PN 6161 
. C347 
Copy 1 


No. 2. 
MARCH 
1899. 


| THE CHISWICK LIBRARY 
of 

Popular Books. 


PkU 

Cb. 

Subscription $3.00 
per year. 

Issued Monthly* 


TRAVELERS’ 


YARNS, 


and new funny Jokes 


COMPILED AND ARRANGED 

BY A 

“ KNIGHT OF THE GRIP.” 

/ 

/ 


NEW YORK. 

THE CHISWICK PUBLISHING CO., 

23 DUANE STREET. 

Entered at the Post-office New York, N. Y., as second-class matter, January, 1899 




'H'Uik' 

Cwl 


26336 


COPYRIGHT 1899 


t 

BY T. J. 


TWO 00^11*8 NEcriVE.0. 


jj? wHCt jf 

^ FEB - 71899 I 




CAREY 






NEW TRAVELERS’ YARNS. 


3 


Mitigating Circumstances. 



A New York drummer, who is not of 
a musical turn of mind, put up at a 
Texas hotel. He had been there before 
and knew the clerk well, so he asked: 

“ What room are you going to give 
me ? ” 

Clerk—No. 6. 

“ No you don’t. I had that room last 
time.” 

“Well, what’s the matter with No. 6?” 

“In that room you can hear the land¬ 
lady’s niece play on the piano, in the 
parlor. Rather than sleep in that room 
I’d roost all night on a pole stuck out 
of one of the back windows.” 


“Why, she plays like a professional.” 

“ Worse.” 

“ But she is a very interesting young 
lady.” 

“Bah ! ” 

“ Her uncle died since you were here 
last and left her a cool hundred thou¬ 
sand.” 

“ Send her up my card.” 


They Change So- 

“ Mamma,” whispered the soft voiced, 
blue eyed girl, “Harry is in love with 
me.” 

“How do you know, Mabel?” asked 
the cautious mamma. 

“Because, mamma, he told me so.” 

“When, darling?” 

“Hast night, mamma, as we sat out 
in the pale moonlight. He said I was 
an angel, mamma.” 

“Did he ask you to marry him ? *» 
inquired mamma anxiously, for Harry 
had money. 

“Oh, yes, mamma.” 

“ And you accepted him of course.” 

“No, mamma, I did not.” 

“You didn’t! * and mamma began to 
pat her foot and get red and white 
about the nose. “You didn’t? Why 
didn’t you ? Don’t you love him ? ” 

“Yes, mamma.” 

“Then why don’t you mary him ? ” 

“ Because mamma,” and the conscien¬ 
tious little creature sighed, “ I love 
him so much, I don’t want him ever to 
change his opinion of me.” 


Strange. 

First Doctor—Well, doctor, I had a 
peculiar case to-day. 

Second Doctor—What was it, please? 
First Doctor— I attended a grass wid¬ 
ow who is afflicted with hay fever.—Ex. 

















4 


NEW TRAVELERS’ YARNS. 


Had the Right of Way. 

A party of Clevelanders were strol¬ 
ling through a meadow that is a part of 
an attractive lake shore establishment 
not long ago, when a pretty white and 
black animal crossed the pathway. 
The guide of the party, the daughter of 
the house, was some distance in the 
rear when the little creature put in an 
appearance. 

‘‘What a pretty kitty!” said one of 
the girls. 

“Isn’t it?” said the nearest young 
man. 

The pretty kitty ran ahead a little 
ways and then halted as if waiting for 
the party to come up. 

“ Isn’t she tame ? ” said the girl. 

“Awfully tame,” replied the young 
man. “ Shall I catch it for you ? ” 

“Oh, do.” 

Then the young woman called back 
to the hostess: 

“ Is this your kitty, Laura ? ” 

The hostess looked up, she saw the 
young man starting forward, she saw 
the white and black creature, her face 
looked apoplectic, she gasped for 
words. 

“ Co-come back ! ” she shrieked. 
“Mercy! mercy run for your life! 
Run! run ! ” 

And she set the example by picking 
up her skirts and racing toward the 
house. The rest caught the panic and 
chased after her, leaving the white and 
black creature master of the situation. 

“What was it, Laura !” cried one of 
the young women, “snakes ? ” 

“Wo-worse than that!” panted the 
hostess. “ It was a—a Mephitis Ameri¬ 
cans s ! ” 

And the young men looked as if they 
knew what she meant, but the women 
vainly wondered. 


Not so Green as Grass. 

He was looking at the call box in a 
Chicago saloon evidently for the first 
time. 

“ What is that ? ” he finally asked the 
barkeeper. 

“That’s a call box,” replied that per¬ 
son. 

“ What for ? ” 

“Why, to call a messenger with, or a 
patrol wagon, or the police, or anything 
else, most. You see you ring once for 
a messenger, twice for a wagon, and so 
on up to six times for a policeman.” 

“Same sort of policetnen’s we got ? ” 
he said, with apparent irrelevance. 

“ How do you mean?” said the bar¬ 
keeper, taking his turn as a questioner. 

“Have to ring six times for ’em, 
don't you ? ” 

“Yes.” 

“More’n fer anybody else? ’ 

“Yes.” 

“That’s it. Give 'em plenty of time 
to git around after the danger’s all 
over.”—Detroit Free Press. 


Is This a Chestnut? 



Why does the man on the left look so 
sad? It is because his friend is telling 
him an Easter joke he has heard before. 
The friend says that after Easter the 
umbrella will not keep Lent any more. 







NEW TRAVELERS’ YARNS. 


5 


An Honest Restaurant. 

AITER, what is this?” 

It was a man at a 
fashionable restaur¬ 
ant on Broadway. He 
was sitting at a table 
digesting that hallu¬ 
cinating dream, that 
mockery of restaur¬ 
ant mockeries, a mod¬ 
ern oyster stew. Call¬ 
ing the white aproned 
darkey to his side, he 
pointed down into the 
dish and said: 

‘‘Waiter, what is 
this?’' 

“I beg yah pawdon, sah?” queried 
the waiter. 

“This thing must be investigated. 
It appears that you have given me an 
oyster stew with an oyster in it. Come, 
this is hardly fair. And I am a stranger 
too.” 

“ Heh?” asked the puzzled waiter. 

“I repeat; you have given me an oys¬ 
ter stew with an oyster in it. Must I 
pay anything extra for the oyster? ” 

“No. Why?” 

“Well, that’s all right; I’m glad of 
it,” smiled the stranger, straightening 
up. “Only, I don’t see how you can 
make any money at that rate. You pay 
a dollar a gallon for oysters, and sell 
stews at sixty cents. That’s barely 
living profit, whereas if you put an oys¬ 
ter in the stew—well, it beats me how 
you can afford to do it. I suppose 
you'll be putting chicken in chicken 
salad, ham in ham sandwiches, and veal 
in veal pie, next. Then you’ll be so 
rash as to give a man a clean napkin, 
besides putting vinegar m the vinegar 
castor when its run out. You folks | 


will burst me with kindness, if you’re 
not careful.” 

The waiter went to the boss, and he 
told him to send out for a policeman 
to arrest the crank. 


The Missing “ Butcher.” 

“ Look—a here ! ” said an old farmer 
who got on at Brighton, to the conduct¬ 
or of a Detroit, Lansing & Northern 
train a day or two ago, “I’ve bin wait 
in’ half an hour for that boy to come 
around.” 

‘‘What boy?” 

“Why, the feller with prize-pack¬ 
ages.” 

“ They are not allowed on this road 
now. ” 

“They hain’t ? What’s the matter 
that they hain’t ? ” 

“Because passengers found so much 
fault with them.” 

“You don’t say! I’d like to know 
whoraised any rumpus about it.” 

“It was a general complaint; the 
public claimed that it was a swindle.” 

“Wall ! wall ! The public must be a 
curious sort o’ critter. Why, sir, I 
paid twenty-five cents for a prize-pack¬ 
age on this road two years ago and got 
’nuffpens, pencils, paper and envelopes 
to last me fifteen years, and on top of 
that I drawed a locket which the hull 
family have bin takin’ turns wearin’ to 
meetin’ ever since! Swindle! Why, 
sir, I calkerate I robbed that poor, in¬ 
nocent boy of jest about $10, and I was 
expectin’ to see him to-day and offer 
him $5 to git the blamed thing off my 
conscience ! ”—Detroit Free Press. 

Sales Gentleman: “Stockings? Yes, 
ma’am; what number do you wear?” 

Constance: “What number? Why 
two, of course ! D’you take me for a 
centipede or a one-legged veteran of 
the war?” 





















6 


NEW TRAVELERS* YARNS. 


How They Were Married. 

Years ago there lived in a Massachu¬ 
setts town a justice of the peace known 
as “ Square ” Simmonds, a man noted 
for the shortness of his memory. He 
carried about with him a slip of paper 
on which was written the brief mar¬ 
riage form which he used when called 
upon to unite a pair in the bonds of 
matrimony. He never trusted himself 
to begin the ceremony without refer¬ 
ence to this document. 

One day, at a county fair in a neigh¬ 
boring town, he was approached by an 
elderly couple, who expressed their 
wish to be married then and there. 
After some conversation the square” 
agreed to perform the ceremony on 
the spot; and the three, accompanied 
by a grown-up daughter of the man 
and a sister of the prospective bride, 
stepped into a convenient horse-shed. 

There the “square ” began a fruitless 
search for the important paper, grow¬ 
ing more and more perturbed as each 
succeeding pocket played him talse. 
At last he abandoned the search. 

“Are you willing to marry this wom¬ 
an?” he asked the man, who replied 
with a prompt “Yes.’’ 

“And you want to marry him ? ” asked 
the justice, turning to the bride. 

“Ido,” said she, with promptness 
equal to the bridegroom’s. 

“Then,” said the “square,” in his 
most impressive tone, “I hereby pro¬ 
nounce you married, according to the 
memorandum left at home in my other 
trousers pocket.” 


Knew How- 

Jones —That’s a staving looking cook 
you have, Brown. Ill bet she can sling 
the pots. 

Brown —-Yes, handles them just like 
china. 


Why He Laughed- 



“You seem to be in a hilarious hu¬ 
mor, Smith,” said Brown as they met 
on Broadway. 

“Oh, I have been reading Carey’s 
“Travelers’ Yarns.” 

“His stories are not usually droll 
enough to provoke merriment.” 

“No; but this one was enough to 
make a dog laugh.” 

“Ah! That accounts for it,” said 
Brown.” 

And Smith could not for the life of 
him see what so amused Brown the 
waiter. 


“Why, that horse you sold me is 
slower than the seven-year itch. And 
yet you told me about how a friend 
drove him to a town twelve miles away 
and you went on a fast train, but the 
horse got there only a minute after you 
did.” 

“Yes, but I didn’t start until the next 
day. ” 


“Horseless carriages aren’t recent 
inventions. They’ve had ’em out West 
for years.” 

“You don’t mean it?” 

“Sure! Use mules, you know.” 


‘ ‘ I was nearly run over the other day. ” 
“ How did you escape?” 

“Oh, I had a picture of McKinley in 
my pocket and he promised protection, 
you know. ” 














NEW TRAVELERS’ YARNS. 


7 


The P Was Lost. 

A member of the Ancient Order of Hi¬ 
bernians wooed, won, and married a 
lovely German girl, and to bless their 
happy union came several lovable chil¬ 
dren, who grew up and learned to love, 
honor, and obey their parents. They 
called their father papa and their moth¬ 
er mamma. To make the long story 
short—in other words, to be brief— 
papa died. Delegations from the sev¬ 
eral clubs and societies came and es¬ 
corted the remains to the grave. At 
the grave the flowers were placed on 
the little mound which told the sad 
story, when one of the members of the 
Ancient Order of Hibernians roared 
out, with a not-to-be-mentioned-here 
remark, “Look at that floral piece over 
there! It has A. P. A. on it! Boys, come, 
can you believe it, be me soul, that Mc- 
Guiness was a traitor and joined the 
A. P. A’s?” “Why, no,” replied one of 
his sons, “ you are mistaken; that don’t 
stand for A. P. A. It stands for papa, 
only the P dropped out on the way over. ” 


Skillful Financiering. 

Old Hardup—Say, got any pie? 
Waiter—Yep. 

“ How much is your pie ? ” 

“ Five cents.” 

“Any cheese with it ? ” 

“Yep.” 

“ How much is the cheese? ” 

“We throws in the cheese.” 

“Well then give me an order of pie 
and make it all cheese.”—Boston Cou¬ 
rier. 


Tommy: “What part of speech is 
woman?” Papa: “Woman is no part 
of speech at all, my son. She is the 
whole of it.” 


An Innocent Abroad. 



A countryman from New Jersey 
missed his pocketbook. 

“Why don't you apply to the police,” 
suggested a city friend, to whom he 
complained. 

“ Do you think they stole it ? ” was the 
innocent response. 

“I dare say. You had better ask the 
first one you meet.” 

“Ill do it.” 

N. B.—There is a man from New Jer¬ 
sey in Bellevue Hospital. 


Wanted. 

A pair of suspenders for the breeches 
of promise. 

A barber to shave the face of the earth. 

A mosquito-bar for the bed of the 
ocean, and another for the cradle of 
the deep. 

A dentist to work on the jaws of death. 

Sea horses to feed from the trough 
of the sea. 

A few seeds from the flower of speech. 

A pen that will write with inky dark¬ 
ness. 

A pair of corsets for the waist of time. 


















8 


NEW TRAVELERS’ YARNS. 


Mexican Weather 

A society young lady of Houston has 
recently returned from a trip to Mex¬ 
ico. The pastor, Dr. Drowsie Downy- 
couch, was at dinner with the family 
when the fair visitor to the Land of the 
Montezumas exclaimed impulsively: 

“ It was awful hot in the City of Mex¬ 
ico. I almost roasted. It is hotter 
than—” 

“ Alice !” said the mother excitedly, 
and the clergyman looked at her in 
alarm. 

“ I say it was hotter than H—” 

“Alice ! ’’ 

“Yes, Ma, it was hotter than Hous¬ 
ton. I used to sit on the verandah 
without a thing on—” 

“ Oh, Alice ! ” said the father in alarm. 

“ Yes, I just sat by the hour without 
a thing on—” 

“You, Alice ! ” exclaimed the mother. 

“I just sat there,” continued the girl, 
not noticing the interruption, “with 
nothing on except my very lightest 
summer clothing, and read my Bible all 
the afternoon. Will you have some 
more soup, Dr. Downycouch?”—Texas 
Sifter. 


Miss Grabbem—“Mr. Richchap re¬ 
marked last night that he liked a wom¬ 
an who showed consideration for the 
feelings of neighbors.” 

Mrs. Grabbem—“You must do some¬ 
thing to show him that you are that 
you are that kind of a woman.” 

Miss Grabbem—“Yes, I know—but 
what ? ” 

Little Brother—“ When he asks you 
to sing, close the windows.” 


Dion Boucicault’s advise — Never 
make love to a woman through an ink 
bottle.—[He Knew.] 


Bound To Show Some Respect. 



LLady (who knows ticket-seller)— 
Well, as the proprietor of the house is 
dead, I suppose you will do something 
to show our respect for his memory. 

Ticket-seller —Yes, of course. 

Lady —I suppose you'll close the 
bouse for a night or two. 

Ticket-seller —No; business is too 
good. We'll put the chorus in black 
tights for a week, though. 


Jenie (pathetically)-—“Dear, dead 

June!” 

George—“Yes. Berried alive.” 


Intimate Friend —Has your husband’s 
love grown cold ? 

Sarcastic Wife —Oh, no! He loves 
himself just as much now as he did 
when we were married twenty years 
ago. 


The boy on the farm approaches his 
turning period when the haying grind¬ 
stone is brought out for use. 

























NEW TRAVELERS’ YARNS. 


9 


Wants An Emblem. 



Uncle Abraham, over on Chatham 
street, was speaking to an acquaintance 
the other day about putting some sort 
of an emblem over the door of his store. 

“I’d put a bee-hive,” suggested the 
man. 

“ Vot does the bee-hive stand for?” 

“ For industry.” 

“Oh, dot vlias all nonsense! Dot 
doan’ show peoples dot I sell a fourteen 
dollar suit for eight dollars. 

“I know; but the bee is a worker.” 

“Yes, but dot doan’ do. Eafrybody 
vhas a vorker. Industry vhas all right, 
but if somebody comes back mit a pair 
of pants dot shrink oop eighten inches, 
dot pee-hive doan’ explain dot it was a 
singular climate on pants. 


She Was Non-Committal. 

Father—“Has that young man of 
yours any go to him, Jennie?” 

Daughter—“Yes, papa. He goes at 
10.30 every night that he comes to see 
me.” 

Father—“ Humph ! I mean has he 
any spirit in him ? ” 

Daughter—“I don’t think he has. He 
is strictly temperate.” 

Father—“I mean, has he any force, 
any gall ? ” 

Daughter—“Gall? No; he’s all hon¬ 
ey when he comes to see me.” 

Father—“I guess you don’t catch me, 
Jennie.” 

Daughter—Never mind, pa dear, I've 
caught him.” 
































































IO 


NEW TRAVELERS’ YARNS. 


False Modesty. 

“Did you know Miss Birdie McHeni- 
pen, who was in Puntown last winter, 
and the guest of Col. 
Boomerang?” asked 
one Austin society 
youth of another. 

“I’ve seen her, but 
was not personally ac¬ 
quainted with her.” 

“Well, she was a curi¬ 
ous kind of a female. 
She had such peculiar 
ideas. For instance, 
she seemed to think 
that balls and parties 
were given in order that ladies might 
exhibit their shoulders to the public.” 

“Did she say that?” 

“No, she didn’t say that precisely, 
but one evening she appeared at a party, 
and she kept her shawl on in the room, 
although it was very warm. I offered 
to remove her shawl, but she blushed, 
and she said she couldn’t think of it 
for a moment, because she didn’t have 
a low necked-dress on. It hadn’t come 
back from the wash, so she had to wear 
a high-necked dress that came up to 
her throat.” 


And He Never Came Back. 

Alexander H. H. vStuart, when Secre¬ 
tary of the Interior under President 
Fillmore, used to tell the following 
good story of how he got rid of an office- 
seeker soon after assuming the 
office : 

“I was very much annoyed by a per¬ 
sistent applicant for the post of mes¬ 
senger. The man came in regularly 
every day for several weeks, until he 
became an unbearable bore. Finally 
one day after the man had gone out I 
asked the messenger then in office if 


he knew what that man was after. ” He 
said : 

“ ‘ No, sir.’ 

“‘Wall,’ sail I, ‘he wmts your 
place, and if ever I see him again he 
shall have it.’ 

“ I never saw the man again.” 


Puckerings, 

A GREAT RELIEF. 

Helen Hyler—I’ve got to go and see a 
girl—she’s the president of our society; 
and I’ve got to ask her a formal question; 
and all the time, I know just as well 
as can be that she will say “yes.” 

Jack Lever—Well, that’s a great point 
when you go to ask a girl a question. 

MUSEUM AMENITIES. 

Armless Wonder—Will yer come out 
ridin’ next Sunday wid me ? 

Circassian Beauty (scornfully)—Naw; 
wot’s de good—even if yer can drive 
wid yer feet. 

IN FULL BLOOM. 

“ Who is that pretty girl over there 
with such a smiling, blooming face?” 

“ Oh, she one of last year’s buds.” 

“Ah, I see—her expression is quite 
natural.” 

GOOD ADVERTISING. 

Client—Well—eh—what is your 
charge in a divorce case ? 

Lawyer—It depends, Madam, alto¬ 
gether upon the advertising I get. Is 
yours a newspaper case ? 

A PATENT OFFICE RETORT. 

Artist—Since you are through posing, 
I wish you would put things to rights 
around the studio. 

Model—No, sir; I am not a working 
model. 


There is a right time for everything, 
but the four dollar watch seldom man¬ 
ages to hit it. 









NEW TRAVELERS’ YARNS. 



Why He Wished 
to Avoid It. 

“There c omes 
Filkins. Eet’s go 
around the block.” ^ 

“What’s the mat¬ 
ter? Had a quarrel 
with him ?” 

“Oh, no; were 
the best of friends” 

“Owe him mon¬ 
ey?" 

“Not a cent.” 

“Think he 
wants to borrow ? ’ 

“No; he always 
has money.” 

“Always has a 
hard luck story to 
tell, perhaps?” 

“ Never knew 
him to tell one in 
all the years I’ve 
known him.” 

“Well, why in the 
world don’t you 
want to meet him ?” 

“ He has a baby 
that is always say¬ 
ing bright filings. ” 

—Chicago’ Trib¬ 
une. 


He Understood Human Nature, 

“I want to git a collar for my hus¬ 
band,” said the hard-faced woman, “and 
I declare I have plumb forgot the size. 
I giner’ly buy all his collars and ties fer 
him, too.” 

“Ah!” said the astute clerk, “then 
you probably want about a thirteen and 
a half or fourteen.” 

“Yes, that’s right ; but I don’t see 
how you guessed it so easy.” 

“Oh, I have noticed that a man who 
lets his wife buy such things for him 
usually wants about that size.” 


“Steward !” cried the miserable pas¬ 
senger. 

‘ ‘ ^ es, sir. Anything I can bring you, 
sir ?” 

“Nothing, steward, but an acre of 
real estate—anything—hang the neigh¬ 
borhood, as long as it’s good solid 
ground. —Exchange. 


“ Did you notice that Miss Pompadour 
had her "hair brushed upon her fore¬ 
head to-night ?” 

“Yes; I thought it was a bang up 
way of dressing it.” 










































NEW TRAVELERS’ YARNS. 


Fall Crop from Sam Bernard, David Warfield, Lou Fields, Joe Weber and 

Walter Joaes.—N Y- Journal- 


“When I was a boy I worked in a 
store and the boss put a five-dollar gold 
piece on the floor. 

‘ I found it and gave it back to him. 
He said : ‘ You are an honest boy ; 

I put it there to try you.’ 

“ I said: * That’s what I thought. 


“ The more I seed it of der world, der 
worser I language myself. I ought to 
be better edumacated. Till I was half¬ 
past twelve I lived next door to a 
school.” 


Miss j.—My mother married a spirit¬ 
ualist. 

Mr. C.—How are they gettingon? 
Miss J.—Oh, medium. 


Mr. C.—At one time in my. life I was 
a lawyer. 

Mrs. J.—What is a lawyer? 

Mr. C.—A lawyer is a man who gets 
money from your enemies and keeps it 
for himself. 


Miss R.—Do you like Broadway ? 

Mr. R.—Oh, yes. They have cable 
cars on it. I stood near Twenty-third 
street one day last week and watched 
a lady trying to stop one of those yachts 
on its wild career. It really was a game. 
The lady stood on the corner and smiled 
and bowed her head, shook her hand¬ 
kerchief, etc., etc. Every gripman 
that went by turned his head and 
smiled, and laughed, and acted real 
cute. They thought the lady was flirt¬ 
ing with them. You have to write them 
a note now a day ahead and tell them 
you will meet them on a certain corner. 
Then, when they finally slow up and 
you fall on, notice the register clock. 


If the car is on the “out ” it says “Out 
on the clock, or “Down” if it’s the 
down trip. That’s there to tell you 
which way the car is going. You can’t 
tell till you get inside. The conductor 
don’t know. He goes with the car. It 
also shows how much the conductor 
gives up to the company and knocks 
down for himself. 


Fair Tenant— How is it there is no 
hot water in my room? 

Janitor—I can’t let it run up to the 
fourth floor. 

Fair Tenant—Why not ? 

Janitor—It might get over-heated. 


“Here is a silver dollar. Put it in 
your pocket.” 

“I don’t want a silver dollar. I want 
a paper one.” 

“Why? It’s a dollar anyway you look 
at it.” 

“No. When you take a silver dollar 
out of your pocket it’s still a silver dol¬ 
lar, but when you take a paper dollar 
out you find it in creases.” 


“ Did you ever back a horse?” 

“ Yes, I did, once in my life.” 

“ Did you win or lose ?” 

“I lost fifty dollars.” 

“How was that?” 

“I backed him into a store window.’ 


Lew—How is it we are togedder so 
long when we hate each other so much ? 

Joe-*-Oh, dat is not’ing ! Look at de 
married people ! 


A man who mortgaged his house re¬ 
marked to a friend that he had just 
“put up ” another building. 















NEW TRAVELERS’ YARNS 




“Our minister’s got the wheeling 
fever bad. ” 

“ He has, eh ? ” 

“ This morning he actually preached 
a Sermon on the Mount.” 


“That’s a nice pair of pants you’ve 
got on. Where did you get them ?” 

“ Bought 'em. ” 

“Does your wife choose your clothes? ’ 
“No, she only picks the pockets! ” 


“If they only fought with razors in de 
wah, 

I’d suttently spilled a lot of Spanish 
gore! 

I’d been a credit to this nation, 

I’d had Dewey’s reputation, 

If they only fought with razors in de 
wah. ” 


She (disgustedly)—Drunk again? 
He—Hie, so am I. 


Marc Antony—I love you. 

Cleopatra—Methinks thou art guying 
me. 

M. A.—Guying thee ! That were im¬ 
possible. I love thee as the flower loves 
the dew, the mother her offspring, as 
the soldier loves Montauk Point. 


“De only t’ing I ever invested in dat 
didn’t go up was an air ship. 


“McKinley was very sad all during 
the war. In fact, he was weeping 
volunteers. ” 


The street car lurched, she fell ker- 
flump! 

But got up with a happy smile, 

And to the young man said : “Please, 
sir, 

How many laps are to the mile?” 


A Squelched Clerk. 



An austere-looking female walked in¬ 
to a furrier’s establishment and said to 
the yellow-headed clerk: 

“ I would like to get a muff. ” 

“What fur ? v demanded the clerk. 
“To keep my hands warm, you sim¬ 
pering idiot! ” exclaimed the venerable 
female. 


“ Do all Cuban women wear Havana 
wrappers ? ” 


“ I went to bed last night and dream 
ed that I died.” 

“And the heat woke you up? ” 


“I was hit in the head with a ball 
bat when very young. ” 

“ And you’ve been off your base ever 
since.” 


“You learned to smoke in Mexico?” 
“ No—Pittsburg.” 


“ There are no fools in our family 1 ” 
“Sir, you forget yourself! ” 


















14 


NEW TRAVELERS’ YARNS. 


“ Funny sign down at the barber’s.” 
“What’s that ?” 

“ Kair cut while you wait. 

A Woman Customer—Where can I buy 
powder? 

The Shop Walker—Face, gun or bug, 
madam? 


“My wife’s a fine shot. She can hit a 
dollar every time. ” 

<v That’s nothing. My wife goes 
through my trousers and never misses 
a dime.” 


“All that I am I owe to my mother.” 
“And all you’ve got you owe to your 
father.” 


“I’m nearly starved. Just got in from 
a three-hour trip on the New York Cen¬ 
tral. ” 

“But couldn’t you get anything to 
eat on the train ? ” 

“Nope! It was a ‘fast’ train. ” 


Adequate Evidence. 

Lawyer Sharpsett found he would be 
unable to go home in time for supper. 
His typewriter girl having quit for the 
afternoon, he sat down at the machine 
himself and succeeded after half an 
hour’s work in evolving the following 
note, which he sent to his wife by a 
messenger boy. 

“atthe Office 5-3op.m.! DEar miLLfi 
e : : : I shlal not be xxxxxxxxxxat 
hOme t his evnennening untli until 
vrey very xxxxxx late do not wait fr 
for m EA a A clie»n t w ho Has Aclient 
with whoM i haev an appointmen t is x 
xxxxxxxxc is cmoing to cnosult con- 
sultme & it wil taKe al al all eqenxxxx 
xxxevening your lvoing husgxxxxxx 
husbnd. y. hiisaMa?” 

“I know Hiram wrote it !” exclaimed 
Mrs. Sharpsett, after she had read it. 
Those x’s are where he swore.” 


“I can’t fight; I’m going to be marr¬ 
ied. ” 

“If you can’t fight, you’d better not 
get married. ” 

“Well, we’ll get married first.” 

“ Thats right, and fight afterward.” 


An Irishman, in order to celebrate 
the advent of a new era, went out on a 
lark. He didn’t get home till 3 o’clock 
in the morning, and was barely in the 
house before a nurse rushed up and, 
uncovering a bunch of soft goods, show¬ 
ed him triplets. The Irishman looked 
up at the clock which said 3, then at 
the three of a kind in the nurse’s arm’s, 
and said: Oi’m not superstitious, but 
thank Hivens thot Oi didn't come home 
at twilve !” 

Before a man’s married he’s a dude; 
after marriage he’s subdued. Before 
marriage he has no buttons on his shirt; 
after marriage he has no shirt. Before 
marriage he swears he would not marry 
the best woman in the world; after 
marriage he finds that he hasn’t. 


She (majestically)—I come to do just¬ 
ice. 

“Tom”—I’ve been doing every one 
all my life, but I never did justice. I 
wonder how he escaped. 


A man was sitting in a resturant eat¬ 
ing oysters. In came an Irishman and 
said: “Oi’llbet a dime thot Oi con eat 
oysters fasther then yez con open thim. ” 

“ Done ! ” said the shell cracker. 

At the end of an hour the man had 
opened seventy-five oysters, but the 
Irishman had only been able to eat six¬ 
ty-five. 

Getting up with difficulty, the Irish¬ 
man said. “Yez win, ” laid down a dime 
and walked out.—N. Y. Journal 












NEW TRAVELERS’ YARNS. 


15 


Why He Left 

The Bishop was overworked, and the 
ladies of the diocese raised a fund for 
the purpose of sending him away for 
the summer. At the doctors sugges¬ 
tion the good man buried himself in 
the mountains of Missouri, whence he 
wrote that he had at last found Arcadia. 
To the amazement of the doctor, the 
Bishop appeared at the medicine man’s 
office three weeks after setting out on 
his vacation. 

“Why,” ejaculated the doctor; “back 
so soon? ” 

“Yes,” sighed the shepherd, nature 
was lovely down there, but I couldn’t 
stand the diet. The first week they 
killed a shote and put it on ice, and we 
ate pig all the week. The second week 
they killed a calf and put it on ice, and 
we ate veal all the week. The third 


week somebody killed a man and they 

put him on ice-’’ 

“Well?” 

“Well, the prospect for that week 
was more than I could stand, so I paid 
a week’s board in advance and skipped.” 


His Favorite Animals. 

Sunday-school Teacher:—“Do you 
love animals ?” 

Boy.—“ Yes’m.” 

“That’s right; I’m glad y ou d o. What 
animals do you like best ? ” 

“Snakes. ” 

“Goodness! Why do you like 
snakes ? ” 

“’Cause it ain’t wicked to kill’em.” 
—Good News. 


The Fall of Adam and Eve. 



<• Why was Adam and Eve told not to eat of the forbidden fruit ? 

Sunday-school teacher of her class. 

“For fear they might fallout of the tree and hurt themselves, 
boy at the end of the seat with his arm in a sling. 


” asked the 
” replied the 




































i6 


NEW TRAVELERS’ YARNS. 


An Earnest Appeal 


That’s a rib-tickling story which they 
used to tell out in Missouri at the ex¬ 
pense of its once famous Governor, 
Claiborne F. Jackson. Before he solved 
the enigma of love-lock, he had mar 

ried five sisters ! — in 
lapses of consecutiveness, as a 
matter of decency. After one wif 
had been lost and appropriately 
mourned he espoused another, and 
he kept his courting within a narrow 
circle of his own relatives, for he 
rather liked the family. Some of his 
predilections were widows ere he 
again transformed them from Niobes 
into willing, if not blushing brides, 
but it was all one to the conquering 
Benedict. 

The antiquated father of these girls 
was quite deaf. Not, perhaps, as deaf 
as a post, nor as Tom Hood hath it, 

Deaf as the definite article”— 
neither quite as deaf as a miser usual¬ 
ly is to the entreaties of poverty; but 
certainly deaf as a man who has been 
wedded for half a century to the 
same woman has every right to be. 

When the governor went to this octo¬ 
genarian to ask for his surviving daugh¬ 
ter, a conversation, thus faithfully re¬ 
ported, ensued: 

“ Pop, I want Lizzie ! ” 

“Eh?” 

“I want you to let me have Eliz-a- 
beth ! ” 

“ Oh, you want Eizzie, do you ! What 
for!” 

“For my wife ! ” 

“For life?” 

“ I want—to—marry—her ! ” 

“Oh, yes! Just so! I hear you, boy.” 

“I’m precious glad you do!” mut¬ 
tered the governor. 

“Well,” slowly responded the veteran, 
“ you needn t holler so that the whole 
neighborhood knows it ! Yes; you can 


have her. Claib, 
now, my lad; but 


you’ve got ’em all 
for goodness sake, if 
anything happens to that ere poor, mis¬ 
guided gal, don't come and ask me for 
the old woman ! ” 

Jackson solemnly promised that he 
reasonable I never would.—Judge. 

Married—Not Mated- 



Mr. Candid Chumly — How do you 
and your new wife get on together? 

Mr. Newlwed— Well, all I’ve got to say 
is that I wish my mother-in-law was an 
old maid. 


His Brother Beat Him 

Teacher (to a scholar with a very 
dirty face)—“Jimmie, I think you are 
just about as dirty as any boy in the 
city.” 

Jimmie—“You ought to see my 
brother.” 

Teacher—“Does your brother have 
a dirty face oftener than you do ? ” 

Jimmie—“Well, mother says she 
don’t believe he’s washed his face 
since lie gotit.”—Truth. 














NEW TRAVELERS’ YARNS. 


17 


Pat at the Post-Office. 

Pat—“Have ye iver a letther for 
meself ?” 

Urbane Clerk—“What name P ” 

Pat—“Why, me own name, av coose : 
whose elseP” 

Clerk ( still urbane)—“Well, what, is 
your name ? ” 

Pat—“Me name's the same as me 
father’s afore me, and would be yet, 
only he’s dead.” 

Clerk (not quite so urbane)—“Well, 
what do you call yourself P ” 

Pat—“ I calls meself a gintleman ; 
and it’s a pity there aren’t a cou pie of us!” 

Clerk (with dignity)—“Stand back!” 

Pat “It’s ‘back’ I’ll stand when I gits 
my letther.” 

Clerk (sternly)—“How can I give it 
to you, if you don’t tell me who you are, 
you stupid bog-trotter ! ” 

Pat_“Thin is that what you’re paid 

for, abusin’ honest people that comes 
fortheir rights? Give me the letther, 
or by the whiskers o’ Kate Kearney’s cat, 
I’ll cast me vote 
agin ye, whin I gets 
me papers.” 

Clerk (very near¬ 
ly angry)—“You 
blundering block¬ 
head, can’t you tell 
me how your letter 
is addressedP” 

Pat (contempt¬ 
uously)-“Dres¬ 
sed ! ” How should 
it be dressed, bar- 
rin’ a sheet ov pa¬ 
per, like any other 
letther 

Clerk (decidedly 
angry)—= “Confound 
you ! can’t you tell 
me who you 
are P’’ 


Pat—“Bedad, I’m an Irishman, bred 
and born, seed, breed, and ginneration. 
Me father was cousin to Larry Magra’, 
and me mother belonged to the Moon¬ 
eys of Killmanaisy. You’re an ignorant 
old spalpeen; and if ye’ll creep out o’ 
your dirty hole, I’ll welt you like a new 
shoe; and if you get any more satisfac¬ 
tion out of me, me name is not Barney 

O’FLYNN ! ” 

Clerk (mollified)—“Oh, that’s your 
name, is it ? ” 

And in wliist-phrase, he “shuffles” 
the letters, “deals” one to Barney, 
who “ cuts.” 

Mrs. S. C. Hall. 


“Saw a lead dollar on the sidewalk. 
I walked right by it without stopping 
to pick it tip. When I got down to the 
corner the policeman arrested me for 
passing counterfeit money.” 

Squelching a Poet 



Byron Rollingeye —What do you think of the offspring- of 
my muse, Miss Birdie? 

Birdie McGinnis — 1 should say the poor thing had been, 
raised on the bottle. 


































NEW TRAVELERS’ YARNS. 


She Had to Cry. 



An Austin clergyman, while making 
a pastoral call, engaged in.conversation 
with little Molly, who had shown con¬ 
siderable emotion at his sermon on the 
Sunday previous. 

“I saw you shed tears, my little girl. 
Did my words sink deep into your 
heart ? ” 

“Oh, sir, it wasn’t that.” 

“Why, then, did you cry? Were you 
not weeping over your sins? ” 

“Oh, no, sir. I was so sleepy, and 
ma kept on pinching me to keep me 
awake, and she pinched so hard I had 
to cry. ” 

“Ah !” 


Ethel_“I felt so dreadful that I told 

Charlie I was going to commit sui¬ 
cide. ” 

Gertrude—“And what did he say?” 

Ethel_“'Handed me one of his busi¬ 

ness cards and asked me to have it 
tightly clasped in my hand. Said t 
would make lots of free advertising for 
him—the wretch ! ” 


Changeable Males. 

“The mails have changed, madam,” 
said the clerk at the post office window, 
in answer to a question about the time 
for the arrival of the letter pouch. 

“Yes, indeed,” replied the old lady, 
placing both hands on the window ledge 
and looking straight into the clerk’s 
eyes, “the males have changed. When. 
I was a girl we didn’t hear of half the 
wickedness that we do now, and all ow¬ 
ing to the males.” 

“But the mails I mean”- 

“ I know what males you mean. The 
papers are full of their goin’s on. And 
it’s a perfect shame. Seems though 
men get married nowadays just to 
be supported. When I was a girl a 
man would a-been ashamed to live off 
his wife’s money ; but law, they think 
nothing of it now. They even hold 
themselves in the market to be bought 
up by some rich girl, like that Prince 
of What-you-may-call-it, over in Paris. 
Broke off the engagement because she 
did’nt bid high enough, didn’t he? A 
man like that oughtn’t to be worth 
more n’ five cents. Anyhow, you’re 
quite right, young man, the males hav^ 
changed.” 

Then the old lady went away, pleased 
that she had been able to free her mind. 


An Explanation. 

“Shall I sing ‘Kathleen Mavourneen 
for you, Augusta dear?” she asked after 
they had been married something like 
over a year. 

“No, you needn’t mind.” 

“But I heard you say before we were 
married that you liked that song ever 
so much.” 

“ I did. Perhaps that will explain to 
you the reason why I don’t want to hear 
you sing it now. It reminds me of the 
time when I was happy.” 













































NEW TRAVELERS’ YARNS. 


He Had Faith- 

A young man about twenty-five years 
old was sitting in the waiting-room of 
the Erie depot the other day with a 
year-old baby on his knee, says the New 
York World, and his alarm and help¬ 
lessness when the “young un” sud¬ 
denly began to howl was so marked as 
to attract attention. By and by a wait¬ 
ing passenger walked over to him with 
a smile of pity on his face and queried: 

“ A woman gave you that baby to hold 
while she went to see about her bag¬ 
gage, didn’t she ? ” 

‘•Yes.” 

“ Ha ! ha ! ha ! I tumbled to the fact 
as soon as I saw you. You expect her 
back, I suppose ? ” 

“ Of course.” 

“ Ha ! ha ! ha ! This is rich ! hook¬ 
ing for her every blessed minute, a’int 
you?” 

“I think she’ll come back.” 

“ Well, this makes me laugh—ha ! ha! 
ha ! I had a woman play that same 
trick on me in a Chicago depot once, 
but no one ever will again. Young 
man, you're stuck. You’ve been played 
on for a hayseed. Better turn that 
thing over to a policeman and make a 
skip before some reporter gets on to 
you.” 

“Oh, she'll come back,” replied the 
young man, as he looked anxiously 
around. 

“She will, eh? Ha! ha! ha! Joke 
grows richer and richer ! What makes 
you think shell come back? ” 

“Because she’s my wife and this is 
our first baby ! ” 

“Oh—um—I see,” muttered the fat 
man, who got over being tickled all at 
once, and in his vexation he crossed 
the room and kicked a dog which a farm¬ 
er had tied to one of the seats with a 

piece of clothes line. 


Political Item- 



Major Stout —I say, Kurnel, has Presi¬ 
dent Harrison replied to your applica¬ 
tion for an office ? 

Barkeeper —I haven’t had any reply 
from Harrison yet. I can’t understand 
the delay. 

Major Stout— Well, I can. It’s hardly 
time for you to hear from Harrison. I 
applied to President Cleveland for a 
post-office five years ago, and he hasn’t 
answered my letter yet. 


At a Hotel 

Guest (to waiter)—I can’t eat this 
soup! 

Waiter takes it away and brings anoth¬ 
er kind of soup. 

Guest—I can’t eat this soup ! 

Waiter, angrily, but silently, for the 
third time brings another kind. 

Guest (again)—I can’t eat this soup. 

Waiter, furious, calls the hotel pro¬ 
prietor. 

Proprietor (to guest)—Why can’t you 
eat this soup ? 

Guest (quietly)—Because I have no 
spoon ! 

































20 


NEW TRAVELERS’ YARNS. 


That Hired Girl 

When she came to work for the 
family on Congress Street the lady of the 
house sat down and told her that agen ts, 
book-peddlers, hat rack men, picture- 
sellers, ashbuyers, rag-men, and all 
that class of people must be met at the 
front door and coldly repulsed, and 
Sarah said she’d repulse them if she had 
to break every broomstick in Detroit. 

And she did. She threw the door 
open wide, bluffed right up at ’em, and 
when she got through talking the 
cheekiest agent was only too glad to 
leave. It got so after a while that ped- 
lers marked that house, and the door¬ 
bell never rang except for company. 

The other day, as the girl of the 
house was wiping off the spoons, the 
the bell rang. She hastened to the 
door, expecting to see a lady, but her 
eyes encountered a slim man, dressed 
in black and wearing a white neck tie. 
He was the new minster, and was go¬ 
ing around to get acquainted with the 
members of his flock, but Sarah wasn’t 
expected to know this. 

“ Ah—um—is—Mrs.-—ah ! ” 

“Git !’’ exclaimed Sarah, pointing to 
the gate.” 

“Beg pardon, but I would like to see 


“Meander!” she shouted, looking 
around for a weapon; “ w^e don’t want 
any floursifters here ! ” 

“ You’re mistaken, ” he replied smil¬ 
ing blandly. “ I called to-” 

“ Don’t want anything to keep moths 
away—fly ! ” exclaimed Sarah, getting 
red in the face. 

“Is the lady in!” he inquired, try¬ 
ing to look over Sarah’s head. 

“Yes, the lady is in, and I’m in, and 
you are out ! ’’she snapped; “and now I 
don’t want to stand here talking to a 
fly-trap agent any longer ! Come lift 
your boots ! ” 


“I’m not an agent, ” he said, trying 
to smile. “ Im the new-” 

“Yes, I know you—you are the new 
man with the patent flat-iron, but we 
don’t want any, and you’d better go be¬ 
fore I call the dog !” 

“ Will you give the lady my card and 
say that I called? ” 

“ No, I won’t; we are bored to death 
with cards and handbills and circulars. 
Come, I can’t stand here all day. 

“Did’nt know that I was a minister?” 
he asked, as he backed off. 

“No, nor I don’t know it now; you 
look like the man who sold the woman 
next door a dollar chromo for eighteen 
shillings. ” 

“ But here is my card. ” 

I don’t care for cards, I tell you ! If 
you leave that gate open, I will have 
to fling a flower-pot at you ! ” 

“ I will call again, ” he said, as he went 
through the gate. 

“It won’t do you any good!” she 
shouted after him; “ w r e don’t want no 
prepared food for infants—no piano 
music—no stuffed birds! I know the 
policeman on this beat, and if you come 
around here again, he’ll soon find out 
whether you are a confidence man or a 
vagrant!” 

And she took unusual care to lock 
the door. 

Little Ella: “ Papa, I know what I am 
going to give you for your birthday. 

Father: “What is it, child?” 

Ella: “A beautiful beer glass. ” 

Father: “ Why, my dear, I have al¬ 
ready got one.” 

Ella: “Yes, but I broke it just now.” 


Grandpa: “ Don’t get scared, Willie, 
the tiger is about to be fed—that’s 
what makes him jump and roar so.” 

Willie (easily): “Oh! I ain’t afraid of 
him, grandpa. Papa’s the same when 
his meals ain’t ready.” 










NEW TRAVELERS’ YARNS. 


2l 


Sam Johnsing’s Fodder-in-law. 



There was a comical session in the court of a justice of the peace. Sam John- 
sing is a colored sport, and the entire Snowball family were up for assault and 
battery, using abusive and insulting language, disturbing the peace and quiet of 
a neighborhood, and several other charges. It seems that bam Johnsing was en¬ 
gaged to be married to Matildy Snowball, but instead of the ceremonies being 
performed before a minister of the gospel, they called on the justice to regulate 
their differences. 

Sam Johnsing and the entire Snowball family, who belong to the Austin col¬ 
ored elite, were present. 

“You make 
this affidavit 
against the 
Snowball fam¬ 
ily, do you?” 
asked the jus¬ 
tice, holding 
up the docu¬ 
ment. 

“Yes, sah, I 
does. D e y 
puts on a heap 
a style, but 
dey am d e 
lowest do w n 
ordi n a r i e s t 
family in de 
who 1 e city. 

Dey goes 
arou n d w i d 
d a r heads 
fro w n back 
and dar tail 
fedders spread 
but dar ain't 
ten dollars in 


de whole family. I know because I has been dar. 

•• You must not use such language,” remonstrated the justice; “but please 

state your case. 

“Well, sah, I was engaged to be married in de springtime to dat ar piece ob 
calico on de mourner’s bench. 


“ Hit am false,” shrieked Matildy Snowball. 

“False !” retorted Sam Johnsing; “ hit hain’t half so false as dem ar bangs and 


dat ar red paint.” 

“You am a liar of de fust water,” shrieked Matildy. 
“Continue, Mr. Johnsing,” said the justice. 


























22 


NEW TRAVELERS’ YARNS. 


“ Well, sah, on de day before las’ New 
Year’s day I missed a ten dollar bill.” 

“Do you mean a ten-dollar bill was 
stolen from you ? ” asked the justice. 

“ No, sir, I don't say de bill was stolen; 
I said I missed a ten-dollar bill. I 
didn't hab no ten-dollar bill. Dat’s how 
I come to miss one. If I hab one I 
wouldn’t hab missed it, would I? ” 

“Continue, Mr. Johnsing.” 

“Well, sah, on de day before New 
Year’s I made up my mind to tap my 
fodder-in-law for a ten-dollar bill. 
What am de use ob a future fodder-in¬ 
law ef you can’t tax him fur a ten ?” 

“Did he give you the ten dollars?” 
asked the justice. 

Sam Johnsing v ent on to state that 
when he asked his future father-in-law, 
old man Snowball, for a ten dollar-note, 
he latter snorted like a cow-pony when 
he hears a brass band play for the first 
time, but finally stated that as soon as 
he cashed off a little check he would 
hand over the ten. 

“I said, ‘Allright,’and went off,” said 
Sam; “but seem dat after I was gone 
old man Snowball asked hi 5 daughter, 
Matildy, to let him hab de funds, but 
nebber tole her it was for me. She said 
she couldn’t find her portmania, and 
asked her brudder Bob, who am sitting 
on de bench dar wid his head tied up, 
for de ten dollars. He said he would 
git hit as soon as de bank opened, as he 
didn’t hab no small change ; and he 
hunted me up and down on Austin ave¬ 
nue, and, not knowin’ I wanted de 
money, asked me to loan him ten dol¬ 
lars, and I said I would de next day, but 
I nebber,meant to do so much foolish¬ 
ness nohow. You see, judge, none ob 
dem tole de udder dat hit was me fust 
started de business.” 


“Well, what has this to do with the 
assault ? ’ asked the justice. 

“Next day, New Yeah’s day, I called 
at de Snowball mansion on Austin ave¬ 
nue. Dev was all dar. I axed de ole 
man ef he had de ten dollars he prom¬ 
ised me. He said ‘Sartinly,’ and went 
ober to Matildy and axed her for de 
money she had promised him, and she 
said ‘Sartinly,’ too, and goes ober ter 
Bob for de money he had promised. 
Bob said. ‘Of course,’ and I hope 1 may 
be struck dead in my tracks ef*dat fool 
niggah didn’t come up to me and say 
‘ Brudder-in-law what’s gwine ter be, 
has yer got de ten dollars yer promised 
me?’ I neber heered of sich a promis¬ 
ing family.” 

“ What next ?” 

“ What next ! I jess ris up, and 
putting my stove pipe on the side of 
my head. I said; ‘1 tenders my resigna¬ 
tion as a future son-in-law, de same ter 
go inter effec’ from right now. If yer 
suspects that Sam Johnsirg am sich a 
sucker as ter detract matrimony in a 
family dat han’t got ten dollars on New 
Yeah’s day, you am whistling ter be 
wrong pup, dat’s all,’ and I made for 
de door.” 

“What next? ” 

“What next! Come here, judge, and 
run yer hand ober my wool and feel 
dat bump like an egg plant. Dat’s a 
New Yeah’s giff from Matildy. Does yer 
see dis heah gouged eye? Dat s what 
I got from de ole man fer to remember 
him by. And I se got annuder NewYeah’s 
giff on my person whar Bob took amouf- 
ful wid his teef. Dat’s why I walk wid 
a cane. I tried mighty hard to return 
de compliments ob de season, but when 
de ole women poured bilin’ water down 
my back I drew out as an independent 
candidate. Dey out-voted me, jedge.' 

In consideration of it being about the 
justice’s time for dinner, the cases were 
dismissed. 





NEW TRAVELERS’ YARNS. 


23 


Some Nautical Gems. 


Lady Visitor (at office of eminent 
physician)— “I have called, doctor, 
to ask if there is any cure for sleep 
walking. I have had the habit for years, 
and lately it has become worse.” 

Dr. Highprice:—“It can be cured, 
madam. Take this prescription and 
have it filled at Cold, Steele & Co. 

Lady Visitor: “Cold, Steele & Co.? 
Why that is not a drug store; it is a 
hardware firm.” 

Dr. Highprice: “Yes, madam. The 
prescription calls for a paper of tacks. 
Dose, two tablespoonsful scattered 
about the floor before retiring. ” 


Mrs. Haughteigh—Why didn’t you 
stop, sir, when you saw me wave my 
hand ? 

’Bus Conductor—I thought you were 
throwing me kisses, mum. 


Mabel—“I say, Claire, Jack has asked 
me to marry him; would you accept 
him ? ” 

Claire—“No. That is to say, I didn’t 
when he asked me, two weeks ago.*’ 


After a man has been married a few 
years his bump of hope becomes a dent. 






















24 


NEW TRAVELERS’ YARNS. 


He Was Off His Base. 

The perfect type of British nobility 
gazed regretfully into the eyes of the 
faultless specimen of American woman¬ 
hood. 

<< I fear,” whispered the type, “I can¬ 
not marry thee.” 

The specimen turned pale. 

«‘ And why ? ” she gasped. 

Ever after she could remember that 
the great clock on the mantel pointed 
to ten minutes past nine, and that an 
oppressive calm reigned. 

“I am told,” he was solemnly saying, 
and his voice seemed far away, “there 
is a big sinister upon thy arms.” 

She leaped to her feet in a frenzy. 

“’Tis false !” she shrieked. “I was 
vaccinated upon the ankle.” 

The Only Thing Left To Do. 

“ Sir,” he said as he stalked into the 
clergyman’s study, “you are the man 
who tied the knot. I believe.” 

“ I beg your pardon,” said the clergy¬ 
man, looking up from his sermon. 

“ You performed the marriage cere¬ 
mony for me, didn’t you ? " 

“Yes, certainly, Mr. Willings. What, 
may I ask ”— 

“Then you know what the rights of 
a husband are ? ” 

“Why, yes, in a general way.” 

“And the rights of a wife?” 

“Of course.” 

“Well, now, sir,” said the caller, 
drawing a chair up to the clergyman’s 
desk and taking a seat, “has a wife a 
license to torture a husband ? ” 

“Certainly not.” 

“If she makes his life miserable he 
has redress, of course ? ” 

“Yes, but I should advised”— 


“Never mind your advice now. We’ll 
come to that later. My wife complains 
that I don’t shave often enough.” 

“Oh, that’s a small matter.” 

“Is it, sir ? Is it! Just wait! I told 
her that that was my affair, and then 
she taught the children to cry when I 
kissed them, so that she could say that 
my rough chin hurt them.” 

“That hardly showed a Christian”— 

“Wait a minute! Yesterday morn¬ 
ing I found them playing with a cylin¬ 
der of a broken music box. You know 
how that seems to the touch?” 

“ Certainly.” 

“Well, she’d taught them to call it 
‘ Papa’s chin.’ ” 

“Really, sir, I must admit”— 

“Wait till I’m through. To-day one 
of them got up on my knee, passed his 
little hand over my chin, and called it 
‘Papa’s music box.’ Now, sir, I ask of 
you as a Christian man, and as the man 
who tied the knot, what shall I do ? ” 

“Get shaved,” replied the clergyman 
softly as he returned to his work. 


Phrenological Item. 

Mrs. Randall Bragg is not the best ed¬ 
ucated woman in Austin, but that does 
not in the least hinder her from ex¬ 
pressing herself fully on any topic, no 
matter what it may be. She was hav¬ 
ing her head examined by a phrenolog¬ 
ist. 

“You have philoprogenitiveness 
strongly developed.” 

“You bet I have. Nobody ever said 
anything mean about me but I was sure 
to get even with them sooner or later. 
That’s just the kind of a woman I am. 
You’ve hit it, first pop.” 







NEW TRAVELERS’ YARNS. 


25 


The Poet She Was Reminded Of- 



Bobbie —Oh ! Great Scott, I’ve been and put the wrong end 
■of my cigar in my mouth. 

Maggie —Ha ! ha ! It’s not Great Scott, but another poet 
you put me in mind of, Bobbie. 

Bobbie —Who ? 

Maggie —Why, Bobbie Burns ! 


An Improper Allusion. 

“Why did you assault this man?’ 
asked Judge Duffy of the prisoner, a 
gentleman from Boston. 

<< He made an indirect but indelicate 
allusion to the alleged bean-eating pro¬ 
clivities of the citizens of my native 
place,” replied Mr. Bunker Hill indig¬ 
nantly. 

“ Did he call you a bean eater?” 

“Not in so many words, but he point¬ 
ed a can opener at my stomach and then 
I lifted him.” 

Couldn’t See It That Way 

Two little bootblacks stood looking 
wistfully in the show window of a Clark 
street cigar store one afternoon. They 
were typical street arabs, with all the 


tough ways and bad 
habits of their class. 
They wanted to 
smoke, and their 
eyes were bent up¬ 
on a box of “ cab¬ 
bage-leaf” cheroots 
which were labeled 
“ 2 cents each.” 

“Say, Chimmie,” 
said the taller arab, 
“I fink I’d injoy a 
bloody good smoke 
just now.” 

“ I’m wid yer,” re¬ 
plied “Chimmie,” 
smacking his lips 
in anticipation of a 
cigar. 

“ But, yer see, de 
on’y trouble wid 
me is dat I’m plumb 
broke.” 

“ Is dat so ? Well, 
I’ve got 2 cents.” 
“Give it ter me, 

den.” 

“What fur?” 

“Why, ter buy wan ob dem air che¬ 
roots, in course.” 

“But I wanter smoke, too.” 

“ ’N so do I.” 

“ How kin the both of us do it ? ” 

“ I’ll tell yer wat tu du. You must 
give me de two cents an’ we’ll organize 
a stock company. Yer see yer is de 
capitalist. I’m de inventer; so yer give 
der coin ter me, den I buys de cigar and 
yer becomes a stockholder. See ? ” 

“ Yas,’’responded “Chimmie,” doubt¬ 
fully. “But how does that ben'fit me 
any ? Yer has de cigar, doesn't yer ? ” 
“Yas.” 

“ An’ yer smokes it, don't yer ? ” 
“Yas, but don’t yer see, I'm de organ¬ 
izer, so in course I smokes de cigar ” 

“ What’ll 1 do?" 

“ Why, you're de stockholder, yer kin 
spit. See?”—Stai-Sayings. 












26 


NEW TRAVELERS’ YARNS. 


Poor Consolation. 


Question in Grammar. 

One of the Board of Education, going 
his rounds as an amateur, put the fol¬ 
lowing question to a scholar in a coun¬ 
try school: 

“How do you parse, “Mary milkedthe 
cow? ” 

Pupil—Cow is a noun, feminine gen¬ 
der, singular number, third person, 
and stands for Mary.” 

“Stands for Mary 1” exclaimed he of 
the Board; “How do you make that out?” 

“Because,” added the intelligent 
pupil, “if the cow didn’t stand for 
Mary, how could Mary milk her?” 


Fame is fame, but there are two 
places in the paper where a man does 
not like to have his name appear—the 
death column and the police court 
record. 


A Calendar Worth 
Having 


Almost everyone 
has u se for a calendar, 
and by the same tok¬ 
en, they ought to have 
one that is of some 
use. A calendar that 
you have to study or 
“set” has little ex¬ 
cuse for existence. 

The one we like 
best of all is that pub¬ 
lished by N. W. Ayer 
& Sons, the Newspa¬ 
per A d v ert i s i n g 
Agents of Philadel¬ 
phia. 

The hand so me 
copy for 1895 carries 
on its seal their fam¬ 
ous motto, “Keeping 
E ver lastingly At It 
Brings Success, ” 

which will alone each day be worth to all 
who use it far more than the price of 
the calendar. The size is generous, 
and the work a beautiful specimen of 
the printers’ art. Each day, as is be¬ 
coming to such an important slice of 
time, is printed large enouge to be read 
across a roi*m. Then, too, the matter 
on the flaps deals with a subject in 
which there is a growing general intrest. 

That the demand for this calander i r _ 
creases eash year, we can easily under¬ 
stand, for we do not believe that any¬ 
one who has spent one year in company 
with it, will spend another without it. 

The price is 2 5 cents, delivered every¬ 
where postpaid, in perfect condition 


She —Fred, we have only been married two years, and 
everybody says that I am the only woman you do not love. 

He —Don’t be silly, Emma. As I am in love with all the 
women I meet, doesn’t that include you? In that case 
I cou ldn’t make an exception of you if I wanted to. 






























NEW TRAVELERS’ YARNS. 


2 7 


In An Opera Box. 



“Si x, your Hon¬ 
or, ” corrected the 
prisoner, gloomily. 

“ What did you 
leave them for?” 

“ Great Sc ott, 
your honor, you 
couldn’t expect a 
man to live with 
all six of them, 
could you ? ” 

“ W ell, hardly, 
but you shouldn’t 
have married them. 

What did you do 
that for?” 

“To drown my 
sorrows, Judge. 

That is, after the 
fi r s t one. She 
drove me to it, but 
the second one 
gave me twice as 
much sorrow; the 
third one three 
times as much, 
and so it went, un¬ 
til I had six times 
as much as any 
man ought to have, and I quit. It’s 
been a year since I saw any of them. ” 

“ And it will be some time before 
you see any of them again, ” said the 
judge. 

“ Are you sure of that, your honor ” 
inquired the prisoner, hopefully. 

“ Quite sure, for I’m going to sen¬ 
tence you to ten years in the peniten¬ 




.XJ^ 


Young Wife (to her husband, who wishes her to excuse him a few 
moments)—No objection to your going out to “see a man,” as you call 
it, Charles, but if you are going to be gone as long as you were last 
time, please send some good looking man to see me. 

Charles concludes not to go. 


He Had Nerves. 

“I’ll give you your breakfast if you’ll 
saw that wood,” she announced in an 
ultimatum tone of voice. 

‘‘Madam, ” said the tramp, “I’d ad¬ 
mire to chop the wood for you, im¬ 
mensely, only fur one thing. ” 

“ What is that ?” • 


tiary. ” 

“And there’s no marrying or giving 
in marriage there, your honor ?” 


“When I was a little boy my mother 
useter make me recite fur company, 
and I said ‘Woodman, Spare That Tree’ 


“ None.” 

“Ah, your honor, that is heaven on 
earth, isn’t it ? Can’t you make that 
a life sentence ? ’’ 


over an’ over so many times that the 
idee of puttin’ a ax into anythin’ in the 
shape of wood totally wrecks my 
nerves.” 






28 


NEW TRAVELERS’ YARNS. 


His Theory. 



May Flower (first voyage)—My ! what a wind ! 

Milwaukee Passenger —Ya-as. Old Nep is trying to blow 
the foam off that schooner—see ? 


‘‘God Save the 
Queen/’ 

Professor Wilson, 
a leading light of 
Edinburgh Univer¬ 
sity, recently wrote 
on the blackboard 
in his laboratory: 
“ Professor Wilson 
informs his stu¬ 
dents that he has 
this day been ap¬ 
pointed honorary 
physician t o t h e 
Q u e e n.” I n the 
course of the morn¬ 
ing he had occasion 
to leave the room, 
a n d o n returning 
f mndthat a student 
had added to the an¬ 
nouncement the 
words: “God Save 
the Queen.” M. D. 


Her One Bon Mot. 

As a general proposition the guests 
at Delmonico’s enjoy lingering over 

their dinner, but Mrs. M-, who had 

chaperoned a party in from the suburbs 
to hear the great Calve, was writhing 
with impatience over the necessary de¬ 
lay in serving, since, owing to a delayed 
train there was not a moment to spare 
if they were to be in time for the ris¬ 
ing of the curtain—which was one of 
her pet hobbies—and yet, they were 
frantically hungry. 

One of the party exclaimed, by way 

of comfort, “Dear Mrs. M-, possess 

your soul in patience, remember Job.” 

“Job ! ” exclaimed she. “Why, he 
had his boils, and we cannot get even 
a fry.”—Short Stories. 


In the Dime Museum- 

Spectator—Do you eat window glass, 
too ? 

The Glass Eater—I do. 

“I should think you would get a pane 
inside.” 

“ I do; but my frame can stand it.” 

“You pretend to relish what you 
eat ? ” 

“That’s only for a blind.” 

“ Do you wear that sash to advertise 
your specialty ? ” 

“Yes.” 


Wing—“ What makes you so sure 
Shakespeare never wrote the plays 
attributed to him ? ” 

Flies—“ Because Shakespeare was an 
actor, and his ghosts walk altogethor 
too successfully for an actor to have 
had anything to do with them. 


















NEW TRAVELERS’ YARNS. 


2 9 


So Many Johnnies. 



First Ballet Dancer —These dudes are so careless. I’ve 


just received a note signed “Johnny.” 

Second Ballet Dancer —What is there careless about that? 
How can I tell which Johnnie it is ? You can’t have been 


in this business very long. 

How He Won Her. 

He had been on his knees for fully fif¬ 
teen minutes, but she was still obdu¬ 
rate. 

He had passionately pleaded his love 
for her, but it was evident that the plea 
had made no impression. 

He had reproached her for having en¬ 
couraged him merely to gratify her 
own vanity and love of admiration, but 
she had only laughed at him. 

“I cannot marry you,” she had said. 
<< x am sorry that you should have taken 
this little flirtation seriously, and I will 
be a sister to you, but I cannot be your 
wife.” 

“At this season of the year, he le- 
plied bitterly, ‘'brothers are not fash- 
ionable.” 

His words roused her attention in¬ 
stantly. 

“In the spring, ” he went on, “bror 1- 


ers are all right, in 
the summer they 
are quite the thing, 
but in the fall the 
up-to-date girls in¬ 
sist upon having 
nothing but lovers 
or husbands. This 
i s the fashionable 
matrimonial s e a- 
son.” 

“I—I had not 
thought of that,” she 
faltered. 

“Nevertheless it 
is true,” he per¬ 
sisted. 

“Look around 
you; read the pa¬ 
pers. It is not a 
matter of personal 
preference; it i s 
merely a question 
of what is fashiona¬ 
ble and in good form. Is there a single 
swell girl of your acquaintance who 
talks about brothers at this time ?” 

“Perhaps you are right/’ she said 
doubtfully. 

“Of course I am right,” he answered, 
.feeling that he was making progress. 
“And let me tell you another thing, 
Miss Jones—Ethel. Let me demon¬ 
strate how dear you are to me. My per¬ 
sonal preference would be for a mar¬ 
riage next spring, but in a matter of 
fashion I could not bear to think that 
Mable Smith should-” 

“ Enough,” broke in the haughty 
beauty. “It never shall be said that 
she was a more up-to-date girl than I. 
It never shall be said that she married 
at a more fashionable time of the year 
or was a more beautiful bride. I will 
name the day as soon as I find out more 
definitely what her plans are.” 












30 


NEW TRAVELERS’ YARNS. 


A Sure Cure For Chronic Kickers. 



“ DisT cure you ob Kickin’. Jist. tap dat can er dynimite 
wid yer playful heels—an’ it’s gwine ter s’prise you ! ” 



Lay low, chillin!, we o’ gwine ter see fun now ! ” 



She Didn’t Mind It 


Bridget’s mistress had asked her if she had overheard a 
rather angry conversation between her husband and her¬ 
self. 

“Oh, yis, ma’am, ” replied Bridget, “but sure I didn’t 
moind it. I’m used to it. I’m married myself. ” 


Correct Logic. 

He was lying i n 
front of the s t o re 
door when the mer¬ 
chant came out, and 
stirring him up with 
the toe of his boot, 
said: 

“Are you drunk ?’* 

“You bet. ” 

“Then you move 
off from here. ” 

“ Are you drunk? ” 
queried the inebri¬ 
ate. 

“No, I am sober, ” 
was the indignant re¬ 
sponse. 

“Then you can 
move off here a-hic- 
sight easier than I 
can. ” 


’Twould Do as 
Well- 

They tell this story 
of an absent minded 
professor in the Uni¬ 
versity of Pennsyl¬ 
vania. He was writ¬ 
ing at his desk one 
evening when one of 
his children entered. 

“What do you 
want ? ’’ he asked. 
“ I cannot be d i s- 
turbed now. ” 

“I only want to say 
goodnight, papa, ” re¬ 
plied the child. 

“Nevermind now,” 
as he instantly re¬ 
sumed his writing, 
‘‘ to-morrow morn¬ 
ing will do as well.”— 
Philadelphia Cal 


















NEW TRAVELERS’ YARNS. 


3* 


Equal To The Occasion. 

A Punxsutawney girl was out biking 
the other day with a Punxsutawney 
young man. They were six miles from 
home on a country road. 

She puncturetj. her tire. 

“Alas,” said the young man as he 
dismounted and looked the picture of 
despair, “I have no repair kit! What 
shall we do ? It is awful! ” 

Quickly extracting a large wad of 
chewing gum from her mouth and plac¬ 
ing it over the puncture before much 
of the wind had escaped, the girl said:— 
“ L,end me your handkerchief.” 
Young Augustus Fitz James handed 
her his bandana. 

Deftly she wound it round the tire, 

He Was Not Afn 


over the chewing gum, and tied the 
ends in a hard knot on the inside. 

“I am ready,” she said, and she 
mounted her wheel and rode off with a 
nonchalant air and a fresh wad of gum. 


Good and Sufficient. 

Teacher—Have you any good excuse 
for your lateness this morning, Johnny ? 
Johnny (emphatically)—Yes, ma’am. 
Teacher—Well, what is it? 

Johnny (beaming)—First buckwheat 
cakes this year, ma’am. 


“Are you the new girl?” asked Mr. 
Wheeler, coming down to breakfast. 
“Yes, sir,” replied the maid. 

“What make wheel do you ride ?” 

d of The Cashier. 



Salesman _I have a little electrical device here, that will at once give notice of 

r irregularity on the part of manufacturing house, but not for the 

' department 1 of financial institution. What we want is an apparatus to keep 
; irregularities from the stockholders. 





























































NEW TRAVELERS’ YARNS. 


Victim of Ill-Luck. 



Jones —Yes, it is sad indeed. Ever since liis mar¬ 
riage Johnson has been steadily going down hill, un¬ 
til now his property is gone and his wife has eioped. 

Smith —Poor John ! He never did seem to have any 
luck in speculation of any kind. 


Swindled. 

“Well, how do you like your subur¬ 
ban home with all the city conveni¬ 
ences ? ” asked the cit. 

“Between you and me,”said the man 
who had moved lately, “that promise 
of all city conveniences proves to be a 
fake. I have to walk two blocks to get 
a drink.”—Indianapolis Journal. 


A man never knows his real value un¬ 
til he is sued for breach of promise. 


A Clear Case of Nerve- 

A nerve doctor—one 
who advertises to build 
up broken constitutions, 
and shattered nerves— 
had a call the other day 
from a man who looked 
very much broken down, 
or up, whichever way 
you look at it. 

“What are your symp- 
tons?” asked the nerve 
doctor. 

“Well, I feel weak” 
“Exactly. Great dis~ 
inclination to do any¬ 
thing ? ” 

“ You’ve hie it exactly,, 
doctor, disinclination to- 
do anything, and that’s 
why I’ve come to see 
you.” 

“ Eucky you didn’t 
put it off any longer. 
Bad taste in the mouth 
mornings ? ” 

“Awful.” 

“ Vision dim ? ” 

“ Can’t see across the 
street. ” 

“You ought to ha\e 
come here before. Your 

nerves want strengthening immediate¬ 
ly. You’ve actually no nerve left.” 

“ No nerve left, you say ? (With sud¬ 
den energy)—Doctor, lend me ten dol¬ 
lars ? ” 

When the doctor came back from 
kicking the fellow into the street he 
muttered. “Try to borrow money of 
me ! Well he had nerve, that’s a fact.” 


There is’nt as much wear and tear on 
a woman’s mind as there is on a man’s— 
probably because she changes it often. 
—Chicago News. 












NEW TRAVELERS’ YARNS. 


33 


A Shrewd Merchant 



Miss Flirty —I want to buy a new lamp for our parlor. I want a cheap lamp 
for about two dollars. 


Mr. Hardware —Such a pretty girl as you must have a young man calling in the 
evening. For your own sake I want to tell you that I have some lamps at two 
dollars, but they are difficult to turn down. Now, our four-dollar lamp is very 
easy to turn down. You will have no trouble at all turning it down. 

Miss Flirty —I’ll take the four-dollar one. I only wish I had got one of them 
sooner. 


An Extraordinary Case. 

Another change has been rung on the 
old bells which jingle out of tune only 
in the case of married people. This 
one comes from a young man who was 
away last summer on his bridal tour. 
The newly-wedded couple had stopped 
for three or four days at a quiet springs 
hotel with a large park about it, and 
the regulations prohibited couples 
from sitting in this park after night¬ 
fall. The young man didn’t know about 
this rule, and in the evening he and 
his bride, after a pleasant walk along 
the banks of the near-by river, strolled 
into the park and sat down. In a very 
few minutes a watchman approached 
them. 

“I am very sorry to disturb you,” he 


said politely, “but it is against the 
rules for couples to sit in the park af¬ 
ter seven o’clock.” 

“ But this is my wife,” exclaimed the 
astonished trespasser.- 

The watchman fell back as if he had 
been hit with something. 

“Well,” he said in great doubt, “I 
don’t know just what to do in such a 
case. I never had one like it before, 
but I guess I’ll let you stay. The rules 
don’t say anything about married peo¬ 
ple, and I suppose the folks that made 
them never thought anything like this 
would ever happen. Good evening,” 
and the bride and groom were left to 
wonder. 





34 


NEW TRAVELERS’ YARNS. 


A Modern Miracle. 

We may look for David T. Littler to 
lead off with one of the munificent en¬ 
tertainments which have made his 
name a household word in every corner 
of the State. When Littler entertains 
there is a sound of revelry by night 
and all goes merry as a marriage bell. 
At his last reception to the State offi¬ 
cers and members of the Assembly 
there was a mediaeval feast—the boar’s 
head and the wassail bowl. Such pro¬ 
fusion of meat and drink had never be¬ 
fore met the hungry and thirsty 
legions of the State House, even on a 
field night with the lobby. Eat and 
drink as they might, there was always 
enough and to spare. The next day 
Senator Eittler met Bishop Seymour, 
of the Southern Illinois Episcopal dio¬ 
cese. 

“Bishop, "said he, “I am a convert to 
your belief in miracles.” 

“Ah,Senator, ”said the Bishop, “I was 
sure it would come. And since I am 


sure it was neither my el oquence nor 
arguments, I may, without egotism, ask 
what has wrought this change. ” 

The Senator rose on tiptoe and whis¬ 
pered in the Bishop’s ear. 

“This morning, ”said he, “I found 
that I had three baskets of champagne 
left over from last night. ” 

The good Bishop was puzzled, and said 
he could not see any connection be¬ 
tween champagne and miracles. 

“Well, its this way,’’Littler replied. 
“I’m willing to admit it was possible to 
save seven baskets of bread from that 
crowd in Gallilee when it’s possible to 
save three baskets of champagne from 
the Illinois Legislature. 


Heroic Treatment 

“ How are you getting along with 
that raw Swede girl you hired ?” 

“She is not raw now. My wife’s 
mother has been roasting her three 
times a day ever since she came.’’ 


Retired Late 



“Helay down between one and two.” 


Double Mean¬ 
ings. 

One day when a 
celebrated barris¬ 
ter was on his way 
to West minster 
Hall with his large 
bag full of briefs, 
he was impu- 
dently accosted by 
a boy, who asked 
him if he was a 
dealer in old 
clothes. 

“No,’’replied the 
barrister, “these 
are all new suits- 

























































NEW TRAVELERS’ YARNS. 



The New Folding Rubber Bath. And He 


Wife —It's all very 
well, but how are you 
going to empty it? 

Husband— Wait till I am 


Went Next Day to the 
Jeweler’s. 

“Bessie/’ said the young man, plead¬ 
ingly, “this is the fourth time I have 
called at your home since I saw you last. 
Is there any way by which I can always 
be sure of finding you in, or at least 
of always knowing 
where you are when 
I call for you ? ” 
“You might ring 
me up, you know,” 
responded the 
pretty telephone 
girl, looking dream¬ 
ily at her shapely 
fingers. 


through and I will show you that all it needs is a little in¬ 
telligence. 


When a girl is 
bent on getting 
married she stands 
up straighter than 
ever. 


She Wouldn’t Be Alone. 

A female teacher in a New York 
school was on very intimate terms with 
a male teacher in the same school. He 
was in the habit of strolling into her 
room during the recess and chatting 
with the object of his affections. His 
name was Smith. One day the lady 
teacher endeavored to make the class 
comprehend the omnipresence of God. 
She explained to them that God was 
everywhere. 

“Now, my dear children, suppose 
you all go out of this room except my¬ 
self, and I stay in here alone?” asked 
the female teacher. 

< < No, ” exclaimed one of the litte girls, 
“You will not be alone, for Mr. Smith 
will be with you.” 


Financial Statistics- 

Jeremy Diddler—You called me a 
deadbeat. You must take it back, sir, 
or suffer the consequences. 

Col. Percy Yerger—I never take any¬ 
thing back. 

“You don’t?” 

“Never, sir, do I take anything back ! ” 

“All right! You are the man I’ve 
been looking for. Lend me a dollar.” 


Young Foplet is very inpecunious,but 
has an amazing good opinion of his own 
wit. The other day he said to Miss 
vSharpe : “ Who do you suppose I saw on 
the back platform of the car this morn¬ 
ing ? ” “I can't imagine, ’’ answered the 
lady. * ‘ The conductor, ” chuckled Fop- 
let. “Ah,” said Miss Sharpe: “that's 
the reason you walked.” 









































36 


NEW TRAVELERS’ YARNS. 


What It Was About. 

“What’s the trouble here ?” asked a 
man who had jammed into a crowd in 
front of a physician’s office too late to 
see what had occurred. 

“Oh, just a little scrap, ’’some one re¬ 
plied. 

“But what about?” queried the curi¬ 
ous man. 

“Well, as near as I can gather, ” said 
the other, “it was this way: A young 
man just raising a red mustache called 
to consult the doctor who lives in 
there.” 

“Yes.” 

“Well, the young man had a terrible 
bad case of dyspepsia.” 

“Yes, I see.” 

“Being a dyspetic, you know, he was 
naturally touchy.” 

“Of course.” 

“Well, after he had told the doctor all 
about his trouble, and how he felt after 
eating, and so on, he sat back and 
pulled at his red mustache and waited 
for the doctor to prescribe.” 

“Exactly, I understand.” 

“And when the doctor told him what 
to do the young man started to fight, 
and that’s all there is about it.” 

“But, see here,” called the curious 
man, as the other started to walk away, 
“the doctor must have said something 
to offend the young man with the red 
mustache; didn’t he?” 

“Oh, yes, o f course; but he didn’t 
mean it, you know. When he told the 
young man with the .red mustache to 
diet he wasn’t referring to the mus¬ 
tache. You’re welcome. Good day.”— 
N.Y. World. 


Mrs. Gwilliams—I heard you tell Mr. 
Sflint to come around at lunch time 
down-town to-morrow and you would 
have a h o t-scotch. What is a hot- 
scotch, dear? 

Mr. Gwilliams—Cooked oatmeal, my 
dear. 


The Railroad Gateman. 

Gatemen in the railway stations are 
all politeness and suavity to the ladies, 
but they are gi'uff and severe to mem¬ 
bers of the other sex, we have observed. 
In the Broad street station, in Philadel¬ 
phia. the other day, we overheard dia¬ 
logues like the following : 

Gentleman (to Gateman)—Do I pass 
through your gate to take the train for 
New York ? 

Gateman—Not before it is open. 

Gentleman—What time will that be? 

Gateman—About five minutes before 
the train starts. 

Gentlemm—Can you tell methe hour 
of the train’s departure ? 

[Gateman doesn’t appear to hear the 
question.] 

Lady [stepping up briskly]—Isn’t the 
train for New York ready ? 

Gateman [touching his cap, as she is 
quite good looking ]—Not yet, madam, 
it is a few minutes late, but if you 
stand here I will tell you when i t 
arrives. You will then have plenty of 
time to find a seat. 

Gentleman—How much behind time 
is the New York train ? 

Gateman(coldly)—Don’t know. 

Another Eady—Can I go to West Ches¬ 
ter this afternoon ? 

Gateman—Certainly, by three trains; 
First 2:30; second- 

Eady—Oh, the first will do, thank you 
ever so much. 


The servant of a naval commander, 
an Irishman, one day let a tea kettle 
fall into the sea, upon which he ran to 
his master: “Arrah, an’ plase your 
honor, can anything be said to be lost 
when you know where it is ?” 

“Certainly not,” replied the officer. 

“Why, thin, by my sowl and St. Pat¬ 
rick, the tea kettle is at the bottom of 
the say.” 








NEW TRAVELERS’ YARNS. 


37 


A Joke on Rafferty. 

“Did you hear the great joke we have 
on Rafferty ? ” asked Mr. Finn of O’Brien, 
as they stood against Murphy’s bar. 

“ Faith I did not, ” responded O’Brien. 
“Did his wife run away wid another 
man ? ” 

“ Don’t be funny, O’Brien. Sure that 
would be no joke. Wait till I tell you. 
You see, Rafferty’s not long out from 
the old country and he never saw a tel¬ 
ephone nor wan o’ them machines wid 
rubber hose that you put in your ears 
and hear things like brass bands and 
funny songs. Well, Rafferty had polit¬ 
ical inflooence and he got a job workin’ 
on the big pipes. He is foreman of a 
gang of the six tads like himself that 
play him the devils own thricks. Yis- 
terda’ he left the gang alone for awhile, 
and when he came back there was neith¬ 
er hide nor hair of them to be seen. 
Of course he went to the saloon here to 
find them. You know that Mike here 
behind the bar is a great joker. He 
told Rafferty that the gang were in the 
cellar singin ’The Wearin of the Green 
wid a keg of beer to help them. So he 
took Rafferty to the five-cent machine 
in the corner and told him it was a 
telegraph that connected wid the 
cellar.” 

“bure there’s no cellar to the place, 
interrupted O’Brien. 

“Faith I know that, and you know it 
and ivery wan knows it but Rafferty. 
D’ye see the joke?” 

“Usha, I do. But what happened 

him ? " 

“ He put the rubber hose in his ears 
and Mike dropped a nickel in the hole, 
Rafferty not seein’ him, and the wheels 
began to go and twinty men were sing¬ 
in’ at wan time the Irish patriotic 

hymn: 


Yerra Paddy, dear, and did you hear 
The news that’s goin’ round, 

The shamrock is forbid by law 
To grow on Irish ground. 

“Rafferty was wild wid delight. He 
didn’t hear the song since he left Ar¬ 
magh. And when the song was through 
he went up to Mike and leaning over 
the bar he said: 

“Whisper, Mike! Don’t talk loud, 
for fear they’ll hear you. But sind an¬ 
other keg of beer down to thim and 
charge it to me. Thim boys are patri¬ 
ots and they can stay there for a week 
and git full pay.” N. Y. World 


A Time to Settle. 



Barkeeper —Come, now; settle for this 
beer. 

Tramp —How would it do to let the 
beer settle itself? 


















38 


NEW TRAVELERS’ YARNS. 


A Suspicious Man. 

A young man in a Southern town ap¬ 
plied to the keeper of a livery stable for 
a horse and buggy. 

“Who is going along with you?” 
asked the latter. 

“I am going to take my wife’s mother 
out for a ride. She is not well, and I 
want her to have some fresh air. I 
wish you would put a spade and a hat¬ 
chet in the bottom of the buggy.” 

“ What do you want them for ? ” 

“I want to dig up some young cedar 
trees to plant in the cemetery.” 

“I don’t think I can let you have a 
buggy.” 

“Why not? ’* 

“Because I don’t want to be hauled 
up as a witness every time court meets. 
I have got my business to attend to.” 

“I don’t understand you.” 

“ Maybe you don’t, but I understand 
you. You have been married some 
years and when a married man in this 
town wants to take his mother-in-law 
out for a ride for her health, and wants 
a spade and a hatchet, and talks about 
planting things in the cemetery, that’s 
all I want to know.” 

“ But my dear sir ”- 

“It may be all right, but I don’t pro¬ 
pose to take any risks. When your 
trial comes off you will swear there is a 
prejudice against you in this town, and 
you can’t get a fair trial, and get a 
change of venue to some county away 
off, and I’ll have to go there as a witness 
every time the case is continued, or be 
fined forty dollars. If you want to get 
rid of your wife’s mother you go to a 
drug store and get some ‘ Rough on 
Rats,’ and it will be a case of suicide or 
accident, but I am not going to be 
mixed up in it by supplying you with 
spades and hatchets, and a horse and 
buggy to carry off the corpse to hide. 


No, sir-ree ! Why don’t you ask me to 
put a coffin in the buggy besides ? No 
sir, I am not that kind of a livery stable 
man. I’m not in that line of business. 
I sympathize with you, but for the 
mere hire of a horse and buggy I can’t 
afford to take any such risk.” 


An Irish Resolution. 

The following is a resolution of an 
Irish corporation: “That a new jail 
should be built, that this be done out 
of the materials of the old one, and the 
old jail to be used until the new one 
be completed.” A. G. B. 


Circumstances Alter Cases. 

The marriage of Miss Gould to a little 
French dude is not the only one in 
which money plays a part. 

Dusenberry was so full when he went 
to get married that he wanted to whip 
the minister and he offered to bet that 
he could pull one of the pillars from 
under the church roof and bring down 
the house like Sampson. 

Minister (to weeping bride)—Did you 
know that this man drank when you ac¬ 
cepted him ? 

Weeping Bride—Y-y-yes, sir. 

Minister—Did you ever see him full 
before ? 

Weeping Bride—Y—y—yes, sir. 

Minister—Then why did you want to 
marry him ? 

Weeping Bride—I thought that mar¬ 
riage might sober him up. 

Minister—Well, marriage does usual¬ 
ly sober a man up. But in this case it 
seems to have made him all the drunk¬ 
er. What is he worth ? 

Weeping Bride (with alacrity)—Forty 
thousand dollars. 

Minister—Oh, that makes a differ¬ 
ence. Deacon Williams, hold the groom 
up until I get through with this cere¬ 
mony. 








NEW TRAVELERS’ YARNS. 


39 


To Restore Lost Energy. 


Smart Boy. 



Little Dick—“ There goes Johnny 
Smart on a safety. He’s the brightest 
boy in town.” 

Father—“How so?” 

Little Dick—“He got himself a rich 
father.” 

Father—“Humph! I don’t under¬ 
stand.” 

Little Dick—“Why his real father 
died, an’ then an’ orful rich man got 
acquainted with his mother, but he 
didn't like Johnny; so Johnny pretended 
he was sick and goin’ to die; then after 
the rich man 
married his 
mother he got 
well.” 




Doctor (to dude who has sent for him)—What seems to be 
the matter, Mr. Softy ? 

Softy— Don’t know, ye know. Loss of energy. Can any- 
thing bring it back ? 

Doctor— Well, Yes. Manage to get broke a thousand miles 
from home, and be compelled to work your way back on a 
hand car. 


In Ireland, re¬ 
cently, a quarrel 
had taken place 
at a fair, and a cul¬ 
prit was being 
sentenced for 
m a n s 1 a ughter. 
The doctor, how¬ 
ever, had given 
evidence to show 
that the victim’s 
skull was a b- 
normally thin. 
The prisoner, on 
being asked if he 
had anything to 
say for himself, 
replied: “No, 

Yer Honor; but I 
would ask was 
that a skull for a 
man to go to a 
fair with ? ’’ 




































NEW TRAVELERS’ YARNS. 


A Serious Objection. 


A German peasant family had made 
all their arrangements to emigrate to 
the United States. The day before the 
family was to take its daparture the 
eldest son, Hans, who was an enormous 
eater, intimated that he did not care to 
go W est. 

“Has some village maiden beguiled 
thee to remain behind?’’ asked the fa¬ 
ther. 

“Nothing of the kind. ” 

“Why, then, dost thou not wish to go 
with us?” 

“I’ve been talking with the school¬ 
master and ”- 

“Well, what did he say?” 

“ He says that when it is twelve 
o’clock with us here in Germany 
that ”- 

“ That what ? ” 

“When it is twelve o’clock here with 
us that in America it is nine o’clock in 
the evening. ” 

“Well?” 

“I don't want to go to a place where 
I have to wait that long for my din¬ 
ner’’and the poor fellow completely 
broke down at the mere tnought of it. 


At a small town in Kent a gentleman 
employed a carpenter to put up a par¬ 
tition, and had it filled with sawdust to 
deaden the sound. When it was com¬ 
pleted the gentleman called from one 
side to the carpenter on the other: 
“ Smith, can you hear me?” Smith 
immediately answered, “No, sir.” 


Esther—“Cousin Jack told me that 
he had a beautifully matched pole team. 
What kind of horses are they ?” 

Nell—“ I don’t just exactly know, 
but I suppose they are perfect sticks.” 


The race is not always to the swift ; 
but the fast are always sure to be in 
attendance. 


Gentleman—“ Riding a bicycle up 
such a steep hill is a great deal harder 
than walking. Why don’t you get off 
and push it ?” 

Boy—“ I just got it. ” 


It is too often the “ better half * t who 
doesn’t know how the other half of her 
world lives. 


A Family Fuss. 

Mose Schaumburg and his brother-in- 
law, Jacob Schwendlemeyer, met on 
Austin avenue. 

“ O, Schake, I makes yesterday von of 
de pest pargains I has made dot year. ’ 

“ Mose, vat pargain is dot you make?” 

“ I bought dot fine puggy horse of 
Colonel Yerger for one huntred dollars.” 

“ Dot vas a goot pargain, Mose, but I 
makes a petter von the day before yes¬ 
terday. ” 

“ Vot for a pargain vas dot ? ” 

“ I sold Colonel Yerger dot very pug¬ 
gy horse for fifty tollars, in hard cash.” 

“ Vy didn’t you told me so, ’’remon¬ 
strated Jake. “A nice brudder-in-Iaw 
you vas, you tarn scoundrel, to scheat 
my dear frient, Colonel Yerger, mit dot 
plug of a horse. ” 


Would not take the Risk. 

“Is this a fire insurance office ? ” 

“ Yes, sir; can we write you some in¬ 
surance ? ” 

“ Perhaps you can. You see, my em¬ 
ployer threatens to fire me next Satur¬ 
day, and I'd like some protection. ” 















NEW TRAVELERS’ YARNS. 


41 


Close H ands at Poker. 



Two old sports accustomed to catch 
the granger at poker are playing against 
one another. 

“ I call you. What ye got ? ” 

“Four aces. ” 

“ What’s yer outside card? I’ve got 
four aces myself. ” 


The Careless Creatures- 

He came home last night a bit. tired 
from a busy day’s work and his wife 
waited until he had got off his overcoat 
and sat down. 

“Did you get that piece of silk I ask¬ 
ed you to bring up to-night ? ” she in¬ 
quired, seeing that he had not laid it 
before her. 

“Yes, dear, I left it out there in the 
hall. ” 

“ Did you get the pins ? ” 

“Yes, dear. ” 

“And the ribbon? ” 

“Yes. ” 

“And Bobbie’s shoes ? ” 

“Yes. * 

“And the whisk broom ? ” 


“Yes. •’ 

“And a wick for the kitchen lamp? ” 
“Yes.” 

“ And some matches ? ” 

“Yes, they are with the other bun¬ 
dles. ” 

“And did you see the man about 
the coal ? ” 

“Yes, it will be up Monday. ” 

“And the man to fix the grate in 
the dining-room ? ’ 

“Yes; he’s coming as soon a she can.” 
“Did you see Mrs. Smith about the 
sewing society meeting ? ” 

“She said she’d come. ” 

“And—and—oh, yes, did you get a 
new shovel for the kitchen stove? ” 
“No—n—no,” he hesitated. “I 
forgot it. ” 

“Good gracious!” she exclaimed. 
“What did you do that for? You know 
we needed that shovel and I told you 
about it the very first thing when you 
went down town this morning. I do 
think you men are the most forgetful 
and carlessest creatures that ever liv¬ 
ed. ” And she flopped out to see about 
supper.—Detroit Free Press. 


An Innovation. 

“I feel as though something about 
the place ain’t jest right, ” said the 
Kansas farmer,” but hanged if I can tell 
what it is. I’ve been out ter the stable 
and the horses are lookin’ all right, 
and the cows are chewin’ their cuds. 
The pigs are all sleepin’ away as they 
ought ter, and I looked in the cistern 
and none of the children has fallen in 
there. But something ain’t nateral 
somewhere, and ding my melts if I can 
recollect what it is! ” 

“Why, you silly old pumpkin-head!” 
exclaimed his faithful wife, “I’ve been 
wonderin’why you’v been actin’ like 
an ijiot all afternoon since you went 
ter town and paid off the mortage.” 














42 


NEW TRAVELERS’ YARNS. 


He Couldn’t Half Ride. 

“ I s’pose if I should try to ride that 
machine I should break my neck, ” said 
a gawky-looking fellow, sitting on a box 
in front of the country shop, as he 
looked at the bicycle which a wheelman 
on tour had rested against a wall. 

“No, you wouldn’t, ’’replied the bicy¬ 
clist, winking at the bystanders . “I’ts 
the easiest thing in the world to do. 
Anybody can ride one of these ma¬ 
chines.” 

“ I want to know,” exclaimed the 
gawky-looking youth, “ do you think I 
could stay on if I got on?’ 

“I know you could .” 

“And make her go ? ” 

“Of course.” 

“You’re trying to fool me. ” 

“Don’t you want to try it?” 

And the tourist in knickerbockers 
winked slily once more at the in¬ 
terested spectators. 

“ How do you keep from falling of the 
blessed thing?” 

“All that you have got to do is to 
climb on, start it going and keep go¬ 
ing. Take it out and get on. ” 

The gawky chap took hold of the 
bicycle awkwardly and trundled it out 
into the middle of the' road. 

“ it isn’t quite as good a one as I’ve 
got at home, ” he said, as he mounted 
it and started down the road at a ratt¬ 
ling pace, “but I can follow directions 
on it. I can start it and keep *t going. 
It’s only four miles to the next town. 
I’ll be waiting for you there; good-by.” 

And the smart young tourist in 
knickers trudged after him on foot. 

Cork. 

Eoote, praising the hospitality of the 
Irish, after one of this trips to the sis¬ 
ter kingdom, a gentlemen asked him 
if he had ever been at Cork. “No, sir,” 
replied Foote, “but I have seen many 
drawings of it. ” C. M. S. 


No Use—Won t Work 



Tyred Phelun —Say, Weary, I wouldn’t 
hev one uv them oil wells feragift. 

Weary Iler —What’s gittin’ through 
yer now ? 

Tyred Phelun —Look at der trouble 
you’d hev countin all yer money. 


“ I never buy ready made clothing, ” 
said Senator Sorghum. 

“I didn’t know you were a fastidious 
dresser. ” 

“ I’m not. But a friend of mine once 
bought a ready-made suit of clothes 
while he was a member of the legisla¬ 
ture. He forgot to take the price tag off 
and a man who happened to be buying 
legislators at that time refused to give 
a cent more than the $20 on the ad¬ 
vertisement. 


Not Figuratively, Either 

The Moke—And how did you leave 
your colleagues back in Africa ? 

The Missionary—Oh, very much down 
in the mouth. 













NEW TRAVELERS’ YARNS. 


43 


Slightly Mixed. 


He Wanted to Die- 



Vanderchump —Were ycu ever in a railroad accident? 

Hudson River —Well, not precisely, but I rode two hundred 
miles opposite to a newly married couple, and I got so sick 
that a smash-up would have been a relief. 


Jones bought a 
mare from a far¬ 
mer who recom¬ 
mended the ani¬ 
mal as gentle, al¬ 
leging that Jones’ 
wife, for whom the 
mare was bought, 
would have no diffi¬ 
culty in driving 
her. Ne verthe- 
less, the first time 
Mrs. Jones tried to 
drive the animal 
it ran away with 
the buggy and al¬ 
most broke the 
fair driver’s neck. 

Jones, in a furious 
mood hunted up 
the farmer and 
said angrily: 

“What do you 
mean by selling me that vicious brute ? 
You told me my wife could drive her, 
but as soon as she was in the buggy 
she shied, and taking the bit between 

her teeth she ”- 

“What! your wife ? ’* 

“No; that wretched crow-bait of a 
mare with which you have swindled me. 
She wouldn’t be held in, but just reared 


‘ ‘ Your wife reared up ? ” 

“No, the mare, you fool. She nearly 
killed my wife. She kicked up with 

her hind legs ”- 

“You don’t mean to say your wife 
kicked ? ” 

“No; the wretched mare. My poor 
wife is half dead with fright and anxie¬ 
ty. She hasn’t eaten a bite since yes¬ 
terday, but lies on the sofa with her 

eyes shut, moaning and crying ”- 

“ The mare does that ? ” 


“No; my wife. I have half a notion 
to murder you. We have to give her a 
teaspoonful of brandy every half hour.” 

“The mare? ” 

“No, my wife, donkey. This beast 
you have sold me should be killed. She 
is liable to run away at any moment, 
first chance she gets.” 

“You mean your wife ? ” 

“No, your darned old mare. I want 
my money back.” 

“ Why didn’t you say you wanted the 
mare for your wife ? You merely said 
you wanted the animal for a lady. I 
thought perhaps you wanted some¬ 
thing for your mother-in-law to drive.” 

“Now I see how I can make some 
money out of that brute.” 

“ Out of your mother-in-law ? ” 

“No, the mare. I’ll tell a newspaper 
reporter about the mare running away, 
but say that, instead of my wife, it was 
my mother-in-law who was driving. 
The married men of my acquaintance 
will pay any price for her. So you see 
it’s all right, good morning.” 



































44 


NEW TRAVELERS’ YARNS. 


Livin’ Wid Her Grandmother.] 

In a Southern family lives an old man 
named Jeff, who has been with them 
and the previous generation for more 
years than they can remember. He is 
certainly pretty old himself, so his 
mistress was rather surprised when 
he asked to have a few days off to go, 
as he put it, “up to de ole State of New 
Haven, ” to see his aunt. 

“Why, Jeff, ” said Ihe lady, “you’re 
aunt must be pretty old, isn’t she ?” 

Yes’m he replied, “my aunt must be 
pretty ole now—she’s about one hun¬ 
dred and five ’ears old now. ” 

“A hundred and five years!” ex¬ 
claimed the lady. “Why, what on earth 
is she doing up there in New Haven? ” 
“’Deed, I don’t know what she’s 
doin,’ ma’am, ” rejoined Jeff, in all 
seriousness, “She’s up dere livin’wid 
her grandmother. ” M. D. 

Short Stories. 


Kelly—No, Murphy, yez can niv- 
er be prisident of the United 
States. 

Murphy (indignantly) —And phy 
not ? 

Kelly—Because yez wuz born in 
Oireland. 

Murphy—Thrue fer yez; but if 
Oi should decoide to run for the 
prisidincy how the divil could 
they iver prove thot?—Judge 


Callahan (despondently)—Shure, 
an’ Oi’ve bin leading a dog’s loife 
iver since Oi got married. 

Kerrigan (thoughtfully)—Per¬ 
haps yez wint to the wrong clerk, 
Callahan, an’ got a dog-license in- 
stid uv a marriage-license.—Judge 


She Is Probably Insane- 

“What is that big crowd doing over 
there—is there a fight ?” 

“No; that’s a dime museum, and the 
proprietor has secured a perfectly uni¬ 
que freak, the like of which has never 
been seen before. ” 

“What is it—a four-legged girl?” 

“No; it is a much rarer curiosity than 
that. He has got on exhibition a 
woman who is willing to acknowledge 
that any other woman’s dress does not 
hang like a rag. ” 


Little Boy—“I saw you kiss Sis, 
and if you don’t give me ten cents I’ll 
tell. ” 

Young Man—“ Here’s the dime. ” 
Little Boy—“Thanks. That makes 
three dollars Lve made this season. ” 


The Mystery. 



The Old Man—Hang it if it ain’t surprising, 
the way that Marie has got stuck on diving, 
this summer! 































NEW TRAVELERS’ YARNS. 


45 


Quite a Surprise. 



A little girl, very much excited, 
rushed into the parlor, which was full 
of company and exclaimed : 

“Mamma, just think of it! ” 

“Think of what, darling?” 

“Our cat has a whole lot of twins, 
and I didn’t even know she was mar¬ 
ried.” 


His Successful Bluff. 

There is a maiden within the limits 
of greater Boston who blushes furiously 
at the mention of one little word of 
three letters—s—i—r. It is a short 
story. There was a little entertainment 
at the academy where Alice graduated. 
She attended, of course, and was intro¬ 
duced to a charming young man—an 
undergraduate. “He suggested that 
we stroll 4 in the corridors,” she said 


afterward to her most intimate friend, 
“and we talked about dances, the pro¬ 
fessors, and the same old things. Then 
he tried—oh, he must have forgotten 
himself, and I won’t tell you what he 
tried to do. I wanted to bring him to 
his senses. * Sir ! ’ I said sternly, draw¬ 
ing myself up to my full height. Quick¬ 
er than lightning he straightened him¬ 
self and, with twice as much dignity as I 
had, said in a tone of freezing interroga¬ 
tion, ‘ Madam ? 9 I almost fell through 
the floor. I had not been doing a thing 
and he knew it, but I blushed and felt 
as cheap as if I had tried to—to put my 
arm around his waist. ” 


A Careful Man. 



Jinks —I hear you’ve doubled your life 
insurance. 

Binks —Yes, my wife has just joined a 
cooking school. 





























46 


NEW TRAVELERS’ YARNS. 


Two Of A Kind- 

Patrick O'Mars, a private in the 9th 
regulars, went to the colonel of his regi¬ 
ment and asked for a two weeks’ leave 
of absence. The colonel was a severe 
disciplinarian, who did not believe in 
extending too many privileges to his 
men, and did not hesitate in using a 
subterfuge in evading the granting of 
one. 

“Well,” said the colonel, “what do 
you want a two weeks’ furlough for? '* 

Patrick answered: “Me woife is very 
sick, and the children are not well, and 
if ye didn’t mind, she would like to 
have me at home for a few weeks to 
give her a bit of assistance. ” 

The colonel eyed him tor a few min¬ 
utes and said : “Patrick, I might grant 
your request, but I got a letter from 
your wife this morning sayingthat she 
didn’t want you home; that you were 
a nuisance and raised the devil when¬ 
ever you were there. She hopes I 
won’t let you have any more furloughs.” 

“ That settles it. I suppose I can’t 
get the furlough, then ? ” said Pat. 

“ No, I’m afraid not. Patrick. It 
wouldnt be well for me to do so under 
the circumstances.” 

It was Patrick’s turn now to eye the 
colonel, as he started for the door. 
Stopping suddenly, he said : 

“ Colonel, can I say something to yez?” 

“Certainly, Patrick; what is it?” 

“ You won’t get mad, Colonel, if I say 
it?” 

“Certainly not, Patrick; what is it?” 

“ I want to say there are two splendid 
liars in this room, and I'm one of them. 

I was never married in me loife.” 

Short Stories. 


Thanks. 

“Ah ! ” said the bachelor, bitterly, as 
he drew a long-hidden photograph from t 


his desk drawer. “Again I gaze upon 
your false but lovely face. Oh, Rosa¬ 
lind, I ha veyou to thank for the shatter¬ 
ed dreams of early love. I ha veyou to 
thank for these long years of lonely celi¬ 
bacy; this solitary life in these dreary 
rooms where never woman’s footsteps 
fall or children’s voices echo. I have 
you to thank, and—’ settling back in 
his easy chair, lighting a cigar and 
glancing round his luxurious apart¬ 
ments with a sigh of fervent satisfaction 
“/ thank you from the bottom of my 
heart ! ” E. R. P. 


It Roused Their Sympathy. 



Gee, Micky, just think of the torture 
he must go through every time he gets 
his neck washed. ” 

N. Y. Journal. 


“I saw Bungs yesterday, as large as 
life. I thought you said he was hurt 
in a street car accident and couldn’t 
recover. ” 

“Neither he can. The Court says it 
was his own fault. ” 












NEW TRAVELERS’ YARNS. 


47 


She Flared Up. 



day is wrong-. 

Husband—I thought it was rather light- 

Wife—N o, I tell you, it’s not right. 

Husband —It’s usually right, in the 
main. 

Wife —They ought to he ashamed to 
charge so much. 

Husband— (aside. I’ll metre with a 
chestnut)—Yes, my dear, it’a burning 
shame. 

This makes her flare up and say his 
wit is simply ghastly. 


Whipped For Telling The Truth. 

Johnny’s face was smeared with dirt 
and tears, there was a lump on his 
cheek, and one knee projected through 
a jagged rent in his trousers leg. 

“ Johnny, Johnny ! ” exclaimed his 
mother, “have you been fighting again ?” 

“Yep, ” he replied. “ Me an’ that boy 
from New York had a scrap. He looks 
wors’n I do, too, you bet!” 

“ You’ll break my heart, you wilful 
boy! What were you fighting about? 


“About the jography of Chicago. I 
said it hadn’t any bluffs, an’ he said it 
was all bluff, an’ I chugged him ! ” 


The Joke on the Joker. 

A laughable but rather embarrassing 
case of mistaken indentity occurred the 
other day in one of Boston’s largest re¬ 
tail stores. A gentleman who is a little 
too fond of joking, entered the store for 
the purpose of meeting his wife at a cer¬ 
tain counter. Sure enough, there stood 
a lady well dressed, to his eye, at least, 
just like the woman he was after. 

Her back was turned, and no one was 
near her; so he quietly approached, took 
her by the arm, and said, in a voice of 
simulated severity: “Well, here you are, 
spending your money as usual, eh ? ’’ 
The face turned quickly toward him 
was not his wife’s; it was that of an an¬ 
gry, acrid, keen-eyed woman of about 50 
years, who attracted the attention of 
everybody in that part of the store by 
saying, in aloud, shrill voice: 

“No, I ain’t spending your money nor 
no other man’s and I’ll—” 

“I beg your pardon, madam, ’’cried 
the confused gentleman, I supposed 
you were my wife, and—” 

“Well, I just ain’t your wife, nor no 
man’s wife, thank fortune, to be jawed 
at every time I buy a yard of ribbon ! I 
pity your wife if you go round shaking 
her like you did me. If I was her, 
I’d—” 

The chagrined joker waited to hear 
no more, but made his way out of the 
shop amid the titters and sly chuckles 
of those who had witnessed the confm 
sion. 


“Much adue about nothing,” re¬ 
marked the Summer boarder when his 
bill was presented. 























48 


NEW TRAVELERS’ YARNS. 


An Impostor Foiled. 

Yesterday an excited man rushed 
into a drug store and exclaimed: 

“Oh my, I’m ruined ! Give me ten 
ounces of camphire or whisky. Give 
me the whisky.” 

He fell against the counter. His eyes 
rolled back and his tongue hung out. 
The druggist asked : 

“What ails you man ?” 

He drew back his tongue and said 
“snake bite,” and shot it out again. 

“Whisky, snakebite !” 

“How did you get snake bit ? ’ asked 
a physician, who was in the drug store, 
taking hold of the man’s hand and feel¬ 
ing his pulse. 

The tongue went in and the words 
“fooling’ with a rattlesnake,” came out. 

“Where did it bite you ?” 

“Right here,” he replied, exhibiting a 
small black hole on the back of his hand. 

“Where did you get the snake?” 

“Museum. Gimme some whisky?” 

“This hole was made by a lead pencil. ” 

“Head pencil!” said the victim, con¬ 
temptuously, “made by the pizen fang 
of a copperhead.” 

“Thought it was a rattlesnake ?” 

“Didn’t say it was a rattlesnake. Oh, 
I’m dying. Dying in a civilized land. 
Dying within forty miles of home. To 
think that I have traveled all over the 
snake countries and then to come back 
and be killed by a common black snake.” 

“Thought it was a copperhead.” 

“Now, here,” said the man, untangl¬ 
ing his eyes and stiffening himself, “it 
don’t make any difference what you 
think. I’m dying irom the effect of a 
snake bite. That’s about as much as 
you want to know. A gallon of whisky 
will save my life. Am I among human 
beings ? ” 

Just then a red-faced man stuck his 
head into the door and yelled : 


“Come on, Bill. Them fellow 
wouldn’t care if you was swallowed by a 
booyconstructor. ” 

The tongue went back into the 
mouth, the evidence of suffering 
passed away, and the victim took up 
his hat and joined his companion. 


The magician was making a one-night 
stand in a little Jersey town. He had 
been performing for an hour, and had 
his audience in a good humor. It was 
“with him ” in everything, and when he 
pulled the bad boy of the town, up on 
the stage a general laugh followed. 

“Are you sure, my lad, that all your 
pockets are empty ? ” he asked. , 

“Quite sure, sir,” answered the cub 
“for the rabbit dat you put in me coat 
before de show got away.” 


He Was Thinking ofPOker. 



Mrs. Bluff —Darling, I would like a 
cheque this morning. 


Mr. Bluff (who was out late with the 
boys and is only half awake )— Which 
will you have, red or blue ? 














NEW TRAVELERS’ YARNS. 


49 


They Never Run Down. 



Shk—T here ! I knew you’d forget the 
clock! How do you expect to catch the 
commuter’s train, when it’s hard work 
for even the alarm co wake you ? 

He—W hat’s the matter with the roost¬ 
ers ? 


Fun on an “L Train ” 

When the 2:30 a.m. train of the Sixth 
avenue elevated road reached Park place 
the other morning a man carrying a 
covered harp boarded the train with 
the heterogeneous crowd that was 
standing on the platform without at¬ 
tracting particular notice. 

Just as the train started he put his 
hands under the cloth that covered his 
instrument and began to play softly 
some Italian music. 

Two other men were seated on his 
right, and the only woman on the train 
sat beside the furthermost one, who 
was evidently her escort. 

When the train had reached Grand 
treetthe soft strains of “ Martha” grad¬ 
ually died away, and suddenly the per¬ 
haps less classical but more modern 
tune of * ‘ Mary and John ” smote the ears 
of the passengers. The catchy air soon 
proved that it had not yet lost its pop¬ 


ularity among a certain class of belat¬ 
ed and hilarious young men who were 
near the player, thus reversing the 
order of things somewhat. 

A few seconds later a female voice, 
strong and clear, broke in and was 
distinctly heard above the more 
voluminous but less strident voices 
of the young man. 

All passangers forthwith craned 
their necks to look at the woman, who 
did not seem to be of the kind that 
would join such an improvised concert 
in such a place. Everybody laughed 
except the woman, who blushed a 
crimson red. No one could see her lips 
move, and as it happened perhaps for 
the first time in her life, her mouth 
was closed. She was evidently greatly 
embarrassed and turned from her es¬ 
cort to the crowd of astonished pas¬ 
sengers and finally looked under her 
seat. 

All sorts of exclamation of astonish¬ 
ment went forth. 

“She’s a mighty good ventriloquist,” 
one said. 

“ I’ll bet she’s got a whistle in her 
mouth, ” another exclaimed. 

The passengers were now all roaring 
with laughter. 

“Fourteenth street!” called the 
conductor. 

The woman got up. “John, ’’she said, 
almost hysterically, “I am not going to 
stand this any longer. Let's get out. 
Come.” 

John went. 

When they were out of sight the fe¬ 
male voice was still treating the crowd 
to a rather risque dialogue between Mary 
and John. 

An investigation was set on foot, 
when it was discovered that the harpist, 
whom people at first thought was an 
Italian, while laying his head nonchal¬ 
antly on the left side of his harp, as 
lazy Italians are wont to do, was imitat¬ 
ing a female voice so perfectly as to, 
completely deceive everybody. 

Another outburst of laughter follow¬ 
ed, when the harpist lazily and uncon¬ 
cernedly got up and left the train at 
Eighteenth street, apparently unaware 
of the fun he had been making at the 
woman’s expense.—New York Herald.. 















5° 


NEW TRAVELERS’ YARNS. 


The Tramps and the Free Lunch, 



10:01 A. M. 


Misplaced Emphasis. 

A gentleman who spent a summer in 
a small village in Norfolk tells how a 
kind hearted woman without the slight¬ 
est. idea of making him ridiculous gave 
his fellow boarders a chance for a 
hearty laugh at his expense. 

“We had haddock for supper one 
night, and happening to be peculiarly 
hungry I ate heartily of it, but unfor¬ 
tunately swallowed a bone. One of the 
young women of the house endeavored 
to comfort me by saying that no harm 
would ever come from a fishbone, as it 
would dissolve of itself. 

“Mrs. H. had been observing me anx¬ 
iously and now spoke : 

“ ‘ Don’t be too sure about that,’ she 
said. ‘ I think you ought to take some¬ 
thing at once, Mr. S., for we lost a pig 
once by his getting a fishbone in his 
throat.’”—London Paper. 



10:2 A. M. 


She : “Oscar, you were talking all last night in your sleep about Jennie. Who 
is Jennie ? ” 

Oscar : “Jennie? Oh, ha! Yes, you see my friend Slivers bought a cow the 
other day, named her after his wife, and was showing her to me yesterday.” 

She : “Well, that’s the first time I ever knew a cow to go in bathing and eat 
ice cream with you at Coney Island.” 

















































































NEW TRAVELERS’ YARNS. 


5i 


A Responsible Position. 



Mrs. McGrath— And phwat is it yer 
husband be’s doing fer a living, Mrs. 
Rafferty ? 

Mrs. Rafferty (loftily)—Me husband 
is in the employ of the Signal Service. 


“Called Down/’ 

Once in a while you will come across 
some ^ery fresh jays. At Vicksburg, 
Miss., there were a lot of chaps in the 
hotel office. One fellow bent on a“ jolly, ” 
quietlj r gave the others the tip and 
stepped up to a somewhat weather¬ 
beaten and rough looking drummer 
and said, at the same time putting his 
hand in his pocket, “Do you smoke 
cigarettes ? ” “ No,” was the reply, “ I’m 

a butcher, I only smoke hams. I am 
too busy to bother with you to-day. 
The laugh was on the other side of the 
house. 

At Louisville, Ky., I saw a smart alec 
called down in the most effective way. 
He was telling everybody how smart he 
was, and how he could tell a man be¬ 
fore he knew him five minutes, and a 


person had to get up very early in the 
day to get the best of him. A rather 
quiet, unassuming man was taking it 
all in, and ventured to ask the man-who- 
knew-it-all if he believed in second 
sight. “ No,” said he, “ you can’t make 
me believe you can tell me what’s in 
my mind.” “ That wouldn’t be hard to 
do,’ said the quiet man. “If you have 
a card in your pocket I can tell you 
what is on it. Don’t let me see it. Just 
show it to some of the gentlemen here 
and I’ll tell you what’s on it.” “ I’ll bet 
you five dollars you can’t,” declared the 
smart one. “ Put up your mon ! ” And 
the bet was made. So taking the card 
from his pocket he showed it to the 
gentlemen about him. “Now,” said 
the unassuming man, “ you are sure I 
didn’t see it?” “Yes ! ” came from a 
a dozen of the crowd. Then the gen¬ 
tleman who-knew-it-all was told to carry 
it to the further end of the room, and 
put his foot on the card so as to cover 
it thoroughly. The unassuming man 
said, “Are you sure I can’t see the card, 
and you want me to tell you what’s on 
it?” “Yes!” came the answer. “A 
fool of a drummer,” said the quiet, list¬ 
less man. And he won the five dollars. 


Beacon—“ Boston is the seat of learn¬ 
ing and culture in America.” 

Bleecker—“Then. I presume, that is 
why bright people tlirougout the coun¬ 
try are all the time trying to sit on it.” 


The Admirer—“ I admire your reper¬ 
toire ever so much.” 

“ The Star—“Yes, he was a reper¬ 
toire on the Blaze before I engaged him. ” 


A great many who try to act the 
prodigal son find too late that they act¬ 
ed the calf instead. 
























5 2 


NEW TRAVELERS’ YARNS. 


The Maddening Crowd’s Ignoble Strife. 



New York Business Man (to partner as he enters very much dilapidated )-Why, old 
man, what’s the matter ? Riot or policeman? 

Partner (trying to appear cheerful)—Oh, no, nothing of the kind. I was the 
last man off the car at the City Hall station, and the crowd closed in on me, 
that’s all. 


Small Bostonian struggling with her 
arithmetic.— “Oh, dear—” 

Papa.—What is it, my child?” 

Small Bostonian.—“I wish I were 


Papa.— “An Australian rabbit ? Why, 
my child?” 

Small Bostonian.— “ Because they 
multiply so rapidly.” 


an Australian rabbit.” 




































































NEW TRAVELERS’ YARNS. 


53 


Rapid Transit- 

It is well known that the Madison ave¬ 
nue cars do not travel quite so fast as 
a comet. An illustration of how. slow 
they travel occured the other day when 
a car driver was discharged for refusing 
to stop for a crippled man. The man 
who made the complaint had been in 
the habit of riding on the street cars 
before he was laid up with paralysis. 
The first time he was able to get out on 
crutches he signaled to the street car 
driver, but the latter drove on. The car 
driver owned up that he saw the man 
but didn’t know that he wanted to ride. 

The cripple proceeded to the office of 
the company and made complaint. 
The driver was ordered to appear before 
the President of the company. 

“Did you see that crippled man?” 
asked the President of the company. 
“Certainly, I saw him. ” 

“ Did he signal to you with his crutch 
to stop ? ” 

“ I saw him shake his crutch at me, 
and holler something or other. ” 

“ Why didn't you stop the car? ” 

“ Because I didn’t think he wanted 
to ride on the car, for he could go fast¬ 
er on his crutches than on the car. 
When he shook his crutch I thought 
he was making fun of me for going so 
slow. I thought he was bantering me 
for a race, so I put the whip to the team 
and made the car go as fast as I could, 
and somehow, I won the race. 


She Objected. 

“Mr. Courtey asked me to marry 
him last night,” she blushingly told 
her mother. 

“ And what did you tell him ? 

“1 told him to ask you. ” 

“Ask me ? ” echoed the startled par¬ 


ent. “Why, Mary, surely you would¬ 
n’t have your dear old mother commit 
bigamy, would you ? ” 


A Candid Friend. 



Two gentlemen who bad not seen 
each other for many years met in Har¬ 
lem. One of them had lost most of his 
hair. 

“Well, old fellow, you were not par¬ 
ticularly bright when you were a boy, 
but somehow or other I always had a 
suspicion that you would become 
something—something shining, so to 
speak, I knew there was some come-out 
in you. 

“Well, what have I become? What 
particular come-out is there about me?” 

“Why, your hair has come out, and 
you have become bald-headed. ” 



















54 


NEW TRAVELERS’ YARNS. 


The Offending Eye. 



Mr. Huff (hotly)—Sir, if you do not quit staring at my wife, I will pull your 
nose ! 

Mr. Gouff —Better pull out my glass eye; that’s the offending member. 


“My friends,” said a builder, whose 
health had been drunk at a dinner in 
celebration of the completion of a public 
hall which he had constructed, “My 
friends, I would gladly express my feel¬ 
ings did for I not feel that I am better 
fitted the scaffold than for public 
speaking.” 


The Bill was Passed. 

Alta had heard her elders talking 
about the possibility of the Wilson bill 
passing the House. At dinner, one 
windy day, a newspaper blew past the 
window. 

“Oh,” she exclaimed, “isn’t that the 
Wilson bill ? ” 
























































































NEW TRAVELERS’ YARNS. 


55 


Reforming a Parrot. 

A Pittsburger, who spent a part of 
last summer in England, tells an inci¬ 
dent which sadly disturbed the relig¬ 
ious peace of a parish in Penzance. 

A maiden lady of that town owned a 
parrot, which, somehow, acquired the 
disagreeable habit of observing at fre¬ 
quent intervals: 

“ I wish the old lady would die. ” 

This annoyed the bird’s owner, who 
spoke to her curate about it. 

“I think we can rectify the matter, ” 
replied the good man. “I also have a 
parrot, and he is a righteous bird, hav¬ 
ing been brought up in the way he 
should go. I will lend you my parrot, 
and I trust his influence will reform 
that depraved bird of yours. ” 

The curate’s parrot was placed in the 
same room with the wicked one and as 
soon as the two had become accus¬ 
tomed to each other, the bad bird re¬ 
marked: 

“ I wish the old lady would die. ” 

Whereupon the clergyman’s bird 
rolled up his eyes and in solemn accents 
added: 

“We beseech the to hear us, good 
Lord?” 

The story got out in the parish, and 
for several Sundays it was necessary to 
omit the litany at the church services. 

E. M. H 


Foiled. 

One cold, icy morning in December 
the nonenity of the high school at C—- 
arrived at the schoolhouse late by ten 
minutes. The teacher, who delighted 
in reprimanding him, demanded an ex¬ 
cuse in tones which attracted the at¬ 
tention of all the scholars in the room. 

“George, were you out late last 
evening ?” 

“Why, I did think that I would never 


get here. Every step I took ahead I 
slipped two steps behind; the sidewalks 
are so slippery. ” 

Confident that he had nicely “caught” 
his pupil, the teacher remarked as fol¬ 
lows: 

“By a simple method of computation 
we have then, that at every effort made 
by you to proceed forward, your feet 
slipped upon the pavement and you 
proceeded in the opposite direction 
from that you anticipated. How, then, 
in the name of Euclid are you here 
now, since your direction was back¬ 
ward instead of forward ? ” 

Smiling cynically at his pupils, he 
awaited the answer. It came. 

“I turned around and started for 
home. ” George was excused without 
further ceremony. 

Short Stories. 


He was a great bore and was talking 
to a crowd about the local coming elec¬ 
tion. He said, “Jones is a good man; 
he is capable, honest, fearless and con¬ 
scientious. He will make the very 
kind of official we need. He once saved 
my life from drowning. ” 

“Do you really want to see Jones 
elected ? ” said a solemn faced old man. 

“I do, indeed. I’d do anything to see 
him elected, ” said the bore. 

“Then never let anybody know he 
saved your life, ” counselled the solemn¬ 
faced man.” 

Arthur H. Williams in Short Stories. 


There are hotels and there are hotels. 
Did you ever strike the hotel where the 
rooms are so small that you have to 
go out in the hall to think. Or w r here 
the beds were so little whenever you 
wanted to turn over you had to get out 
of bed. If you haven’t struck these 
you are in luck and working the right 
territory. 










56 


NEW TRAVELERS’ YARNS. 


A Few Good Gags- 

What is the difference between the 
manager of a theatre and a sailor? A 
sailor likes to see a light house and the 
manager don’t. 

When was the theatrical business 
first spoken of in the Bible ? When 
Eve appeared for Adam’s benefit. 

Why does a dog turn around twice 
before lying down ? He wants to satis¬ 
fy himself in his own mind that one 
good turn deserves another. 

Why cannot a deaf man be legally 
convicted ? Because it is unlawful to 
convict any man without a hearing. 

Why is a pretty girl like a locomo¬ 
tive? She sends off the sparks, trans¬ 
ports the mail and has a train follow¬ 
ing her—and sometimes switches off on 
the wrong track and bursts her boiler. 

Why is a pig with a curly continua¬ 
tion like the ghost of Hamlet’s father? 
Because it could a tail unfold. 

What’s the difference between kiss¬ 
ing a young lady and making cider? 
One you have to squeeze before you 
can <ret cider and the other you have to 
get cider [side her] before you can 
squeeze her. 

Why a is piano player like a pick¬ 
pocket? Because they are always fin¬ 
gering notes. 

What time of day was Adam born ? 
A little before Eve. 

Why is a dog’s tail the biggest curio¬ 
sity in the world ? Because it was never 
seen before. 

Why is an old maid like a bad lemon ? 
Because neither is worth squeezing. 

Why is a chicken on a fence like a 
penny? It’s head on one side and tail 
on the other. 

When is a candle like a tombstone? 
When it sets up for a late husband. 

When is water most liable to escape? 
When it’s only half tide. 


Why are tight rope dancers the great¬ 
est favorites with the public? Their 
performances are always on cord [en¬ 
cored.] 

Why is a hill like a pill ? One is hard 
to get up and the other is hard to get 
down. 

Why are musicians the laziest people 
in the world ? Because they work when 
they play, and play when they work. 

Why are women like prize fighters ? 
Her fingers are always ready to enter a 
ring, and she’s always more than a 
match for any man double her size. 

When does an audience resemble a 
flock of geese ? When they sit down, 
look up and hiss at the stars. 

Why is a baby like a sheaf of wheat? 
First it’s got to be cradled, then 
thrashed before it becomes fit for fam¬ 
ily use, and finally becomes the flower 
of the family. 


Which Was It? 

The mother of two sons, twins, met 
one of the brothers in the yard. 

“ Which of you two boys am I talking 
to?” asked the mother, “is it you or 
your brother?” 

i( Why do you ask ? ” inquired the lad 
prudently. 

“Because, if it is your brother, I’ll 
box his ears.” 

“It is not my brother; it is I.” 

“ Then your brother is wearing your 
coat, because yours had a hole in it.” 

“No, mother; I’m wearing my own 
coat.” 

“Good Heavens,” shrieked the moth¬ 
er, looking at him intently; “ you are 
your brother after all.” 


This Summer girl shall pass away, 
Our lovely dream be o’er; 

But do not weep or dread the day, 
There will be plenty more. 








NEW TRAVELERS’ YARNS. 


57 


City Versus Country. 



Socifty Reporter (to young lady from the county)— I suppose 
you find considerable difference between this affair and a social 
gathering out in New Jersey. 

Miss Rusticus— Waal, yes; you see out in the country we have to 
wear clothes all over us. ___ 


Pointed 

Paragraphs 

“Keep off 
the grass” is 
a two foot 
rule. 

When a 
sculptor 
makes a cast 
he fishes for 
fame. 

Scorchers 
and gossips 
are always 
r u n n i n g 
other people 
down. 

Cigars are 
often re¬ 
ferred to as 
weeds. The 
reason is ob¬ 
vious. 

The other 
half has to 
live on what 
the better 
half is able 
to cook. 


A Local Boomer, 


“But you have no right to charge 


A well-dressed man was walking 
along Jefferson avenue when a boot- 
black tackled him. 

“Shine, sir?” asked the boy. 

“How much?” inquired the gentle¬ 
man, noticing that the youngster was 
a bright little fellow, who might prove 
interesting. 

“Ten cents. ” 

“Isn’t that double price?” 

“You don’t live here do you ? 

“No.” 

“That’s what I thought. 

“What difference does that make. 

“Five cents’ difference,” grinned the 


strangers more than other people.” 

“That’s the rule of the business.” 

“What have you such a rule for ? ” 

“To incourage immergation.” 

The words came so hard to the boy 
that the gentleman laughed at him. 

“How does it encourage immigra¬ 
tion ? ” he said. 

“Dead easy. You see, this is the 
finest town on earth, and when a gent 
like you walks around with a ten cent 
shine on his feet he feels so good that 
he wants to buy the biggest house and 
lot he can find and settle down right 
away. See ? ” 

The gentleman saw—ten cents worth. 
_Detroit Free Press. 


boy. 





























5* 


NEW TRAVELERS’ YARNS. 


The Mule of Matanzas- 

Who has not heard the story told 
How, at Matanzas Bay, 

One valiant mule stood firm and cool, 
While others ran away? 

Well might the warlike Blanco tell 
Of that surprising feat, 

While wreck and ruin filled the air 
From the great Yankee fleet. 
Where he was born no word is said, 
Nor of his pedigree; 

We only know he courage had 
To a supreme degree. 

Even his name we are not told, 

Nor what his rank before, 

But deem his action on that day, 
Should make him Commodore. 

For when the Yankee fleet belched 
forth 

Its noise and rain of fire, 

He simply raised aloft his nose, 

And raised his note still higher. 
While shot and shell made very hell, 

He simply pricked his ears, 

And firmly stood in that wild flood 
Unmoved by mortal fears. 

Too bad we cannot even know 
The further honors paid, 

The cabled tributes simply show 
That mule was not afraid. 

J. A. Bassett. 


Knew What He Wanted- 

Customer—I want some kind of a 
floor spring. One that won’t get out of 
order. 

Hardware Dealer—A door spring ? 

Customer—Yes, and one that won't 
require the strength of an elephant to 
open. 

Dealer—Hem! 

Customer—And yet it must be strong 
enough to bring the door all the way to 
and not leave it swinging a couple of 
inches. 


Dealer—I see. 

Customer—And when the door closes 
I don t want it to ram shut like a cata¬ 
pult, with a jar that shakes the house 
from its foundations. 

Dealer—Yes. You want one that 
will bring the door all the way to and 
yet do it gently. 

Customer—That’s the idea. But I 
don’t want any complicated arrange¬ 
ment that requires a skilled mechanic 
to attend to it. 

Dealer—No, of course not. You want 
something simple, yet strong and ef¬ 
fective. 

Customer—That’s the talk; some¬ 
thing that can be put on or taken off 
easily; something that will do its work 
quietly, yet thorotighly, and won’t be 
eternally getting out of order. 

Dealer—I see. 1 know exactly what 
you want, sir, just exactly. 

Customer—Well, show me one. 

Dealer—We don’t keep door springs. 


Did you hear of that big explosion in 
Mineola yesterday ? 

No. What was it ? 

The wind blew up the street. 

Good! That’s a “Rickey” on me. 
I’ll go you. Get us retire to the cafe 
and I’ll blow you off. 


Customer—I haven t any change with 
me this morning; will you trust me for 
a postage stamp until to-morrow ? 

D.ug Clerk—Certainly, Mr. Jones. 

Customer—But suppose I should get 
killed, or- 

Drug Clerk—Pray don’t speak of it, 
Mr. Jones. The loss would be but a 
trifle.—Chicago News. 









NEW TRAVELERS’ YARNS. 


59 


Natural Curiosity. 



“Yes, but there is one great natural curiosity in New 
York that is not in the museum/’ 

“To what natural curiosity do you refer? ” 

“The natural curiosity I have to know where my hus¬ 
band spends his evenings. 


Too Much of a Surprise. 

Teacher—You are painfully slow 
with figures, Tommy. Come, now, 
speak up quickly. If your father gave 
your mother a $10 bill and a $5 bill, 
what would she have ? 

Tommy—A fit. 


The Terrible Pun¬ 
ster. 

Here is a man ser¬ 
iously afflicted with 
punsteria. The 
other day the train 
he wanted to catch 
went out of the sta¬ 
tion as he went into 
it. 

“There it goes in 
a cloud of dust,” re¬ 
marked a friend, 
pointing down the 
track. 

“I thought it was 
missed,” he said 
solemnly and start¬ 
ed back home. 

The same man— 
he is unmarried— 
had an appointment 
with a young lady to 
meet him downtown 
and join a boating 
party, but she failed 
to materialize, and 
he went to the boat 
without her. 

“Hello,” ex¬ 
claimed one of the 
party, “where’s 
Miss Blank ? ’’ 

“Couldn’t find 
her,” he replied. 

“ Why not ?” 

“It’s amissed-her 
-y I don’t try to ex¬ 
plain,” he said, and 
then had to spell it 
out to shovv where 
the joke came in. 


Good to Him- 

She—Has your friend a good mem¬ 
ory ? 

He—Well, yes ; it’s good to him. He 
always forgets when he owes a fellow 
any money. 














6o 


NEW TRAVELERS’ YARNS. 


Quick Backsliding. 

There was a “big revival ” one winter 
among the colored folks near Southern 
Pines, North Carolina, under the pow¬ 
erful preaching of Brer Johnsing, who 
rained rhetorical hell fire upon his 
hearers and depicted the “terrors of the 
Judgment” to them in most graphic 
language. Scores of darkies claimed 
to have “done got religion sure nuff. 

As usual among these excitable crea¬ 
tures, these conversions were attended 
with hysterical shriekings, having the 
“power,” falling, etc; until a very pan¬ 
demonium prevailed for about one 
week. Then Br’er Johnsing was called 
home by the death of a child. Leaving, 
he promised to return the next Sunday 
to baptize the young converts by im¬ 
mersion. 

Sunday morning hundreds of people, 
black and white stood shivering upon 
the banks of the creek where baptismal 
services were to be held. By what 
means Satan had recaptured these souls 
none knew, but when Br’er Johnsing 
asked for the baptismal candidates to 
step forward, only one lone, lame darky 
responded. 

“Yer go home, yer , ” called Br’er 
Johnsing in disgust, “dewyerspose I’m 
goin’ tew git myself all wet for one darn 
old black niggah, hey ? ” 

Short Stories. 

An Interrupted Elopement. 

The chances are that a first-class 
elopement sensation was spoiled by a 
Lewiston policeman Sunday night. He 
was patroling one of the back streets 
when he noticed a white string swing¬ 
ing in the breeze from a second-story 
window. 

The window was open a crack, which 
created a suspicion in his mind. He 
pulled the string gently and in a mo¬ 


ment a head was stuck out of the win¬ 
dow. 

“Hist ! is that you? ” 

“ Yep, ” said the astonished police¬ 
man, smelling a rat very plainly. 

“Wait a few minutes now, ” she call¬ 
ed back in a whisper. While he waited 
a young man drove up with a team and 
asked what the officer was holding that 
string for. 

“I don’t know. Do you ?”asked the 
officer. 

Without replying, the fellow drove 
off, and at the same minute . the girl 
above slammed down the window. 


A Full Stock. 

A New York chemist was boasting, in 
company of friends, of his well-assorted 
stock in trade. “There isn’t a drug 
missing, ” he said, “not even one of the 
most uncommon sort. ” 

“Come, now !” said one of the bystan¬ 
ders, by way of a joke. “I bet that you 
don’t keep any spirit of contradiction 
well-stocked as you pretend to be. ” 
“Why not? ” replied the chemist, not 
in the least embarrassed at the unex¬ 
pected sally. “You shall see for your¬ 
self.” So saying he left the group 
and returned in a few minutes leading 
by the hand—his wife. 


He d Noticed It Too- 

“By George, ” said Smithers angrily, 
about a week after he had moved into 
the country, “every blessed thing I 
meet seems to have a bill for some¬ 
thing.” 

“Yes, ’ said little Johnny Smithers, 
“there was a rooster here this morning 
with a bill for corn. ”—Truth. 


The Man—Edison's a wonder,isn’t he? 
The Maid—I don’t think so ! You can’t 
turn his incandescent lights down low. 









NEW TRAVELERS’ YARNS. 


Mistook The Signal. 

A well-know engineer on a Texas 
railroad, who has a slight impediment 
in his speech, had an interview one day 
with his division superintendent, the 
nature of which gradually leaked out 
and became a source of considerable 
fun for the boys. The story goes that 
on a recent run his engine had a colli¬ 
sion with a cow, resulting disastrously 
to the animal in question. By a rule of 
the railroad company such accidents 
must be reported by the engineer and 
conductor in writing, and for some rea¬ 
son the engineer forgot his duty on 
this occasion, until he was summoned 
before the railroad magnate for private 
investigation. 

* ‘ M-/' said the superintendent, 

“how is it that you failed to report the 
killing- of a cow on your run of such a 
date ? ” 

“ I d-d-d-aon’t rember any s-s-such 
accident, ” replied the knight of the 
footboard, scratching his head thought¬ 
fully. 

“ Well, you certainly must have 
killed a cow on that run, for it was re¬ 
ported in due form by the conductor, 
insisted the superintendent. 

“ N-n-n-no. I d-d-didn’t, ” said the en¬ 
gineer. 

“Now, just think a little, and see if 
you can’t remember it, ” said the per¬ 
sistent interrogator. 

“No I c-ki-ki-cant remem-m-m-mem¬ 
ber ki-ki-killing any co-co-cow. I d-d-do 
remember stri-stri-striking one, b-b- 
but I looked out of the wi-wi-wi-window 
and saw her lying on her b-b-back by 
the side of the tra-c-k, moving her 
feet, ” motioning with his hand — “to 
go head, and I to-to-took it to mean that 
she w-w-w-was all right. 

He was warned not to be too sure of 
such signals in the future. 


61 


Servants In New York. 



Mr. Manhattan Beach —Why, Mary, you 
didn’t have your sealskin sacque on 
yesterday. What is the matter ? 

Servant Girl —I’ve sold it. 

Mr.Manhattan Beach — Sold it ! Good 
gracious, what caused you to do that ? 

Servant Girl —Well, they are becom¬ 
ing altogether too common; the missus 
has just bought herself one. 


Worse Than Jersey Lightning. 

Rather a fastidious young man that 
Beekman street barber who leaned over 
a customer whom he was shaving, and 
said : 

“ Excuse me, sir, but if I were you I 
wouldn’t drink Bowery whisky.” 

“ And why shouldn’d I if I want to ? ” 
said the man, wonderingly. 

“ Because, sir the smell of it takes all 
the edge off the razor, and when liquor 
does that I guess it can’t be healthy. ” 

It’s a queer man who vvould’nt lather 
feel his oats than his corns. 






















62 


NEW TRAVELERS’ YARNS. 


A Stranger s Mistake- 

A few days ago a western merchant 
who wanted to do some sight-seeing 
and buy his spring stock at the same 
time, entered a dry-goods jobbing house 
on Broadway, and accosted the first 
person he met with, “Are you the 
proprietor here ? ” 

“Not exactly the proprietor, ” was 
the reply. “At present I am acting as 
shipping clerk, but I am cutting my 
cards for a partnership next year by 
organizing noon prayer-meetings in the 
basement. ” 

The stranger passed on to a very im¬ 
portant personage with a diamond pin, 
and asked: Are you the head of the 
house ?” 

“ Well, no; I can’t say as I am at pre¬ 
sent, but I have hopes of a partnership 
in January. I’m only one of the travel¬ 
ers just now, but I am laying for a$20o 
pew in an up town church, and that 
will mean a quarter interest here in 
less than six months. ” 

The next man had his feet up, his hat 
back, and a twenty cent cigar in his 
mouth, and he looked so solid that the 
stranger said: 

“You must run this establishment.” 

“ Me ? Well, I may run it very soon. 
At present I am a book-keeper, but I’m 
expecting to get into a church choir 
with the old man’s darling, and become 
an equal partner here. ” 

The stranger was determined not to 
make another mistake. He walked 
around until he found a man with his 
coat off and busy with a case of goods, 
and he said to him: 

“The porters are kept pretty busy 
in here, I see. ” 

“Yes, ” was the reply. 

“But I suppose you are planning to 
invest in a gospel hymn-book and sing 
the old man out of an eight interest, 
aren’t you ?” 


“Well, no, not exactly, ”’ was the 
quiet reply. “I’m the old man him¬ 
self. ” 

And all that the stranger said, after a 
long minute spent in looking the mer¬ 
chant over, was: “Well, durn my but¬ 
tons. 


Why She Didn’t “ Holler. ” 

A young woman from the country 
was suing her ex-sweetheart for breach 
of promise and the lawyers were as 
usual making all sorts of inquisitive 
inquiries. 

“ You say, ” remarked one, “ that the 
defendant frequently sat very close to 
you ?” 

“Yes, sir, ” was the reply with a hec¬ 
tic flush. 

“ How close ? ” 

“Close enough, so’s one cheer was 
all the settin’ room we needed. ” 

“And you say he put his arm around 
you ?” 

“No I didn't. ” 

“ What did you say, then ? ” 

“ I said he put both arms around me. ” 
“Then what? ” 

“ He hugged me. ” 

“ Very hard ?” 

“ Yes, he did; so durn hard that I 
come purty near hollerin’ right out. ” 

“ Why didn’t you holler ? ” 

“ ’Cause. ” 

“That’s no reason. Be explicit, 
please. Because why ?’’ 

“ Cause I was afeered he’d stop. ” 
The Court fell off the bench, and had 
to be carried out and put under the 
hydrant for the purpose of resuscita¬ 
tion. 


“I presume you carry a memento of 
some sort in that locket of yours?” 

‘ 4 Precisely; it is a lock of my hus¬ 
band s hair.” 

“But your hushand is still alive. ” 
“Yes, sir; but his hair is. all gone. * 










NEW TRAVELERS’ YARNS. 


6 3 


An Explanation. 



Mrs. Gasaway— 'You say, doctor, that lockjaw is incurable, 
:>ut I read the other day that a case of lockjaw had actually 
been cured. 

Dr. Plaintork— Yes, Mrs. Gasaway, but the patient was a 
woman, and, of course, she couldn’t keep her mouth shut. 


Put Me OIF At Syracuse. 

“Now, see here, porter,” said he 
briskly, “I want you to put me off at 
Syracuse. You know we get in there 
about 6 o’clock in the morning, and I 
may oversleep myself. But it is import¬ 
ant that I should get out. Here s a five- 
dollar gold piece. Now, I may wake up 
hard, for I’ve been dining to-night and 
will probably feel rocky. Don’t mind if 
I kick. Pay no attention if I’m ugly. 1 
want you to put me off at Syracuse.” 

“Yes sail,” answered the sturdy Nu¬ 
bian, ramming the bright coin into his 
trousers pocket. “It shall be did, sah ! 

The next morning the coin-giver was 
awakened by a stentorian voice calling, 


Rural Simplic¬ 
ity. 

A drummer who 
had kissed a coun¬ 
try girl remarked, 
ecstatically :— 

“ How charming 
it is to press the 
lips of innocence 
for the first 
time !” 

“All you city fel¬ 
lows must have 
gone to the same 
school. Every 
mother’s son o f 
you says the same 
thing when he 
kisses me, ” she 
replied.—He took 
the train for the 
next jumping off 
place. 

Rochester! Thirty minutes foi le- 
fresliments ! ” 

“Rochester!” he exclaimed, sitting 
up. “ Where is that damn coon ?” 

Hastily slipping on his trousers, he 
went in search of the object of his wrath 
and found him in the porter’s closet, 
huddled up with his head in bandage, 
his clothes torn and his arm in a sling. 

“Well,” says the drummer, “you are 
a sight. Been in an accident? Why 
didn’t you put me off at Syracuse? 

“Wha-at!” ejaculated the porter 
jumping to his feet, as his eyes bulged 
from his head. “Was you de gen man 
what guf ter me a five-dollali gold piece? 

“ Of course I was, you idiot ? ” 

“Well den, befoah de Lawd, who was 
de gen’man I put off at Syracuse?” 




















64 


NEW TRAVELERS’ YARNS. 


In A Doubtful State. 



Mrs. Yerger —So ^ou are going to leave 
on the first ? 

Matilda Snowball —Yes, mum. 

Mrs. Yerger —Well, if vou can better 
yourself I'm glad of it. 

Matilda Snowball —I don’t think I will 
mum. Ise gwineter get married. 


How He Made The Sale- 

Agent: Can I sell you a card of pat¬ 
ent pants buttons ? 

Miss Ancient (indignantly): Sir, I 
am a single lady, and— 

Agent: Ah, madam, 1 can’t believe 
that a lady of your attractions could 
possibly be single. It’s a shrewd way 
of yours to get rid of me. 

Miss Ancient (simpering): I’ll take a 
dozen cards.—Judge. 


A Fight Against Fate- 

The bridal procession had barely 
entered the church before the groom 
turned and dealt every member of 
the party a swift kick. On the way 
down the aisle he yelled and yelped 
and would not be quieted. Barely 
had the pale and trembling minis¬ 
ter pronounced them man and wife 
ere he was pounced upon by the 
devil groom and severely pum¬ 
melled to an accompaniment of 
hair raising imprecations. That 
done the fellow stood on his head 
and then danced a can-can on the 
chancel railing, beating the scan¬ 
dalized ushers when they tried to 
stop him. At last a policeman came 
and arrested him. 

Battered but triumphant, he sat 
in his cell that night and talked to 
a reporter. 

“What did I do it for ? ” he asked. 
“Because of a vow, that’s why ! Ten 
years ago I swore that when my 
marriage came off I wouldn’t be the 
most insignificant, un-noticed man 
at the wedding, as grooms usually 
are, you know. And I wasn’t either, 
was I ? ” he chuckled. 


About the Garden of Eden. 

“ Papa, where was the Garden of 
Eden ? ” 

“Well, Maud, it is supposed to have 
been somewhere in Asia.” 

“I knew it couldn’t have been m 
O- egon.” 

“Why so?” 

“Well, Adam was made out of dust, 
wasn’t he?” 

“Yes.” 

“ Then, if he had been made in Ore¬ 
gon, his name wouldn’t have been Adam.” 

“ Why not ?” 

“Because it would have been ‘mud.’ 

“ Oh ! ’'—Philadelphia Press. 




















NEW TRAVELERS’ YARNS. 


He Was Not Joking. 



I 

will 


“Are you married or single? '* asked a New York justice of a 
prisoner. 

“I’m not married, but my wife is,” said ihe doomed man in a 
husky tone of voice. 

“ Now, if you get off any more jokes in this court room, I’ll 
lock you up for contempt of court.” 

“Why, judge, I ain’t joking, although I’m a little tight. I 
was married and I got a divorce. My wife married again, but I 
didn’t. I know when I’ve got enough of matrimony, although I 
may take too much whisky, so you see I’m not married, but 
my wife is. You don’t catch me joking on any such serious 
subject as matrimony.” 


“Then 
think you 
do.” 

Boy: Thank 

you, sir. By the 
way, is your 
house built on a 
clay soil? 

’Squire: Well, 
it happens that 
it is. But what 
has that to do 
with it ? 

“Well, 
thought 
would like 
to fill up 
spare time 


I 

you 
me 
m y 
by 


making bricks.” 


His Qualifications, 

I am reminded of the little boy who 

applied for a job at a ’squire’s house, 
where he could earn five shillings a 
week by making himself useful. 

Squire: Can you clean silver ? 

Boy: Yes, sir.” 

“ Can you cook, and light fires, and 
sing, and dust old china, and make 
beds?” 

“Oh, yes, sir.” 

“Can you mend electric bells, and do 
plumbing and gasfitting, teach modern 
and ancient languages, geography, and 
the use of the globes ? ” 

“I can, and also do anything else that 

is required.” 


A good story 
is told on John 
D. Spreckles. 
He and Johnny 
Rosenfeld, it is 
said were en¬ 
gaged in a wheat 
transaction. Spreckles had agreed to 
buy a cargo of wheat from Rosenfeld, 
and offered him 75 cents a cental for it; 
Rosenfeld asked $1.25 for it. The dif¬ 
ference in price was several thousand 
dollars. They could make no agree¬ 
ment, and finally Spreckles said: “Well, 
let’s shake for it.” 

“Agreed,” said Rosenfeld. 

They shook dice at the Palace bar and 
Spreckles won. 

“ Now, lets shake for a drink,” said 
Rosenfeld- When the ivories stopped 
rolling, Rosenfeld had won the drinks, 
whereat he was jubilant. Spreckles 
bemoaned his hard luck. 

“Well, what are you complaining 
about?” said Rosenfeld. “You won 
several thousands on wheat, and now 
you are kicking about a drink.” 

“Ah, but this is different, my boy,’* 
said Spreckles. “The wheat ^ was in 
futures, but the drink.is cash.” 


























66 


NEW TRAVELERS’ YARNS. 


A Good Shot- 

A good story is told of the late Gener¬ 
al Crook, who made almost as great a 
reputation as a sportsman as he did as 
an Indian fighter. 

While visiting with a party of friends 
among the Minnesota Lakes, he spent 
the greater part of his time in hunting 
and fishing. On one of these trips a 
certain member ot the party, whose 
diminutive stature permitted some 
things which the larger men could not 
enjoy, carried with him a very light 
tenfoot folding canvas boat. The 
others ridiculed this outfit, but the 
boat worked well for fishing, and its 
owner certainly had the best of the ar¬ 
gument until the ducks began to fly. 

When the little sportsman proposed 
to shoot ducks from his “unarmored 
cruiser 1 ’ as the General was pleased to 
call it, there was a general laugh at his 
expense and finally the officer declared 
that it was absolutely unsafe to make 
such an attempt. 

“ I’ll bet you ten dollars,” said Crook, 
after arguing for some time with his 
persistent companion, “that you can’t 
shoot out of that thing.*’ 

“Done,” said the other, and each 
paddled off to a different blind among 
the tall reeds. 

Ten minutes later a pair of mallards 
circled over the party and each of the 
others let them go by until they 
reached the blind of the little man at 
the end of the line. 

In his excitement, however, the oc¬ 
cupant of the canvas canoe suddenly 
raised himself upon his knees and lev¬ 
eled his gun at the foremost bird. Even 
before he could pull the trigger he had 
lost his balance, and over he went— 
head, heels, gun and even the canoe on 
top of him. It was shallow water and 
they soon fished him out, but for the 


remainder of the morning he shot from 
a shore blind. 

No mention was made of the wager 
until the entire party had gathered 
about the camp fire that night, when 
General Crook laughingly declared that 
that was the “easiest ten dollars he had 
ever won.” 

“On the contrary, my dear General,” 
said the little fellow, “ I was rather con- i 
gri tulating myself on having some sat¬ 
isfaction for the humiliating ducking 
I got to-day.” 

“ How do you make that out? ” asked 
Crook, “you certainly did not fire a 
shot from that boat of yours.” 

“I don’t deny that,” returned the 
other with a triumphant smile, “but 
I’ll bet another ten dollars that there is 
not a man here who will dispute the 
fact that I shot out of that canoe and 
shot out head first, too.” 

The little man had succeeded in turn¬ 
ing the laugh from himself, and the ten 
dollars were promptly passed over by 
the General, and as promptly spent in 
wine, with which the silence of the rest 
of the party was purchased.—Short 
Stories 


Excise Item. 

“What do you think of the state¬ 
ment that there are three hundred 
haunted houses in New York ? ” asked 
Mr. Knickerbocker. 

“ Oh,” replied Jones, “ that only ghost 
to show how plentiful spirits are here.” 


Important Information. 

A professor in the medical depart¬ 
ment of Columbia College asked one of 
the more advanced students. 

“What is the name of teeth that a 
human being gets last ? ” 

‘ ‘ False teeth, of course. ” 







NEW TRAVELERS’ YARNS. 


6 7 


The Green-Eyed Monster. 



Two servant girls, who are out of em¬ 
ployment, meet in the Park and ex¬ 
change experiences. 

First Servant—I had to leave because 
the lady of the house became jealous of 
the attentions paid me by her husband. 

Second Servant —That wasn’t the case 
where I was employed. I had to leave 
because the feller to whom I was en¬ 
gaged was jealous of the attentions I 
showed the husband of the lady of the 
house. 


Did It For His Health- 

An old darkey was leading an old 
tough-looking mule along Austin ave¬ 
nue, when a slouchy looking man on the 

sidewalk hailed him. 

“Say, there, where you goin with 

that mule ? ” 

“ Jes down de road a bit.’ 

“ Is that a good mule?” 

“ Yas sir.” 

“Wanter sell him?” 

“Imout.’’ 

“ Well now, see here, uncle. Maybe 


I can make a dicker with you. Hold on 
a minute.” 

The slouchy man walked out to the 
mule and looked at his teeth, got the 
old darkey to trot him up and down, 
and looked the animal all over. The 
sweat rolled off the old darkey from the 
exertion of showing off the animal. 

u Well, now dat yo* seen what dat 
mule are, does yer want ter buy him?” 

“ No, I guess not. I had some time 
to spare and I thought I’d just like to 
see you and the old mule cavort a little; 
it’s good for your health.” 

The crowd that had gathered around 
laughed, and the old darkey turned to 
resume his interrupted journey, but 
he suddenly turned. 

“Say, boss, does yer know anyfing 
erbout docterin’ er mule ? ” 

“Do I ? Well I should say so. There 
ain’t a man in this hull county kin doc¬ 
tor a hoss or a mule as I kin. I know 
every wrinkle about ’em,” said the 
slouchy man. 

“Den will yer jes feel on de inside of 
dat mule’s off behine leg. Dare’s a 
lump dare dat yerself am jest de man 
ter tell me what to do fer hit.” 

The slouchy man walked up and put 
his hand on the mule’s leg. The next 
minute he was rolling over and over like 
a keg of nails. He rolled twenty-five 
feet before the curbstone stopped him. 

“ What did you tell me to do that for, 
you old black rascal,” he sputtered, 
when he got the sand out of his mouth. 

“Oh, dat’s all right; dare ain’t noth¬ 
in de matter wid de mule. I jes want¬ 
ed ter see yer cavort er little; it’s good 
foah yo’ health,” and while the crowd 
shouted the old man drove off. 


Some people who- are in the social 
swim find it difficult to keep their heads 
above water. 

















NEW TRAVELERS’ YARNS. 


A Startling Pulpit Announcement, 

A clergyman was very anxious to in¬ 
troduce some hymn books into the 
church, and arranged with his clerk 
that the latter was to give out the no¬ 
tice immediately after the sermon. 
The clerk, however, had. a notice of his 
own to give out with reference to the 
baptism of infants. Accordingly, at the 
close of the sermon he arose and an¬ 
nounced: 

“ All those who have children whom 
they wish to have baptized please send 
their names at once to the clerk.” 

The clergyman, who was stone deaf, 
assumed that the clerk was giving out 
the hymn-book notice, and immediate¬ 
ly arose and said: 

“And I should say, for the benefit of 
those who haven’t any, that they may 
be obtained at the vestry any day from 
three to four o’clock; the ordinary little 
ones at one dollar each, and special ones 
with red backs at one dollar and fifty 
cents.” 


Nothing in Life For Him. 

“ Your honor,” said a prosecuting at¬ 
torney in an Alabama backwoods court, 
“the prisoner at the bar is charged 
with killing one of the most exemplary 
citizens of this county. Andrew D. 
Boyssn, your honor, was in every re¬ 
spect a model man. He was a beloved 
member of the church and was never 
known to be guilty of an unchristian 
act. Why, your honor, he was never 
known to bet on horses, play poker, 
drink whisky or use tobacco. He ”— 

“ Hold on a minute,” the judge broke 
in; “you say he didn't bet on horses?” 

“That’s what I say, your honor.” 

“And he didn’t play poker?” 

“ Never was known to play a game.” 

“And he never drank liquor?” 

“Never drank a drop, your honor.” 


“And he didn’t chew tobacco?” 

“Never took a chew in his life.” 

“Well, then,” said the judge, leaning 
back with a sigh, “ I don’t see what he 
wanted to live for. There wa’n’t any¬ 
thing in life fpr him, and I don’t see 
why he ain’t about as well off dead as 
alive. Release the prisoner, Mr. Sheriff, 
and call the next case. ” 


A Careful Westerner. 



New York hotel clerk (to Western 
man)—Ain’t you and your wife from 
Chicago ? 

Western Man —Yes, but I don’t regis¬ 
ter that way. We don’t want folks to 
say we ain’t married, so I just register' 
as if I was from Philadelphia. 


Excited Eady (on the beach)—“ Why 
isn’t something done for that ship in 

distress? Why don’t some of you-” 

Coast Guard (hurriedly)—“We have 
sent the crew a line to come ashore, 
mum.” 

Excited Lady—“Good gracious ! 
Were they waiting for a formal invita¬ 
tion ? ” 














NEW TRAVELERS’ YARNS. 


69 


Success upon the Road 

A young man who was promoted 
from salesman to traveling-man or 
<h drummer,” went forth with all the 
enthusiasm and freshness of a “new 
broom bent upon giving the old hand 
a few pointers on the royal road to suc¬ 
cess. After many days he returned, 
apparently very happy and much elated 
with his efforts. The head of the firm 
asked him what kind of success he had. 

“Immense ! immense ! !” said he. 

“Did you take any orders?’ asked 
his employer. 

“No!” replied the young “mission- 

ary. 

“Well!” said the boss, “I can t see 
where the success comes in.” 

“ Great scott,” exclaimed the young¬ 
ster “I’ve only been out four weeks, 
and look at the album I’ve secured ; the 


photographs of thirty different women, 
with their names and addresses, and 
all ‘ beauts’ too !” 


Conundrums. 

To what length may a widow go when 
she desires a new parent for her chil¬ 
dren? She may go one step-father. 

Why is an industrious tailor never at 
home? Because be is always cutting 
out. 

A slip of the pen.—A runaway pig. 

Why is a tear shed in secret like a 
vessel of war ? Because it is a private 
tear. 

Why is a situation of great trust like 
a back tooth ? Because it is hard to fill. 

When is a lover like a vulture? 
When he has an attachment to carrion 
(carry on). 


Quite Another Thing. 



•‘Hole on, dar,” said a colored man, 
cross der street ebery time yer sees me 
“ No, 1 doesn’t.” 

“ What den ?” 

“Ter keep from bein’ axed fur 1 . 


hailing an acquaintance. “Does yer 
ter keep from payin’ dat bill?” 























7 o 


\ T EW TRAVELERS’ YARNS. 


Sufficient. 


Hint to Landlord. 


“What are you doing, 
Freddie?” said the 
painfully smart boy’s 
uncle. 



/ 


/ 


/ 


“ Drawin ’ pictures 
on my slate.” 

“What is this sup¬ 
posed to represent ? ” 
“A locomotive.” 

“ But why don’t you 
draw cars? ” 

“Wli y—er— the lo¬ 
comotive draws the 
ears!”—W as hington 
Star. 


No Novelty In It- 

“Do you expect to 
climb the Alps while 
you are abroad ? ” 

“Oh, I hardly think 
it neccessary. I live 
on the top floor of a 
flat building you 
know.” 


“That's about the 
most hopelessly foolish 
achievement of my ex¬ 
istence,” he moaned. 

“What have you 
done ?” asked his wife. 

“Lent an umbrella.” 

“I thought you knew 
better. ” 

“It’s worse than that. 
I lent it to its original 
owner. ” 



Would-Be Tenant —I like the flat very much, but I hear that the house is haunted. 


Landlord (rubbing his hands and smiling)—My dear Madam, I attend to that 
personally. The ghost only appears to tenants who do not pay their rent and 


refuse to move out. 


A Hint- 

Ethel—“George, you remind me of 
an hour glass.” 

George—“In what respect?” 

Ethel—“The more time given you, 
the less sand you seem to have.” 


“ I had soup in a restaurant the other 
day and found an oyster in it.” 

“Great Scott! That one oyster in 
the soup joke is old.” 

“Yes, but this was tomato soap.” 











































































NEW TRAVELERS’ YARNS. 


7i 


A Great Mistake. 



Wife _Charles, I wish you would let me have five cents to 

put in the plate on Sunday. 

Husband (feeling in his pocket)—Humph ! I thought sal¬ 
vation was free. 


Learned his Fut¬ 
ure Wife’s Name- 

“ He was a chatty 
kind of conjurer,” 
says London Tid- 
Bits, and was anx¬ 
ious to open the 
evening’s entertain¬ 
ment merrily. So 
he stepped forward 
to the front of the 
stage and said: 
“Ladies and gentle¬ 
men, if there is in 
this audience any 
young man who 
would like to know 
the name of his fut¬ 
ure wife, if that 
young man will 
kindly stand up I 
will undertake to 
tell him, and this is 
no guessing com- 
p e t i t i o n. Now, 
will any single 
young man kindly 
stand up?” 

Up jumped a 


A Sadly Sinful World- 

Housekeeper —Was it the hard times 
that threw you out of work ? 

Mouldy Mike—No, mum; it was the 
wickedness of the people, mum. 1 
used to earn ten dollars a week an 
travelin’ expenses, hut the sinful world 
has lost all interest in th’ cause I was 
a helpin’, mum. 

Housekeeper—What cause ? 

Mouldy Mike—The glorious cause ot 

temper ance, mum. 

Housekeeper—Goodness ! W ere yo 
a temperance lecturer ? 

Mouldy Mike—No, mum; I was the 
“horrible example ! ” 


young man. 

“Thank you,” said the conjurer. 
<• Now, do you wish to know the name 
of your future wife?” “I do,” said the 
young man. 

“Well,” said the man of magic. “I 
always like to do things in a proper 
business fashion. Will you kindly give 
me your name ? ” 

“Yes, certainly ” said the young man, 
“ my name is James Jackson. 

“Thank you,” replied the conjurer; 
“then the name of your future wife 
will be Mrs. Jackson.” 





























72 


NEW TRAVELERS’ YARNS. 


An Unpatriotic Contraband- 

One of the funniest stories of the 
war was related by Mr. Lincoln as fol¬ 
lows: 

Upon the hurricane-deck of one of 
our gunboats an elderly darkey, with a 
very philosophical and retrospective 
cast of countenance, squatted upon his 
bundle, toasting his shins against the 
chimney, and apparently plunged into 
a state of profound meditation, Find¬ 
ing upon inquiry that he belonged to 
the Ninth Illinois, one of the most gal¬ 
lantly behaved and heavy losing regi¬ 
ments at the Fort Donelson battle, and 
part of which was aboard, I began to in¬ 
terrogate him upon the subject: 

“Were you in the fight? ” I asked. 

“ Had a little taste of it, sah.” 

“ Stood your ground, did you ? ” 

“No, sah, I runs.” 

“ Run at the first fire, did you ? ” 

“ Yes, sah, and would hab run soonah, 
had I known it war comin.” 

“Why, that wasn’t very creditable to 
your courage.’’ 

“Dat isn’t my line, sah—cookin’s my 
profession.” 

“Well, but have you no regard for 
yonv reputation ? ” 

“Reputation’s nuffin to me by de side 
ob life.” 

“Do you consider your life worth 
more than other people’s ? ” 

“It’s worth more to me, sah.” 

“Then you must value it very high- 
ly?” 

“Yes, sah, I does, more dan all dis 
wold, more dan a million ob dollars, sah, 
for what would dat be wuth to a man 
wif de bref out ob him ? Self-preserba- 
tion am de fust law wid me.” 

“ But why should you act upon a dif¬ 
ferent rule from other men?” 

“Because different men set different 
values upon their lives; mine is not in 
de market.” 


“ But if you lost it, you would have 
the satisfaction of knowing that you 
died for your country.” 

“ What satisfaction is dat to me, when 
de power ob feeling is gone? ’’ 

“Then patriotism and honor are 
nothing to you ? ” 

“ Nuffin, sah—I regard them as among 
the vanities.” 

“ If our soldiers were like you trait¬ 
ors might have broken up the govern¬ 
ment without resistance.” 

“Yes, sah, dar would hab been no 
help for it. I wouldn’t put my life in 
the scale ’gainst any gobernment dat 
eber existed, for no gobernment could 
replace the loss to me. ” 

“ Do you think any of your company 
would have missed you if you had been 
killed ? ” 

“ Mabe not, sah—a dead white man 
ain’t much to dese sogers, let alone a 
nigga; but I’d a missed myself, and dat 
was de pint wid me.” Short Stories. 


Military Intelligence- 

The German soldiers receive instruc¬ 
tion in regard to their duties and obli¬ 
gations. A captain, in order to test the 
knowledge of a soldier, asked him: 

“ What is it that the soldier enjoys in 
time of peace ? ” 

‘ Sauerkraut, sausage, and ”-re¬ 

plied the soldier, touching his cap. 

“Yes that’s all so, but what else does 

4 

he enjoy in time of peace? ” 

“Beer, Schweitzer coeese, and more 
beer, and ’’- 

“Blockhead, don’t you know that be¬ 
sides all these delicacies, in times of 
peace the soldier enjoys the good will 
of his superior officer, and the respect 
of persons in civil life ? ” 








NEW TRAVELERS’ YARNS. 


73 


A Puzzled Widower. 



Jones—I want to ask you a ques¬ 
tion. 

Smith— All right ask away. 

jo NE s—I’m thinking of getting mar¬ 
ried again. Now you have been mar¬ 
ried three times ; tell me which wife 
you liked the most? 

Smith— You bite three sour apples, 
one after another, and then tell me 
which is the sweetest. 


Why He Gave Up Betting. 

A game of billiards was attracting 
considerable interest in a provincial 
hotel. Grouped about were a num¬ 
ber of spectators watching the pro¬ 
gress of the game. 

“I'll bet you a five-pound note 
that Blenks wins,” remarked an old- 
timer to a new comer. 

“No, I think not,” was the answer. 

“I'll bet you twenty pounds to 
five pounds that the game is his.” 

I think not,” repeated the 
new comer, dissenting. 

“I’ll bet you fifty pounds to one 


pound, then,” was the emphatic retort. 
“Will you take that ?” 

“Very sorry,” replied the stranger. 
“ but I never bet.” 

“Perhaps you’ve signed the pledge, 
given up smoking and are never going 
to enjoy yourself in any other form? 
suggested the old-timer, with a grunt. 

“Oh, no,” was the answer. “I have 
simply sworn off betting. A month ago 
I bet two pounds that I could get a bil¬ 
liard ball into my mouth.” 

“Lost your bet, of course; any fool 
would.” 

“Oh, no. I won the bet, but it cost 
me three pounds to have my front 
teeth extracted to get the ball out. 
Since then 1 have given up betting. ’— 
London Answers. 


A Valuable Timepiece. 



Miss Snowball —What's yer keep movin' 
yerself from one side ter de oder for 
daterway? Done lost yer senses ? 

Sam Johnson —I bought a watch at Mose 
Schaumburg’s pawnbroker shop for a 
dollar and a half, and if I don t move from 
one side ter de oder all de time de watch 
stops running. 




























74 


JEW TRAVELERS’ YARNS. 


Education No Good. 

Sam Johnson, of Austin, was heard 
calling across the garden fence to his 
neighbor’s son, a colored youth, who 
goes to the Colored University. 

“ Look hyar, boy, yer goes to the uny- 
varsity, don’t yer?” 

‘/Yes, sir.” 

“Gettin’ eddycashun, ain’t yer?” 

‘‘Yes, sir. ” 

“Study joggerfy and know how to 
bound ? ” 

“Yes, sir.” 

“ Learn in’ ’rithmatick and figgerin’ on 
a slate, eh ? ” 

“Yes, sir. ’’ 

“Wall, it don’t take two whole days to 
make an hour, do it ? ” 

“Of course not. ” 

“You wasgwine ter brungdat hatchet 
back in an hour, wasn’t yer? ” 

“Yes, sir. ” 

“An’it’s been two hull days since 
you borrow hit. Now what good’s eddy¬ 
cashun gwine ter do you thick skulled 
niggrrs‘ when yer goes to school a hull 
year an’ den can’t tell how long it takes 
to fetch back a hatchet ? ” 

The boy got mad and slung the hatch¬ 
et over the fence and half way through 
the ash barrel. 


The Man He Was Looking For. 

The general superintendent of a great 
railroad was sitting in his office, when a 
well-dressed man entered, and the fol¬ 
lowing conversation ensued: 

“Is this the superintendent?” 

“Yes. ” 

“Glad to see you, sir. My name is 
Balkers, and I want a job. ” 

“Want a position as conductor of a 
passenger train ? ” 

“Yes. ” 

“ Do you understand your busines ? ’ 

“Try me once. ” 


“ I suppose you would turn in every 
cent that belonged to the company?” 

“ No, sir; but I’d whack up. *' 

“How much would you take per day?” 
“Owing to buisness. ” 

“You’d always make it a point to 
bring in some little money, wouldn’t 
you ? ” 

“Well, I’d help myself first, and 
then 

“Hold on, I want you. You have told 
me the first truth that I have heard for 
years. Can you start right in ? ” 


Prom a Recent Novel. 



“ There he would sit for hours, pon¬ 
dering, holding his head in his hands. ” 
—New York Journal. 


A Remarkable Cure. 

There was a young miss who was dumb. 
No speech from her lips did e'er cumb. 
Till she married a wight 
Who stayed out at night, 

Then her larynx no longer was numb. 


“ My boy, ” said the musician to his 
son, “don’t be too sharp nor yet too 
flat. Just be natural. ” 












NEW TRAVELERS’ YARNS. 


75 


Theatrical Note. 



Judge Duffy —It is useless for you to say 
that you are innocent. You were 
caught in the act of pulling a silk hand¬ 
kerchief out of the packet of a gentle¬ 
man in front of you. 

Prisoner —But, Your Honor, the piece 
that was being played on the stage was 
so sad that I was obliged to take the 
handkerchief to stanch my tears. I had 
no intention of stealing the handker¬ 
chief. I intended to return it as soon 
as the play was over. 

“Was the piece a comedy ? ” 

“It was, Your Honor.” 

“An American comedy ? ’ 

It was, Your Honor.” 

“No wonder you needed a handker¬ 
chief. You are discharged.” 


He Was The Big Party Himself 

A story is told of a gentleman prom¬ 
inently connected with one of the big 
foundries in Pittsburg. The gentle¬ 
man in question is an unusually large 
man very tall and far around. Find¬ 
ing himself caught in a little town 
about twenty-five miles from Pittsburg 


one night, with no train going to the 
city, and being very anxious to reach 
there at n o’clock he wired to an ex¬ 
press down the track to stop for him. 

“We stop for officials only,” came the 
answer. 

Quick as a flash went the second tel¬ 
egram. 

“Will you stop for a large party?” 

“Yes,” was the reply, and the long 
express slowed up and stopped when 
it reached the little town, and the gen¬ 
tleman complacently stepped aboard. 

“Where is the large party?” inquired 
the conductor, with wide open, aston¬ 
ished eyes as he gazed about the empty 
depot. 

“Ain't I large enough ?” chuckled the 
delighted new passenger. 

The conductor glared, and then burst 
into a hearty laugh as the fitness of the 
application burst upon him. 


Connecticut Hotel Rules. 

The following set of rules and gen¬ 
eral notices is posted in a hotel in a 
small Connecticut town: 

Rules for Hotel Guests. 

Board $50 per week—meals extra. 

Breakfast at five, dinner at six, supper 
at seven. 

Guests are requested not to speak to 
the dumb-waiter. 

Guest wishing to get up without be¬ 
ing called can have self-raising flour for 
supper. 

The hotel is surrounded by a beauti¬ 
ful cemetery. Hearses to hire 25 cents 
a day. 

If the room gets too warm open the 
window and see the fire escape. 

If you are fond of athletics and like 
good jumping, lift the mattress and 
.see the bed spring. 

Don’t worry about paying your bill— 
the house is supportedby a foundation. 


























76 


NEW TRAVELERS’ YARNS. 


Tradition still gives us many frag¬ 
ments of Lincoln’s dry humor. The 
following, related by one of his person¬ 
al friends, Solicitor of the Treasury 
under his administration, are among 
his quaint speeches: 

Robert Lincoln, upon one occasion, 
was invited to a dinner, at which many 
eminent men were to be present, 
among them Henry Wadsworth Long¬ 
fellow. 

“Do you think you’ll go, my son?” 
inquired his father. 

Young Robert thought he would. 

“Very well, then,” replied Lincoln, 
deliberately, “go! But if you’re able 
to maintain a respectable conversation 
with those learned gentlemen you’ll do 
more than your father was ever able to 
accomplish.” 

Two gentlemen, prominent in Wash¬ 
ington circles, were present at the 
same gathering with Mr. Lincoln. 
Noticing him, as he talked with a dis¬ 
tant group, they remarked on his great 
height. 

“Mr. Lincoln,’ said one, as he ap¬ 
proached them, “I believe you’re the 
tallest man I have ever seen.’ 

“Oh, no ! ” replied Lincoln, with his 
solemn smile, “I’mshort! Why, there’s 
‘Long John Wentworth,’ of Chicago, 
could lick salt off the top of my head.” 

Catharine Young Glen. 


His Head. 

This anecdote from the Youth’s Com¬ 
panion seems to me very amusing: 

A passenger on a Cunard steamship 
had an experience which led her to be¬ 
lieve that a seaman is not apt to waste 
many thoughts on his personal 
troubles. 

The sailor who brought her to this 
opinion had a fall which resulted in a 
bad cut on the head, the second day 


out. She was solicitous in her inquiries 
as to his welfare when she saw the 
captain that night, and would undoubt¬ 
edly have continued her sympathy had 
not a rough sea called to mind her own 
sufferings. 

Four days later, when she emerged, 
white and weak, from her stateroom, 
she suddenly remembered the poor 
sailor. In the course of the day she 
saw him, with a strip of plaster on his 
forehead. 

“How is your head?” she asked, 
kindly, as he passed by her bent on 
some duty. 

“ West by south, ma’am,” was the re¬ 
ply, delivered with respectful but hasty 
clearness, and he was gone. 

Alice Hawkins. 


The Facts In The Case. 

There was trouble of some kind re¬ 
ported on Desplaines street the other 
night, and the editor told the new re¬ 
porter to go over and get the details. 
He got them, as may be seen from his 
account of the affair, which was as fol¬ 
lows:— 

“A man killed a dog belonging to an¬ 
other man. The son of the man whose 
dog was killed proceeded to whip the 
man who killed the dog of the man he 
was the son of. The man who was the 
son of the man whose dog was killed 
was arrested on complaint of the man 
who was assaulted by the son of the 
man whose dog the man who was as¬ 
saulted had been killed.” 


Chivalrous- 

The Jay—What makes you such a 
liar? Don’t you know that truth is 
mighty and will prevail ? 

The Josh—Well, I always was one to 
help the under dog. 








NEW TRAVELERS’ YARNS. 


77 


Veil, Dot Ish So- 



It was in the smoking-room of an Atlantic steamer that a worthy Teuton was 

recently talking about weather forecasts. , . i_ 

“ Look here,” said he, “1 dell you vat it is. You petter dont dake no shtock 
in dem wedder predictions. Dose beople dont know nodmgs. Dey cant dell 

LTsir,” said a person present, -they foretold the storm which we 

ha -Velfdatlsh^o/sid the Teuton, contemplatively, “but I dell you vat it is, 
dat sshtorm vould have come yust de same if it had not been bredmted. 


Didn’t Frighten Her- 

A little girl sat gazing fixedly at the 
new bonnet of one of her mother’s visi¬ 
tors, until the caller smilingly asked: 

< 1 Do you like it, my dear ? 

“Yes. I do. Mamma and Aunt Milly 
said it was a perfect fright, but it 
doesn't frighten me a bit.” 


A Valuable Formula- 

Pemberton —I’d like to know some 
way of asking a father for his daughter, 
so that I wouldn’t feel badly in any 
event. 

Remsen—Do as I did: ask him to give 
you the refusal of her. 








78 


NEW TRAVELERS’ YARNS. 


So Appropriate- 

John Thomas Simkinson knew 
that he was the accepted lover 
of Mary Elizabeth Prendergast. 

“ My own darling ! ” he ex' 
claimed, rapturously, as he im¬ 
pressed a kiss upon her lips, 
warmly, yet cautiously, as 
though he feared rebuke. 

She rebuked him not, and he 
kissed her again. She seemed 
to like it. 

“What shall I call you, love?” 
he asked. 

“Call me?” she replied, 
queryingly. 

“ Yes ! Don’t engaged people 
have pet names for each other— 
‘Peaches and cream’, or ‘ Tootsy- 
Wootsey’, or some such name?” 

“Oh, I see what you mean,” 
the maiden replied; suppose 
you call me ‘ Delusion ? 9 ” 

“‘ Delusion?’” echoed the 
young man. ‘ ‘ What is the 
meaning of that ? Is it that we 
are to find our love nothing but 
a delusion ?” he demanded stern- 

!y- 

“ Not at all.” 

“ Then why do you select that 
name ?” 

“ Why, John Thomas—because 
—I understand that men love to 
—to hug—a delusion.” 

Then Mr. Simkinson took the 
happy girl in his arms, and was 
assured of the correctness of 
her understanding. 


A Sharp Barber- 



his debts. He is also in the habit of getting 
shaved on the credit system. Yesterday, he 
was in the barber shop getting shaved, but 
somehow he did not enjoy it very much, for 
his chin was bleeding in several places. 

“ What in the Hades is the matter with 
that razor ? I reckon it has not been sharp¬ 
ened in an age,” said Gus. 

“ I dunno what’s de matter wid de razor, 
sail. I always shaves you wid the same razor, 
and I sharpened dis heah razor on de berry 
same day you paid me for de last shave, and 
jest as soon as you makes annuder payment, 
I’ll sharpen if up some moah,” replied the 
tonsorial artist. 


A Hard Question 

“Mamma,” said Johnnie, “can any¬ 
body hear with their mouth ? ” 

“No, child, I don’t think they can,” 
replied the mother. 

“Then, mamma, what made Mr. 
Jones tell sister he wanted to tell her 
something, and put his lips to her 
mouth, instead of her ears? ” 

The mother didn’t question Johnnie, 
but turned her attention to Mr. Jones, 
but that worthy gentleman made it all 
right by proper explanations. 


The man who works himself to 
death trying to accumulate a fortune 
only acquires a funeral pile. 


One man always admires another 
who says the right thing in the right 
place—especially if he is thirsty. 


Necessity may know no law, but it is 
useless to appeal from her decree. 

























NEW TRAVELERS’ YARNS. 


79 


Georga Washingdone. 

Georg a Washinedone vos a veragooda 
ma i. His fadda he keepa bigga place 
in Washingdone Street. He hada greata 
bigga lot planta wees cherra, peacha, 
pluma, chestnutta, peanutta. an’ ba- 
nan trees. He sella to mena keepa de 
standa. Gooda mana to Italia mana vos 
GeorgaWashingdone. Heliatade Irish. 
Kicka demvay lika dees. 

One tay wen litta Georga, his son, vos 
dessa high, lika de hoppagrass, he taka 
hees litta hatchet an’ hebeginna to fool 
around de place. He vos vera fresh, 
vos litta Georga. Poota soon he cutta 
dowua de cheera tree lika dees. Dat 
spoila de cherra cropa for de season. 
Den he goa round trea killa de Danan 
an’ de peanutta. 

Poota soon Georga’s fadda coma 
rounda quicka lika dees. Den he lifta 
uppa hees fista looka lika big bunch a 
banan, an’ he vos just goin’ to giva litta 
Georga de smacka de snoota if he tolda 
lie. Hees eyes blaze lika dees. 

Litta Georga he say in hees minda, 
“Igitta puncha anyhow, so I tella de 
square ting. ** So he holda up hees litta 
handa lika dees, an he calla “Tima !” 

Den he says, “Fadda, I cutta de cherra 
tree weesa mia own litta hatchet.” 

Hees fadda he say, “Coma to de barn 
weesa me. Litta Georga, I wanta speeka 
wees you.” 

Den hees fadda cutta big club, and he 
spiltahis handa, lika dees. 

Litta Georga say, “Fadda, I could 
notta tella de lie because I knowa you 
caughta me deada to rights.” 

Den de olda man he smila like dees, 
an’ he tooka litta Georga righta down to 
Wall Street an’ mad^ him a present of 
de United States. 

She Demurred. 

Rev. Caller— Excuse me, Mrs. Flint, 


but I am seeking information for an 
obituary sermon on the life of a good 
brother—the late Mr. Brimmer. You 
knew him well, Ihey tell me? 

Mrs. Flint—Knew him ? I should 
scream ! He was my first husband till 
I got a divorce from him. Don’t see 
why you call him the “late” Mr. Brim¬ 
mer for. He was so chronic in his 
earliness that if he ever got home be¬ 
fore 2 a. m. it would shock me.—Boston 
Courier. 


A Lucky Woman- 



Prospective father-in-law— And you 
love my daughter ? 

Son-in-law —Yes, devotedly. 

“ And I suppose you want to marry 
her ? ” 

“Undoubtedly I do.’* 

“ But she is my only child. Her fut- 
ture welfare is my greatest anxiety. 
My own prospects for leaving her well 
provided for are not bright, and I can¬ 
not part with her unless I know to a 
well grounded certainty that the dear 
child will never come to want. Who 
are you and what are you ? ” 

“ I am a New York hotel clerk.” 
“What! Oh, joy! Take her and be 
happy ! I built a little high, to be sure, 
but never looked for a streak of luck 

like this.” 


















8o 


NEW TRAVELERS’ YARNS. 


Heroism Appreciated, 

“Bill Arp” (Chas. H. Smith), the 
Southern, humorist, was an officer in 
the Confederate army, and a brave one 
too. But he is as modest as he was 
brave, and nothing disgusts him more 
than braggadocio. 

One day at a reunion of Confederate 
veterans at which Bill was present, a 
pompous colonel told, at some length 
and with a great deal of swagger, of his 
own heroism in being the last man to 
carry a Confederate flag through a cer¬ 
tain town. When he had finished, Bill 
solemnly remarked : 

“I can corroborate our comrade’s 
statement, as I was a witness of the 
events he has just narrated.” 

“Sir,” exclaimed the colonel, beam¬ 
ing all over with gratification, “I am 
unable to express the pleasure it gives 
me to find in our midst one who has 
seen and appreciated that act of which 
I am so justly proud.” 

“Yes, gentlemen,” Bill went on, “I 
was present on the occasion, and saw 
Colonel A-at the head of his com¬ 

mand, carrying the flag to which he has 
referred, but Sheridan’s cavalry was 
just behind him, and he was carrying 
the thing so blamed fast that you 
couldn’t tell whether it was a Confed¬ 
erate flag or a smallpox signal.” 


Master of the Situation. 

In the days of slavery Abram was a 
great favorite with his master, whom 
he had served as a valet from his youth. 
At his master’s death, his mistress 
granted him many privileges, and at 
the period of emancipation he resisted 
every temptation to leave the old plan¬ 
tation. In the exercise of his privi¬ 
leges, he became obnoxious to the 
other negroes and their frequent com¬ 


plaints excited remonstrance on the 
part of his mistress. But Abram pur¬ 
sued his own way in spite of expostula¬ 
tion. Finally, his interference with 
her own plans exhausted the patience 
of his mistress, who determined to 
dismiss him. 

“Abram,” said she, one day to him 
in a very kindly tone, “I see that you 
and I cannot live in peace on the same 
place, and I have decided that we must 
part—” but before she concluded her 
remarks Abram exclaimed, “Law, 
Mistis, wliar you gwine ? Youaingwine 
git no bettah plantashun dan dis ; take 
ole Abe’s advice, Mistis, en stay right 
whar you is.”—Short Stories. 


No Cause for Grief- 

A wall eyed, hungry-looking individ¬ 
ual recently entered a Bowery restaur¬ 
ant and seated himself at one of the 
tables. A waiter appeared, ready for 
his order. 

“Boss dead ? ” observed the man, gaz¬ 
ing intently at the table. 

“ Oh, no,” answered the waiter. 

“Wife, perhaps. When does the fun¬ 
eral come off? ” 

“Wife ain't dead cither.” 

“One of the children, mebbe. Ah, 
well, life is short. We are here to-day, 
but wheie to-morrow ? ” 

“Children are all well.” 

“Then it must be some near rela¬ 
tive.” 

“None of the family are dead; none 
of them are sick, and no relatives have 
passed away,” explained the waiter. 

“There ain’t!” ejaculated the man, 
turning fiercely around and pointing to 
the table cloth ; then why in thunder 
don’t you take in your mourning goods ? 
That table-cloth is black enough for a 
funeral pall.” 







NEW TRAVELERS’ YARNS. 


81 


Why He Sat Through It, 



Charlie Knickerboeker —The daily papers say that this 
play is a failure, and that a man cannot sit through it. 

Gus Snobberly— Because a man can’t sit through it, that’s 
no sign it’s a failure. I never saw but one play yet that I 
could sit through. 

“Which one was that ?” 

“An amateur performance I saw in Texas. I sat’ 
through the entire performance.” 

“Was it so intensely interesting?” 

“No; it was the dullest thing I ever saw.” 

“Then how did you come to sit through it ?” 

“You see, it was played in a local option town. There 
wasn’t a saloon within ten miles,” 


Force of Habit. 

It was a wild night. 

Private Smith 
snored peacefully in 
the folds of his regu¬ 
lation blanket. 

Without the ele¬ 
ments raged, the 
thunder bellowed, the 
prolonged lightning 
played on clouds of 
ink. 

The measured 
tread of the picket 
came between the 
might of the tern pest. 

A wild night, indeed, 
and just a night when 
a man could appreci¬ 
ate a solid roof over 
his head, be it ever so 
small. But the thou¬ 
sand brave hearts 
that slumber in the 
canvas city have 
tramped far, and the 
tiny god of dream- 
1 a n d weaves the 
sweetest of thoughts 
—h o m e s, mothers, 
wives, sweethearts. 

What soul feels the 
sense of danger? 

Not one. 

But see! A light 
flashes on the distant 
hill; another—and 
another. 

The enemy! 

The picket’s rifle rings out through 
the heavy gloom. 

Then the bugle. 

The enemy is advancing from two 
sides, but the solid square of gleaming 
bayonets stand impregnable. 

And Private Smith sleeps on; a sweet 
smile hovering around his lips. 


The supreme moment has arrived. 

“Fire!” 

The stentortan order reaches Private 
Smith like a voice from home. 

“All right, Betsey, 111 go down and 
start it in a second. The wood is nice 
and dry. It’ll burn readily. It’ll burn’' 

-and the poor fellow’s eyes close 

once more. 


































JEW TRAVELERS’ YARNS. 


82 

A Catchy Story. 

For a story with a catch in it the fol¬ 
lowing from a L,ondon publication isn’t 
bad: 

Once, when in Paris, Napoleon paid a 
visit to a hospital for old soldiers. 
Among the inmates was an old man who 
had lost an arm. The emperor asked 
him: 

•‘Where did you lose your arm ? ” 

“At Austerlitz, sire. ” 

“Then, no doubt, you curse the em¬ 
peror and your country for your fate? ” 

“On the contrary, ” said the veteran, 
“ for the emperor and my country I 
would sacrifice my other arm. ” 

“I can hardly believe it, ” said the 
emperor. 

The soldier immediately drew a saber 
from its sheath and lopped off the other 
arm. 

“A most sublime act of self-sacrifice/’ 
said the old lady who had been listen¬ 
ing to the yarn, totally forgetting the 
impossibility of a one-armed man cut¬ 
ting off his remaining arm. 

Short Stories. 


A Well-Matched Couple. 

A convict at a French penal settle¬ 
ment, who was undergoing a life sen- 
tence, desired to marry a female con¬ 
vict, such marriages being of common 
occurrence. The Governor of the 
colony offered no objections, but the 
priest proceeded to cross-examine the 
prisoner. 

“ Did you not marry in France ? ” he 
asked. 

“Yes. ” 

•“ And your wife is dead? ” 

“She is. ” 

*• Have you any document to show 
that she is dead ? ” 

“No. ” 

“Then I must decline to marry you. 


You must produce some proof that your 
wife is dead. 

There was a pause, and the bride 
prospective looked anxiously at the 
woulr*-be groom. Finally he said: 

“I can prove that my former wife is 
dead. ” 

“ How will you do so ? ” 

“I was sent here for killing her. ” 
And the bride accepted him notwith¬ 
standing. 


Youth paints the circus bill for old 
age to tear down. 


A Beautiful Thing. 

The lady in her elegant victoria drove 
up to the great dry goods store, and, 
stepping daintily out, she walked into 
the busy place. Approaching a weary 
looking girl at one of the counters, she 
said: 

“What time do you get off duty ? ” 

“Usually at six, madam, ” replied the 
astonished girl, “but to-day at five. ” 

“ Don’t you get very tired working so 
long ? ” 

“Yes, madam, but I must work or 
starve. 

“Well, will you let me take you for a 
drive of an hour after you are through 
to-day ? I’m sure it will do you good. ” 

The girl, knowning the wealth and so¬ 
cial position of the lady, blushed with 
pleasure and she was only too glad to 
accept the invitation so politely and 
kindly extended, and the lady, with a 
cheery smile and bow, walked out. 

Then the man who dreamed this 
woke up and wondered how the mis¬ 
chief people could dream such improb¬ 
able and ridiculous things. 


Conscience makes cowards of us all, 
or else cowardice makes us conscien¬ 
tious. 










NEW TRAVELERS’ YARNS. 


83 


Refusing His Own Prescription. 



A bachelor physician, was once called to see a young 
widow. “You are lonesome,” said the doctor. “Your 
husband has been dead three years. I’d advise you to 
marry again.” 

“Oh, doctor, Ill marry to-morrow if you will have me.” 

A h 1 ah ! Well,” muttered the doctor, stepping back and 
blushing, “you know, madam, that physicians never take 
their own prescriptions.” 


Easily Explained. 

Waggs—Why do they always have the 
walls of a saloon covered with pictures ? 
j a gg S —Oh, it’s merely a matter of 

business. 

Waggs—How’s that ? 

jaggs_They are usually so bad that 

they drive men to drink. 

At the Trial- 

“I hear she has a new divorce suit?” 
“No, I am told she will wear her 
wedding dress.’ 


A Considerate 
Mother. 

A little colored 
girl applied at the 
house of a promin¬ 
ent citizen of Hous¬ 
ton for a position to 
wash dishes, etc. 

“Where does 
your mother live?” 
asked the lady of 
the house. 

“She libs out in 
the rhubarbs of de 
city.” 

“ Have you got 
any father ? ” 

“Yes, mam, but 
he has gone into de 
country to pick 
cotton, and my 
mudder tole me if 
I v as a good girl, 
and behaved my¬ 
self, she would get 
me a step-fodder 
until de cotton 
pickin’ season was 
ober.” 


The judge had a 
pronounced biga¬ 
mist before him. 

“You have five 
wives living, I be¬ 
lieve?” he said, 
sternly. 


Irish Wit- 

Two Sons of Erin sharing the same 
bed, as well as the same bottle of whisky. 
Pat waited till he found Mike slept, 
when he quietly arose and emptied the 
bottle. Soon after, Mike waking, stole 
out of bed, and groping about in the 
dark, was asked by his companion : 

“Pbawt are yez lookin' fer, Mike?” 

“ Oh, nothin’! ” says Mike. 

“Well, Mike,” says Pat, “Ye’ll foindit 
over there in the corner in the bottle.” 

—Short Stories. 





















84 


NEW TRAVELERS’ YARNS. 


Fashion Note, 



She —Do you think there is as much individuality in ladies 
dresses as there used to be ? 

He —It looks as if there was more individuality and less 
dress. 


What A Tex¬ 
as Justice Said 

“What!” ex¬ 
claimed a Texas 
justice to a col- 
o r e d culprit, 
“have you the 
audacity to say 
you do not rec- 
ognize this 
pocketbook?” 
“Yes, sah. ” 

‘ ‘ But it was 
found i n your 
possession. ” 

“ In my what 
d i d- y e r-s a y, 
Jedge ?” 

“In your pos¬ 
session. This 
pocketbook was 
found i n your 
pocket sir. ” 
“Jedge, you 
has done t o 1 e 
two stories 
aboul d a t a r’ 
pocket book. 
T ust, yer said 
hit was foun’ in 
my possession, 
and den yer’ 


A Fellow Feeling. 

“ How d’y do. We’re sorter connect¬ 
ed in business, so we might as well be 
sociable. ” 

“ I don’t quite follow you,” replied 
the dignified stranger. 

“ Why, your’e the superintendent of 
the insane asylum, ain’t ye ? ” 

“Yes. ” 

“ Well, I’m the man who wrote the 
leadin’ popular song. ” 


lowed hit was foun’ in my pocket. Bofe 
dem yarns can’t be true. Ef de 
j edges on de bench can’t tell de troof, 
hit’s no wonder dat a poor miserable 
niggah like me am led astray. ” 

The justice drew a long breath, and 
once more producing the pocketbook 
said: 

“You denied just now that you had 
ever seen this pocketbook. I now ask 
you again if you ever seen this pocket- 
book before ?’ 

“Why, of course. Hit am de same 
one you showed me a minute ago. Yer 
must be losing yer mind, jedge.” 

Remanded to jail without bail! 








-^EW TRAVELERS’ YARNS. 


A Fat Take- 



He was a tramp printer, and behind 
the bar he espied a former fellow typo 
dealing out the ardent. Both shook 
hands, and warmly greeted each other. 

“Have a take old pard?” asked the 
bartender. 

“You bet,’’ was the joyful reply, 
“about three sticks of solid agate.” 

The bartender set up the whisky. 

“Have it leaded?” asked the bar¬ 
tender, lifting a pitcher of water. 

“None of that,” he replied, raising 
his hand to guard the fluid, “not even 
a space or an em quad.” 

He turned it off at a swallow, sat down 
the empty glass and remarked: 

“It is ‘locked up in my form’and 
‘I’ll go to press’ your next neighbor 
for a little ‘pie,’ ” and he was gone. 


He Needed It Badly 

He got on a C. and 0 . train at a little 
station in the West Virginia mountains 
and had with him such an air of dejec¬ 
tion and woe-begoneness that a kind 
passenger from Washington sought to 
draw him out of himself. When he 
had discovered that his sympathizer 
was from the capital, his face bright¬ 
ened. 

“What do you reckon’s my chances 
or gittin’ a pension?” he inquired. 


«5 

“Were you in the army ? ” 

“No; wazn’t old enough till the last 
ye’r, an’ then didn’t think it wus ne¬ 
cessary.” 

“On what ground do you think you 
ought to have a pension, then ? ’" 

“Well, you see it s this way, strang¬ 
er,” and he became very confidential. 
“I told you awhile ago my wife died 
last year, leaving me four children to 
take keer uv and nary woman livin’ 
nearer than two mile. That’s purty 
hard, ain’t it ? ” 

The sympathizer nodded assent. 

“Well, my wife wuz Mary Henley, 
and Mary wuz goin’ to marry Jim Long, 
him that got his arm shot off soldierin’, 
an' every night her an’ Jim uster hang 
on the front gate an’ go trapesin’ up 
an’ down the road talkin’ an’ me watch- 
in' ’em from my front door, an’ tellin’ 
Mary next day she’d ketch her death 
uv cold ef she didn’t mind. But she 
only laughed at me for my pains, an’ 
one day Jim he ups an’ marries another 
gal, an’ Mary was throwed back onto 
me. Bimeby she got on her feet ag’in, 
an’ we got married ; ’twas jes as I told 
her, she ketched cold them nights out 
thar bareheaded with Jim, an’ it settled 
on her chist, an’ she kept gettin’ 
weaker’n weaker an’ at last she had to 
give up leavin’ me an’ the four chil¬ 
dren to take care of ourselves. Now, 
it ’pears to me that Jim Long wuz to 
blame for the whole business, an’ I 
ought to git a pension. Do you think 
I’ve got a show ? ” 

The sympathizer had his doubts, but 
he promised the woe-begone passenger 
that he would let a Washington pension 
lawyer take the case, and he might 
declare a dividend on it. 










86 


NEW TRAVELERS’ YARNS. 


Envious Of The Dog. 



“Miss Fannie, ” said the enamored youth to a beauti¬ 
ful young lady, “I hear that you have trained your dog 
to lie down and act as a footstool.” 


Miss Fannie —Yes, that is so. 

“Would I were a flea upon that dog. ” 


His Plain State¬ 
ment. 

“ Er-h’m !—b rud- 
dren and sistahs,” re- 
verely began good old 
Parson Woltimonjust 
before the collection 
was taken up. “ I 
has been pained to 
notice dat on sev’ral 
purseedin* Sundays 
when de hat was bein’ 
parsed it has been 
delayed and procras¬ 
tinated by some ob 
de bruddren makin’ 
dis weak excuse and 
dat one why dey 
shouldn’t chip into it. 

And now, I dess wants 
to specify mo’ in sorr- 
or dan in anger, but 
de wid all de p’inted- 
ness and prognosticat¬ 
ion dat I can put into 
de proclamation, dat 
d e hat am parsed 
around to hab money put in to it and 
not for de purpose ob bein’ talked 
th’ough. Yo’ knows yo’ hab got de 
money, yo’ knows de chu’cli needs it, 
and yo’ knows dat ys’ excuses don’ fool 
nobody and nors dat de hat am gwine to 
begin to succumnavigate around once 
mo’, I hope and trusts datyo’ will live 
up to yo’ bounden duty and pungleup 
liberal and without provocation.. Brud- 
der Slewfoot, parse de hat! '* 

N. Y. World 


What do you suppose the keeper of 

that joint, hotel I mean, at-had the 

cheek to say to me when I complained 
of his washroom towel being dirty. He 
said, “Fifty or sixty men have wiped 


themselves on that towel and you are 
the first to complain. 


Nobody Helped Him. 

A story of Scotch honesty comes from 
Dundee. A small boy had taken the 
prize for an exceptionally well drawn 
map. After the examination the teach-, 
er, a little doubtful, asked the lad: 

“Who helped you with the map, 
James ? ” 

“ Nobody, sir. ” 

“ Come, now, tell the truth. Didn't 
your brother help you ? ” 

“ No, sir. Hedidit all.”—Milwaukee 
Wisconsin. 














NEW TRAVELERS’ YARNS 


87 


Why She didn’t Want an American 
Husband. 

A gentleman from Indiana told me 
the other day a story about Bayless W. 
Hanna, now United States Minister to 
the Argentine Republic. Some months 
ago at Buenos Ayres, a rich Spanish 
banker gave a dinner to some friends, 
and Mr. Hanna was seated on the right 
of the hostess. She inquired as to the 
health of Mrs. Hanna, who was not pres¬ 
ent, and asked how many children they 
had. Bayless, not understanding Span¬ 
ish very well, thought she wanted to 
know the age of Mrs. Hanna and said, 
“Forty-eight, madam.” To his surprise 
the lady threw up her hands and ex¬ 
claimed. “Gracious a Dios, que no 
tengo esposo Americano !” which being 
translated is, “Thank God, I have not 
an American husband.” The next day 
the Spanish banker called on Mr. Han¬ 
na and said: “You astonished my wife 
yesterday when you told her you had 
forty-eight children.” “Why, my dear 
sir,” replied the Minister, “I thought 
your wife inquired as to the age of Mrs. 
Hanna and I gave her the forty-eight 
figure. I have only four children and 
they are enough.” The banker went 
home and gave his wife the benefit of 
Judge Hanna’s statement, but the story 
got out and the Judge has to stand up 
and take the jokes of his friends. 


The Fear of Death. 

An old Irishman who had recently 
recovered from a severe attack of sick¬ 
ness, chanced to meet his parish priest, 
who had been summoned during his 
illness to administer Ihe rites of the 
church to the dying, as he was consid¬ 
ered to be near death’s door, and the fol¬ 
lowing conversation took place : “Ah, 
Pat, I see you out again. We thought you 


were gone sure. You had a pretty ser 
ious time of it.” “ Yis, yer riveience, 
indade I did.” “When you were so 
near death’s door, were you not afraid 
to meet your God, your Maker? ” “No, 
indade, your riverence. It was the 
other gintlemin.” 


Theatrical Item. 



“Going on the stage !” exclaimed Es¬ 
meralda Longcoffin ; “why, Sarah, you 
have no dramatic talent.” 

Sarah Peterbv —I don’t need any. 
Esmeralda— But your figure is not 
very well adapted for the stage. 

That doesn’t make any difference. 
I’ll score a great success.’ 

“But, Sarah you haven’t got a pretty 

face.” 

“That makes no difference. I’ll suc¬ 
ceed all the same as if I did.” 

“But how?” 

“The theatrical critic of the Dailey 
Slopover owes my mother for six 
months’ washing, and as long as I am 
solid with the Press I’m all right.” 














88 


NEW TRAVELERS’ YARNS. 


Hunting the New Leaf. 



Sober Dude —I say, Charlie, you prom¬ 
ised your girl to turn over a new leaf 
after New Year’s. 


Intoxicated Dude —Sho I did, hut tain’t 
my fault. Can’t find a new leaf to turn 
over. Been all through Shentral Park 
hunting for new leaf. Shee ? Noleavesh 
at all on treesh. Thish no time of year 
to turn over new leavesh when there 
ain’t none. Fourth of Julysh time to 
turn over new leavesh. 


A Curious Dream Verified- 

Mr. Charles Knickerbocker, a New 
York broker, who is given to practical 
jokes, is at present in Europe. Ke is 
traveling for his health. He is spend¬ 
ing the winter in Rome. A few nights 
ago his wife, who lives on Madison Ave¬ 
nue, dreamed that he was dead. The 
dream was so natural that it made a 
strong impression on her. She felt sure 
that something serious had happened 


to him. She was filled with dismal 
forebodings, although she is not what 
might be called a supertitious woman. 

A few days afterwards she received a 
cablegram. She tore open the envelope, 
and holding one hand to her beating 
heart, read : 

Rome, Febuary n, 1895. 

“In an hour from now I will no long¬ 
er be with the living, but with the dead. 
Before you read this I will be under the 
sod-” 

She gasped for breath. Everything 
swam before her eyes. The cablegram 
dropped from her nerveless hand. 

‘ * I knew it! I knew it! ” she shrieked, 
as she sank in a swoon on the floor. 

A moment later her faithful maid 
rushed in, and with the assitance of 
some of the family, who had been star¬ 
tled by the heavy fall, the prostrate 
woman was raised from the floor, and 
her apparently lifeless body laid on a 
sofa. The family physician was sum¬ 
moned in hot haste. Dr. Salts applied 
restoratives, and in a few minutes the 
unfortunate lady regained conscious¬ 
ness. 

“ You must not excite yourself. Try 
and be calm,” he said soothingly. 

“I will—try—and—be—calm,” she 
said, gasping for breath, and placing 
her hands over her face, she exclaimed 
in heartrending accents, “please read 
the rest of that cablegram.” 

The doctor’s hand trembled as he 
picked up the cablegram. He managed, 
however, to control his voice sufficient¬ 
ly to read the last sentence of the 
cablegram. It ran : 

‘Before you have read this I will be 
under the sod—for lam going to in¬ 
spect the catacombs.” 














NEW TRAVELERS’ YARNS. 


89 


When it is Permissible to Kiss the 
Cook- 

“I suppose,” said Mr. Clatterby, sol¬ 
emnly, as he looked across the library 
table at Mrs. Clatterby after dinner, 
before beginning to read the evening 
paper, “I suppose there might be cir¬ 
cumstances under which it would be 
permissible for me to kiss the cook.” 

“And when, pray, may I ask?” said 
Mrs. Clatterby, with some display of 
feeling. 

“Why, when you were doing the cook¬ 
ing, my dear,” said Mr. Clatterby, and 
then he suddenly appeared to be great¬ 
ly interested in the paper. Mr. Clat¬ 
terby thought that was very funny. 


After Hair- 



Waiter_Have your oysters scallop ed? 

Cowboy—Bring 'em on and I’ll scalp 
them myself. In the meantime, I’ll 
jest scalp the butter to keep my hand 
in. 


She Wanted to be a Christian- 

A very thin woman had felt the power 
of the Spirit, and had been converted; 
and she appeared before the session to 
pass the preliminary examination. 

“ Have you experienced a change of 
heart? ” asked the elder, gently. 

“Yes, sir; I believe I have.” 

“And you want to live a new life?” 

“Yes, sir; I hope I do.” 

“Are you willing to renounce the 
world, the flesh, and the devil ? ” 

“ Do I have to do that ? ” 

“ Certainly, if you would be a consist¬ 
ent Christian.” 

“Can I give up two of them, and still 
go into the church ? ” 

“No; the renunciation must be com¬ 
plete.” 

“Well, then, you must excuse me. I 
want to be a Christian; I want to give 
up the world and the devil; but if a 
woman, as thin already as I am, has to 
give up any more flesh, she might as 
well give up wanting to be a Christian, 
and go and join aside-show as the great 
American only living skeleton. Gen¬ 
tlemen, you will have to excuse me. I 
want to join the church; but I’m not 
prepared to join a side-show this sum¬ 
mer.”—The Drummer. 


Very Much Behind- 

Quester—They tell me the result of 
the race yesterday quite disappointed 
the confidence you had placed in your 
entry ? 

Jester—Well, I should gurgle ! 

“Did your horse come in last?” 

“Oh, no; I came in last. The horse 
wasn’t anything like as much exhaust¬ 
ed as my exchequer.” 


Sweet Charity. 

He—Don’t you think Miss Plainly is 
the very image of her mother ? 

She— 1 Yes, indeed; the resemblance 
is something awful. 



















9 o 


NEW TRAVELERS’ YARNS. 


It Was a Beautiful Hat. 

It was a beautiful hat, there was no 
doubt about it. The man who sat just 
back of her was in a towering rage. He 
said there were twelve yards of lace on 
it, a dozen sand-hill cranes, two jet 
buckles, a bushel of roses and three 
pins. His wife demurred to this. 

“Oh, no, Henry, ” she said, “you are 
prejudiced. I don’t think the birds are 
quite so large as sandhill cranes, and I 
very much doubt if there are more than 
ten yards of lace on it.” 

“ Well, a Thomas concert isn’t a mil¬ 
linery show room, anyhow, ” snarled her 
lord. “ Took at her now. She makes 
Mr. Thomas look like the headless 
horseman afoot. ” 

“ Ob, don’t; she might hear you. ” 

“I don’t care if she does,” but he low¬ 
ered his voice. “I hope her husband 
made a jolly row when the bill came in. 
Em sure he did if the price correspond¬ 
ed with it. v 

“The size of a bonnet has nothing to 
do with its cost, dear, ” said his wife, 
wearily. 

“Humph! it ought. I believe I’ll 
speak toiler : the music is to good to—” 

“Oh, Henry, don’t; she looks so 
cross. ” 

“ I’m not afraid. ” He leaned forward 
and made a motion to address the lady. 
When he met her eye he fell back in 
his chair and became absorbed in the 
orchestra. 

The lady was evidently nervous. She 
kept moving about in her chair and the 
hat moved with her; sometimes she 
merely dismembered Mr. Thomas to his 
gaze; sometimes the whole orchestra 
was blotted out. 

The man behind her enjoyed the 
music intermittently. Finally, when 
the last musician went into eclipse he 
leaned forward. 


“ Madam, ” he said intones of courte¬ 
ous ferocity, “one ought not to inter¬ 
fere with the enjoyment of others. 
Will you kindly remove your hat ? It 
obscures my view entirely. ” 

The lady’s face cleared. “With pleas¬ 
ure, sir, ” she said: “I quite agree with 
your remark. I did not like to speak 
sooner, but one good turn deserves an¬ 
other. Will you kindly desist from 
beating time on the back of my chair?”' 

And the music went on as if nothing 
had happened.—Chicago Herald. 


A Dark Romance. 

“How is it. Uncle Mose, that you 
never married? Ain’t you an admirer 
of the fair sex ? ” 

“Oh, yis; 1 fo’t er duel wunce erbout 
er gal, sah. ” 

“A duel?” 

“ Yes, sah; yeahs and yeahs ago. Sam 
Johnsing an’ myse’f, we bofe lubbed de 
same gal; we was bofe boun’ter hab dat 
gal, and de bizness climaxated in er 
duel wid pistils. We bofe wah er trifle 
narvous, sah, and de bullets went sort¬ 
er wild, an’ nobody was hit but a mewel 
in de nex’ field. ” 

“ And did you fire again?” 

“No, sah, dat was er werry vallyble 
mewel, an’ we bofe got kinder skeart 
like. So we entered into an americable 
derangement. ” 

“How did you settle it?” 

“Sam tuck de gal, an’ I ’greed ter 
pay fo’ de mewel. As far as lub goes, 
dat cured dis dog ob suckin’ aigs. It 
wah a werry vallyble mewel. ” 


“Fora funny man, Mr. Wagg, you 
don’t say many bright things.” “No, 
Mr. Porker; and I notice that for a deal 
er in hams you strew singularly few of 
them around in society. ”—Judge 







NEW TRAVELERS’ YARNS. 


91 


She Had A Pull. 



There was a ball at the house of a 
prominent citizen of Harlem, and Miss 
Elderly Gusher was present. She is a 
great coquette, and Mr. Knickerbocker 
Scabs, a wealthy young bachelor, was 
there, but he gave her a wide berth be¬ 
cause he has a dread of designing fe¬ 
rn ale’s with matrimonial intentions. 
Miss Gusher was very much piqued at 
this, and told her brother to bring Mr. 
Scabs up, whether he liked it or not, 
and introduce him. The brother obey¬ 
ed instructions, and with gentle vio¬ 
lence led Mr. Scabs up by the arm to 
where Miss Gusher was smiling in all 
her loveliness. 

“I believe you are trying to keep a- 
way from me, Mr. Scabs, ” she said, 
giggling. 

“ On the contrary, you are the only 
lady in the room to whom I feel myself 
drawn by an irresistable impulse, re¬ 
sponded Scabs, referring of course, to 
his being pulled up to her by her bro¬ 
ther. 

Miss Gusher did not understand it, 
and before the evening was over she 
had taken advantage of her leap—year 
privileges, and actually roped him in. 


Presence of Mind. 

A good story is told of a well-known 
local politician. His wife had been out 
of town for the summer, and during 
her absence the politician stopped at a 
hotel. Mrs. Blank returned to town on 
Friday, and on her way from the boat 
to the hotel the lady asked: 

“Did they treat you well while I was 
away ? ” 

“Oh, yes; excellent! I’ll show you 
what a fine room I had. It will make 
you smack your lips. ” 

And then, as they approached the ho¬ 
tel: 

“There's my room. See! they have 
the gas lighted and everything in readi¬ 
ness for our return. Nice location isn’t 
it?” 

“Ye—” 

Just then a lady came to the window 
of the room and drew down the shade. 
There was so much silence that it 
cracked the pavement. The gentleman 
pointed out the wrong window, but his 
wife wouldn’t believe him until he had 
gone up and waved his hat out of the 
window of his own room while she 
stood on the other side of the street 
and watched him, and even then she 
doubted, and said that lie had been a 
good while getting up-stairs, and then 
spent half the night hunting around the 
room. 


A Hint To The Penniless- 

Experienced Tramp—Hello ! we're in 
luck. I hear a husband and wife 
quarrelmgin this house. Tllwaituntil 
he cames out. 

Fresh Tramp—Wot good'll that do? 
Experienced Tramp—I’ll tell him I m 
a wanderer over the face of the earth 
because I can't live with my wife, and 
he’ll give me a dollar 









9 2 


NEW TRAVELERS’ YARNS. 


Patrick Casey’s Scheme. 

One day a man who spoke with the 
Irish brogue came over to the store, and 
inquired for me by name, and when I 
stepped out of the office he inquired,— 
“Would you like to make $75,000 in a 
year ? ” 

“Why certainly. ” 

“It may cost you as much as $7 per 
week, but you’ll be sure to get your 
fortune in twelve months. ” 

“Explain. ” 

“Well, I know a man named Mulcahy 
who’s ^ot consumption and must die. 
He used to be a robber, but has re¬ 
formed now. He made $75,000 in one 
haul, and it lies buried up the river. 
He says he’ll never touch a cent of i t, 
ut I know that the man who 
takes care of him until he dies 
will be told where the money is.’ 

“ Why don’t you take him? ” 

“ I am a widower, sir. ” 

“But you must have friends.” 

“vSo I have, but I’m givingyou 
the first choice. If you don't 
want it, I’ll find others. ” 

The result was that Mulcahy 
came to see me. He looked like 
some one I had seen before, but 
I could not tell who. I saw that 
he had only a few months to live, and, 
without referring to the $75,000 or the 
fact of his having been a robber, I sent 
him to a comfortable boarding-house, 
and agreed to furnish him with $7 per 
week. For ten straight months I paid 
his keep, and he dressed well and had. 
plenty to eat and drink. One day I was 
sent for to find him dying. I was sorry 
of course, but business is business, 
and as soon as I could make opportun¬ 
ity! said,— 

“John are you going to die. ” 

“ Yes, soir. ” 

“And that—that money up the river 


you know. ” 

”Yes, soir. ’’ 

“Hadn’t you better tell me just 
where to find it ? ” 

“There’s none there, soir. ” 

“ What ? ” 

“Nivir a cent, soir. ” 

“But Casey said there was. ” 

“ He did, soir. Casey is my brother, 
and we fixed on that story that I might 
be properly cared for in my last days. 
You are a gintleman, soir, if I do say it, 
and I’ll leave you the razor that I’ve 
owned these four and twenty years. 
Good-bye, to yees, soir, and if you 
could do the fair thing by me, and pay 
the funeral expenses, and buy a head¬ 
stone, I’d go feeling quite content. ” 


tenpenny nail ? ” 

“Igiveitup immediately. This is 
Eent, my dear boy; a man must give up 
something, you know, and I have obser¬ 
vances by giving up conundrums. ” 


Geographical Item. 

Teacher—Do any of you know where 
Madeira is ? 

Tommy—Yes, I kno There is some 

n a bottle in pa’s desk. 


Lenten Rigors. 



Why is a man on horseback like a 













NEW TRAVELERS’ YARNS. 


93 


A Delicate Compliment 

Perhaps one of the wittiest things 
from the greatest wit of the world was 
that of Sidney Smith to the Duchess of 
Marlborough. She was a great lover of 
flowers, and had just procured a rare 
pea-vine from India. It did not seem 
to thrive, and when Sidney Smith came 
to the house one day, she knowing his 
fondness for flowers, showed him 
through her conservatory. Going to¬ 
ward the pea-vine, she exclaimed: 

“O, Mr. Smith, I’m so afraid my beau¬ 
tiful pea will never come to perfection.” 

“Then permit me, my dear madam, 
to lead perfection to the pea, ” taking 
her arm and conducting her to the 
vine. 


He Wanted to Know. 


Sometimes school board officers are 
very officious and arrogant in manner. 
An elderly but fresh-looking woman 
opened her door to one lately and an¬ 
swered the following questions: 

“ Have you any children ? ” 

“Yes. ” 

“ How many ? ” 

“ Three. ” 

“Are they all at school ? 


“ No. ” 

“Are any of them ? 

“No.” 

“We must see to that,” said the man, 



Given. 

“Your children’s names? 


so given. 

Now their ages?” 

Well let me think, ” answered the 
,an with a gleam of fun in her eyes: 
Hie, the youngest, ( is thirty, an 

married last week. 

Thunder andlightning Scared the 

1; - w hy didn’t you tell me that 


“Because you didn’t ask me,” she 
answered, quietly. 


Another for ‘‘Pat’' 

Two gentlemen stood in front of a 
building in process of erection on one 
of the New York thoroughfares, dis¬ 
cussing a late shipwreck, from which 
one of them, by the exercise of unusual 
presence of mind, had narrowly escap¬ 
ed. 

At their side a humble “ son of Erin” 
was busily mixing the plaster for the 
new walls. Turning, in great friend¬ 
liness, born of his escape from death, 
the fortunate man addressed him: 

“Well, my dear fellow, can you think 
of anything more desirable in time of 
great peril than ‘presence of mind ’ ? ” 
“Well, sor, indeed thin, no; unless 
it be absince of body. ” 


A Statement Refuted • 



Mrs. Theydaupe (to tramp at door)— 
I don’t believe you ever did anything in 
all your life. 

Tramp—O, yes’m; I’ve done time. 



































94 


NEW TRAVELERS’ YARNS. 


Comparison. 

“It takes country boys to make sol¬ 
diers. ” Said the grizzled old man who 
had scraped his feet on the bricks out¬ 
side the lunch room with great care 
before lie entered. “It takes boys 
that’s been used to work as long as the 
sun’ll shine, and well into the night if 
the moon happens to be full.” 

“I’ve heard that,” remarked the man 
who was neat in dress and nervous of 
manner. “But I have my doubts.” 

“It's true. Iyook at the discipline a 
country boy gets. He’s out in all sorts 
of weather and he gets his muscles as 
hard as iron. He has endurance.” 

“Yes. He builds up a splendid con¬ 
stitution. But he has no means of in¬ 
suring himself against the perils which 
surround an army.” 

“That’s the point I was just trying 
to make. He puts fresh air into his 
lungs and good plain food into his 
stomach, and makes himself a set of 
muscles that pay no more attention to 
a heavy load than the fly-wheel of an 
engine pays to a speck of dust on its 
rim.” 

“ The country boy is good and strong, 
I’ll admit. But he hasn’t any practice 
in digesting things that call on a man’s 
stomach to stand up and do its duty 
with all its might. He does’nt rush 
away from his work and drink a pint of 
coffee and swallow a chunk of any kind 
of pie that happens to be left, every day 
at noon. He doesn’t ride on the back 
of a street car, with snow water drip¬ 
ping down inside his coat collar, nor 
stay up half the night going to theatres 
and parties. He doesn’t eat ice cream 
and drink strong coffee at midnight 
and then start in fora day’s work the 
next morning as if nothing had hap¬ 
pened. Your boy may beat ours for 
natural strength, but I tell you we’ve 


got the seasoning.” 

And the other said he guessed that 
taking the matter and averaging things 
up would explain why they were pretty 
much to be depended on, no matter 
where they came from.—Washington 
Star. 

A Disclaimer- 

A young German, whose father was 
in the herring business, had been in 
this country only a short time when 
for some act or other, one of his com¬ 
rades said, “Adolph, you are selfish.” 
“No, no, not shell fish. I sell herring,” 
was the prompt reply of Adolph.— 
J. H. L. 


Married—Not Mated. 



Mr. Candid Chumey —How do you and 
your new wife get on together? 

Mr. Newlwed— Well, all I’ve got to say 
is that I wish my mother-in-law was an 
old maid. 


Mr. Guzzler—No ushe, m’ dear! You 
cansh teach an old dog new tricksh! 

Mrs. Guzzler—Thank heavens! Your 
old ones are an elegant sufficiency. 














NEW TRAVELERS’ YARNS. 


95 


Not the Same Party. 



The Rev. Whangdoodle Baxter has the 
most flourishing Sunday-school in Aus¬ 
tin. He asked one of the pupils : 


“Who is dat ar mysterious bein’ from 
whom nuffln’ am hid, who sees and 
knows ebery ding what happens? I 
axed yer dot queshun last Sunday, and 
I now wants de answer.” 

“I knows hit. My fodder tole me de 
right answer,” said one boy. 

“Well, den, who does yer fodder say 
am dat mysterious bein’ who knows all 
things what happens ? ” 

“De foahman of de gran’ Jury.” 


Buried in Thought- 

The young man held a position in a 
Harlem shoe store and the other morn¬ 
ing his girl’s father, who had treated 
him with vigorous emphasis a few 
evenings before, came in to buy a pair 
of boots. The old man did’nt recognize 
his late victim as he came forward to 
wait on him. 

“What number?” asked the clerk in 
a shaky voice in response to the de¬ 
mand for a pair of boots. 

He was fitted with a pair in a few 


minutes, and went out with his pur¬ 
chase, leaving the young clerk buried 
in thought. 

“Hello!’’said the boss, disturbing 
his reverie, “what’s the matter with 
you ? ” 

The clerk started. 

“Oh, I was thinking.” 

“Thinking? This is no time to 
think. What’s the trouble ? ’* 

“Why, that man is my girl's dad. 
He has just put on and wore away a 
pair of light No. 8 boots, I was up at 
his house the other night, and when 
I left him at the gate I would have 
sworn in any court that he wore a No. 
19, double soled with a steel toe.” 

All the rest of the day the clerk was 
absorbed in thought and the boss didn’t 
bother him. 

Labor Note- 

“What is the meaning of the saying 
that a man shall earn his bread in the 
sweat of his brow?” asked a boy in a 
New York school. 

“Have you never observed a man 
working on a warm day?” asked the 
teacher. 

“No, don’t think I ever saw one.” 

“What does your father do on aright 
hot day?” 

“He goes in bathing out at Coney 
Island.” 

“What is your father’s business?” 

“ He is a walking delegate.” 

He—Should 1 return from this war 
with one arm shot off, what would you 
do ? 

She—I would still be true to my love. 

He—But if on returning you found I 
was shy to arms, what then ? 

She—Even then would I be true. 

He—But what if I ret urned to you with 
both legs and arms shot off; what then ? 

She—Then you could “take your 
trunk and go.” 














NEW TRAVELERS’ YARNS. 


Conn’s Description of the Fox Hunt. 

(From “The Shaugraun ”—Act I, Scene j.) 

Mrs. O’Keely. The polis was in my 
cabin to-day. They say you stoled 
Squire Foley’s horse. 

Conn. Well, now, here’s apurty thing, 
for a horse to run away wid a man’s 
character like this. Oh, wurra ! may 1 
niver die in sin, but here was the way 
of it. I was standin’ by ould Foley’s 
gate, whin I heard the cry of the hounds 
cornin’ across the tail end of the bog, 
and there they wor, my dear, spread 
out like the tail of a paycock, and the 
finest dogfox you ever seen was sailin ’ 
ahead of ’em up the boreen, an’ right a- 
cross the church-yard. It was enough 
to rise the inhabitants. Well, as I 
looked, who should come up an’ put 
her head over the gate beside me, but 
the squire’s brown mare, small blame 
to her. Divil a thing said I to her, nor 
she to me, for the hounds had lost their 
scent among the gravestones, we knew 
by their whine and yelp—when, whoop! 
the fox wint by us, I leapt on the gate, 
an’ gave a shriek of a view-halloo to the 
whip. In a minute the pack caught the 
scent again, and the whole field came 
roarin’ past. The mare lost her head 
and tore at the gate. Stop, says I, ye 
div.il! and I slipped a taste of a rope 
that I had in my pocket over her head 
an’ into her mouth. Now, mind the 
cunnin’ of the baste. She was quier in 
a minute. Come home aisy, now, says 
I, ain’ I threw my leg across her. Be¬ 
jabers, no sooner was I on her back, 
than, whoo ! holy rocket! she was over 
the gate and tearin’ like mad after the 
hounds. Yorick, says I, come back, 
you thief of the world! Tally ho! says, 
I, where are you takin' me to ? as she 
went through the hunting field, and 
laid me beside the master of the hounds 
Squire Foley himself. He turned the 


color of his leather breeches. Mother 
o’ Moses! ses he, is that Conn the Shau¬ 
graun, on my brown mare? Bad luck 
to me, ses I, its no one else. You stole 
my horse, ses the Squire. It’s a lie ses 
I—’twas your horse stole me. 

Moyar. An’ what did he say to that? 

Conn. I couldn’t stop to hear, for just 
then we took a stone wall an a double 
ditch at the same time, an’ he stopped 
behind to keep an engagement he had 
in the ditch. 

Mrs. O’Kelley. Ye’ll get a month in 
jail for that. 

Conn. A month in jail, will I? Well, be- 
gorra, it was worth it. Dion Boucicault. 


Police Item 



Citizen— Why are you always frown 
in g? 


Policeman —Becors, sor, O’id be foined 
tin days’ pay if I was ketched smoilin' 






















NEW TRAVELERS’ YARNS. 


97 


Economy Indeed- 



Schaumburg— Gracious Rachel! dot dentist charged sixdeen tollars for 
Jakey, don’ eat so much, you year out does fillings. 


MosE 

Jacob’s teeth. 

True Friendship. 

Levi and Hertz, both Israelites, were 
partners in business. Both were rich; 
both bachelors without any relatives. 
They were, moreover, the most devoted 
friends. So great was their friendship 
for each other that they had made theii 
wills, each bequeathing to the survivor 
all his property. 

One day Levi appeared at police head¬ 
quarters in a very much excited fiame 
of mind. In a quivering voice with 
emotion he said that for three days he 
had not seen or heard anything of 
his dear friend Hertz; that he had reas¬ 
on tofe; r that Hertz had met with foul 
nlav. The police captain replied calmly: 

“ The proper way to do, Mr. Levi, is 


to offer a liberal reward to anybody who 
will bring back your friend. ” 

“Ivill give five hundred tollars to 
anybody who will bring back my dear 
friend alive and well,” sobbed Levi. 

“You must try and brace up. You 
must accustom yourself witn the idea 
that your friend is dead.” 

“ Tead, tead ? ” shrieked Levi, seizing 
his hair with both hands and pulling 
out large wads. 

“Yes, you should provide for that 
emergency by offering a reward for the" 
return of his remains.” 

“Mister Police,” said Levi, smiling; 
throvigh his tears, “I dells you vat.. 
Ven anybody bring me dose remains of 
my friend Hertz, I pays him tousand 
tollars, five hundred more den if he vas 
found alive. He has left me everydings 
in his vill.”—Texas Siftings. 























<>8 


NEW TRAVELERS’ YARNS. 


The Drummer’s Dream, 

A little room in a little hotel 
In a little country town, 

On a little bed with a musty smell, 

A man was lying down. 

A great big man with a great big snore— 
And he lay on his back, you see— 
And a peaceful look on his face he wore, 
For sound asleep was he. 

In his dream what marvTous trips he 
made, 

What tremendous bills he sold ; 

And nobody failed and everyone paid, 
And his orders were as good as gold. 
He smiled and smothered a scornful 
laugh 

When his fellow-drummer blowed; 
For he knew no other had sold the half 
Of what his order book showed. 

He got this letter from home one day: 

“Dear Sir—We’ve no fitter term 
To use in your case than simply to say, 
Henceforth you are one of the firm.” 
And a glorious change this made in his 
life: 

He now from the road withdrew; 

And really soon got to know his wife, 
His son and his daughter, too. 

And then he moved from his obscure 
flat 

To a house on the avenue; 

Hived swell, was happy, got healthy and 
fat, 

Respected and wealthy, too. 

But with a thump,bang, whang! thump 
again. 

The landlord stood at the door. 

“It’s purty nigh time for that 6:10 
train ! ” 

And the drummer’s dream was o’er. 

—New Orleans Picayune. 


Mrs. Lakefront—She’s been married 
seven times. 

Mrs. Wabash—No wonder ! Her 
brother’s a minister. 


Not Her Style. 

“What would you say if I were to kiss 
you, Miss Tommey?” asked young Mr. 
Callow. 

“Mr. Callow,” replied Miss Tommey, 
“I am not in the habit of indulging in 
oratory on such an occasion.” 


A Business Transaction. 



S o n-i n-l a w Silverstine —M ister 
Schaumburg, I vants you to dake back 
your daughter Rebecca. 

Father-in-law Shaumburg— I dakes not 
dot Repacca pack. Ven a man comes 
to my house, picks out himself a piece 
of goots. and dot goots vas received by 
him in goot order, I vould be a fool to 
dake pack dot goods. No, sir, you 
schoost keep dot Repecca. 


Something Awful- 

Quizzer—Is he such a dead beat? 
Guyer—Why, he wouldn’t even pay 
a New Year’s call. 























NEW TRAVELERS’ YARNS. 


99 


He had Lost his Grip. 

A middle-aged man with a troubled 
look on his face stood on the corner 
near the Central depot and attracted 
the attention of a passer-by who in¬ 
quired : 

“Can I do anything for you, sir?” 

“Stranger,” said the man, “I’ve lost 
my grip.” 

“ Oh, brace up,” said the other in a 
cheery voice, “you’ll get hold again if 
you push in. It happens to us all some¬ 
time or other.” 

“ I’m sfraid I’ll never get it again,” 
said the other sadly. 

“Nonsense, man. Don’t give up 
when they’ve just discovered the elixir 
of life,” advised his friend. “ Take a 
hold again like a man.” 

“ What air you talking about ? ” asked 
the other. “I lost my grip with four 
new shirts in it, a new waistcoat, a pair 
of suspenders, and my wife’s photy- 
graft. Just give me a chance and you’ll 
see whether I’ll take hold or not,” and 
he walked off with a suspicious look at 
his late adviser. 


An Ultimatum. 

They sat together in the kitchen, the 
servant girl and the blue-coated police¬ 
man. 

Her cheek was close to his brass-but- 
toned breast, and his hand toyed ner¬ 
vously with the knot in her apron 
strings. 

They talked in low, earnest tones, 
and shot glances full of undying love 
into each other’s eyes. Such commun¬ 
ions of soul are sacred, and their more 
private conversation will not be re¬ 
vealed here. At length the sighing 
swain glanced at the clock, and, rising 
slowly, and regretfully, remarked : 

“ I must go pull the box. 

But what shall I do?” wailed the 


poor girl, clinging to his arm. 

“Ah, that’s easy, see ? You just tell 
the old lady that if she fires ye, 111 ar¬ 
rest ’er husban’ the next time ’e comes 
’ome wit a jag.” 


A Mystery Explained- 



Dr. Parkhurst —You know something 
about the telegraph business, do you 
not ? 


Geo. Gould— Certainly. 

Dr. Parkhurst— Well, I was walking 
out one day last summer and I noticed 
that whole myriads of flies covered the 
telegraph wires for a considerable dis¬ 
tance. How do you explain it ? 

Geo. Gould— Either a sugar Senator 
at Washington was telegraphing to a 
Wall street broker, or else there was a 
love letter going over the wires. 


“If it wasn’t for one thing I’d call 
your brother a bald-faced liar. 

“What’s that?” 

“ His whiskers.” 


“ Yesterday I told bchlegelmayer 
that his club consisted of blockheads, 
and to-day I hear that I have been elec¬ 
ted an honorary member ! ’ 











IOO 


NEW TRAVELERS’ YARNS. 


He Knew, 



A New York teacher was instructing his class in natural history. 
“To what class of birds does the hawk belong?” he asked. 

“To the birds of prey. ’ was the reply. 

“And to what class do quail belong?” 

There was a pause. The teacher repeated the question. 

“On toast,” yelled out the hungry boy at the foot of the class. 


Fighting 

Feet- 

“Say,doc!” 

“Well?” 

“ Am I to 
run out ? ” 

“You are.” 

“Can’t go 
to war, eh?” 

“No.” 

“Ain’t up 
to the stand¬ 
ard?” 

“ T h a t’s 
it.” 

“Well, say, 
doc, what’s 
the matter 
with me ?” 

“Yourfeet 
a r e in bad 
shape.” 

“ My feet ! 
Did you say 
‘ feet,’ doc ? 
Great mack¬ 
erel ! You 
must think 
a soldier 
fights like a 
mule.” 


The lady witness was on the stand. 

Q.—What is your age? 

A.—I haven’t any; 

Q.—What is your youth? 

A.—Inexhaustible. 

Q.—How old are you? 

A.—I am not old yet. 

Q.—How young are you ? 

A.—As young as I ever was. 

Q.—How many years have you lived ? 
A.—I do not measure time by years 
but by heart throbs. 

Q.—Are you marrie d ? 

A.—No, thank heaven. 

Court (to bailiff)—Mr. Officer, count 
the witness’ pulse and calculate how 
long she has lived from 1849 to 1894. 


Hater, as they talked it over in camp, 
the concensus of opinion appeared to 
be that the rejected recruit had scored 
one.—Chicago Post. 


A Reasonable Hope- 

“Yes,” said Mr. Gillipins, “I think 
my son Daniel has a bright future 
ahead of him.” 

“How’s that?” 

“ He’s just got the agency for one of 
the best kinds of stove polish I ever 
saw.” 

























NEW TRAVELERS’ YARNS. 


IOI 


How Dooley Quit His Job 

The sun shone down upon the gang, 
And workin’ at a drill 
Pat Dooly, on that summer’s day, 

Of labor had his fill. 

Now, Dooly was a faithful man, 

’Though sometimes he was slow, 

But he was workin’ by the day, 

So give the lad a show. 

He bored a hole deep in the rock, 
Then, gingerly and light, 

He took from out a little box 
A stick of dynamite. 

Just then the foreman came along 
The ledge above Pat’s head; 

“Come, Dooly, hustle up, yer slow— 
Wake up there, noo, ” he said. 

And then Pat Dooly’s Irish soul 
Rose up in wrath sublime, 

He yelled, “Come down,O’Donahue, 
Dom quick I’ll give me time. 

Don’t tell me that I’m workin’ slow, 

Ye can’t give me the laff, 

I’m not a mon that ye can run 
By any bluff or gaff. 

“Oi tell ye, Mike O'Donahue, 

’ Tho I’m a workin’ mon, 

I’m not the one that ye can drive. 

So stir me if ye can.” 

He raised the stick of dynamite— 

For he was done his talk— 

And threw it with a spiteful fling 
Straight down upon the rock. 

A mighty roar, a deafening crash 
Shook up the hills around, 

And on the spot where he had stood 
No Dooly could be found, 

And if you ask O’Donahue 
He’ll swallow back a sob, 

And tell you— while he sheds a tear— 
How Dooly quit his job. 

—Chicago Inter Ocean 


A Question of Brains 

An Irishman was once at work on a 
stone quarry, pulling up loads of broken 
rock out of a shaft with a windlass* 
The windlass was exposed to the sun, 
and the labor was very hard; but the 
man had on his head a straw hat, from 
which the crown had been torn. 

“ Look here, ” said a visitor to the 
Irishman, “aren’t you afraid the sun 
will injure your brain?” 

Pat paused in his work and looked 
steadily and wonderingly at his ques¬ 
tioner. 

‘ ‘ Brain ! ” said he. “ Me brains, is it? 
An’ do you think that af I had any brains 
I’d be turning this windlass ? ” 

—Short Stories, 


In Hard Luck* 

Tf: 



Mr. Fake lost his gold-headed cane. 
He did not expect to see it again, but a 
tramp brought it to him saying he had 
found it. 

“ You are an honest man, ” exclaimed 
Fake, “and, as a reward for your hones¬ 
ty, you may keep the cane. The cane 
itself is not worth much, but you can 
sell the head to some jeweler. ” 

“No you can’t, ” replied the tramp, 
“I’ve tried that already, and it won’t 
work. ” 












102 


NEW TRAVELERS’ YARNS. 


Danger Signal- 



Trackman (to tramp)—Sure, yez had better get off the track, the fasht mail is 
due. 

Tramp— Say, boss ,yer don’t tink I’d let it run over me, do ye ? 

Trackman— Begorra, it isn’t that I fear, but the engineer will tek that nose of 
yez for a red light and shtop the train. 


A Heartless Thing. 

First Veteran—Well, what did your 
girl do when you met—fall on your neck 
and weep ? 

Second Veteran—No; she offered to 
lend me 15 cents to get a clean shave. 

A Yankee and an Irishman, happen¬ 
ing to be riding together, passed a gal¬ 
lows. 

“Where would you be, ’’said Jonathan, 
“if the gallows had its due ?” 

“Riding alone, I guess, ” said the 
Irishman. 


- A Squelched Reformer. 

Reformer—I think the public libra¬ 
ries and the Museum of Art should be 
opened to the public on Sunday. 

Typical Alderman—What yer givin* 
us ? Don’t the saloons and thetheayters 
furnish all the enjoyment er blokie 
needs on Sunday? 


Priest—Why, Pat, coming again from 
the inn ? 

Pat—Of course, your riverence, I can¬ 
not always stay there. 















NEW TRAVELERS’ YARNS. 


A Cruel Insinuation. 



Mose Schaumburg— You vant a veek’s 
salary in advance, put suppose, Mish- 
ter Silverstone, I let you have dot 
week’s salary, and maybe you drops 
tead ternight. How den vill I git mine 
money pack ? 

Mr. Silverstone —I hope, Mishter 
Schaumburg dot I am too much of a 
schentleman to play you any such 
dricks ash dot, replied the clerk with 
dignity. 


A Prudent Maid. 

‘•Henry,” fhe began, in a sweetly 
timorous voice, “ what s all this talk 
about gold and silver ? ” 

Henry, who read the papers, and was 
about as thoroughly ignorant on the 

subject as everybody else, plunged in 

bravely, but she stopped him. 

“I don’t want to know that,” she fal¬ 
tered; “but is gold getting so awful 
scarce?” 

“ Awful scarce,” echoed Henry, dis- 

mally. „ 

“And is it all being taken away? 

“ It is,” said Henry. 

“And if they continue to take it 
away, there won’t be any left in this 
country by-and-by, and well have to 
use silver ? ” 


103. 


“Yes,” sighed Henry. 

“ Henry,” she whispered, “ I told you 
that I would give you my decision in 
the winter—but I repent. It—itisY— 
yes, Henry. Don’t—don’t you think,” 
she continued, after a moment’s si¬ 
lence, “that it would be well to get the 
ring now, before all the gold is taken 
away ? ”—Harper’s Bazaar. 

Had a Eight to Know- 

There is a Washington young woman 
who, while not a conspicuous beauty, 
is by no means as homely as she affects 
to believe. A young man has been de¬ 
voting much of his time to her, and she 
has given him reason to think that his 
society pleased her. The other evening 
he said: 

“Do you believe that you couldlearn 
to care for anybody well enough to mar¬ 
ry him ? ” 

She caught her breath and then an¬ 
swered in a low tone: 

“Yes; I am sure I could.” 

“Have ) r ou—have you anybody in 
your mind for whom you could care in 
this way ? ” 

“Yes.” 

“ Tell me; am I that person ? ” 

She opened her lips to speak, and 
then closed them without speaking. 
She looked at him narrowly for a mo¬ 
ment, and then said: 

“First answer me one question.” 

“What is it?” 

“Are you doing this on a bet?” 

“What are you looking so blue for 
Van Wither ? ” “I’ve been having a hard 
lesson.” “In love?” “Yes, and in 
Latin; just got through the first de¬ 
clension.” 


The new name for the man who 
throws a banana peel on the sidewalk 
is a bananarchist. 













104 


NEW TRAVELERS’ YARNS 


Rapid Transit. 



Attorney (examining witness)—You 
say you saw the shots fired? 

Witness —Yes, sir. 

Attorney —How near were you to the 
scene of the affray ? 

Witness —When the first shot was 
fired I was ten feet away from the 
shooter. 

Attorney— Ten feet. Well, now, tell 
the court where you were when the 
second shot was fired. 

Witness —I didn’t measure the dis¬ 
tance, hut I was in the next county. 


Uncle Mose Swears Off 

“See heah, Uncle Mose,” said Sam 
Joh using, *' what yer doin wid dat jug? 
1 tought you had done swore off.” 

“Dat's so, chile, l'se done swared off 
fur good and all. Dis heah dnnkin’ am 
de ruin ob de communerty.” 

“Ei dat's so what yer doin* wid dat 

jug? ’ 

• ‘ Huh ! Dat jug * Dat’s medicine. ” 


“Pears ter me hit smells powerful 
like whisky.” 

“Huh! You are the most ignunt 
cullud man in dis town. Don’t yer 
know dat when a gennerman has 
swored off de don’t handle no whisky ? ” 

“ What yer got in de jug, den ? ” 

“Didn’t I tole yer? Medicine, ob 
course. I’se a temperance nigger, but 
dat doan keep me from cotchin’ de 
rumatiz. I haint got no use for whisky, 
but de rumatiz stans right up fur 
stim’lants. I’se jess bin ter de doctah 
and got a description.” 

“What sort ob medicine does he de¬ 
scribe ? ” 

“ Ole rye am better den Bourbon, so 
he rit out. 

“ ‘i gal. O. R. p. d. q.’ 

“Yer see dat’s Latin, and bein’ an ig¬ 
nunt niggali yer doan know what hit 
means. Dat’s de name ob de medercine 
dat de rumatiz has ter hab.” 

“Den yer has done left off drinkin’ 
whisky ? ” 

“ Ob course I has.” 

“Huh! dar’s a powerful smell ob 
whisky about heah.” 

“Dat’s de’cepshun ob yer faculties, 
chile. Arter you has done swored off 
you will be eddicated ’tween whisky 
and rumatiz medicine. What I has got 
in dis heah jug am de stuff what de 
temperance man has ter take when he 
gets rumatiz. Dar’s no use buckin' 
agin science. He may smell like 
whisky, but hit’s only de doctah's de- 
scripshun.” 

“Well, good mawnin’, Uncle Mose; I 
take yer word fer hit, but de smell ob 
der jug am so powerful like whisky dat 
1 specs you has got hold ob de wrong 
jimijohn in de druggery shop.” 


Little Johnny thinks it a good deal 
nicei to be tanned at the seashore than 
to be tanned in school. 


























NEW TRAVELERS’ YARNS. 


105 


Paddy’s Courting. 

Biddy Machree was a gentlewoman,— 
at least as gentle a woman as could be 
found anywhere. Biddy was young, 
and decidedly good-looking. Biddy had 
a neat little cottage, with a good-sized 
potato-patch, and some fine pigs in the 
sty. No wonder then that all the young 
parks in the neighborhood fell in love 
with and fell out about her. 

Amongst the young fellows who stood 
a good chance of winning the love and 
potato-patch of Biddy, was young Pat¬ 
rick O’Conner. 

He was a smart, handsome young 
fellow, with bright roving eyes, and a 
saucy expression about the mouth that 
won the good will of everybody. His 
patch of land joined Biddy’s; his pigs 
grunted in chorus to Biddy’s; the smoke 
of his chimney always went in the di¬ 
rection of Biddy s—when the wind blew 
that way; and so he began to think he 
had a right to Biddy. 

As to Biddy herself, she often looked 
in the direction of Paddy’s plot, and 
sighed to think of the waste of ground 
on which the low stone wall stood. 

One night she was sitting all alone, 
knitting stockings, when all of a sud¬ 
den the latch was lifted and Paddy 
O’Conner entered. 

“Och! murther ! ” exclaimed the 
frightened damsel, “ wher did ye spring 
from ? ” 

<< From jest nowhere, me darlint! ” 
replied Pat, who was glad to find his 
charmer alone,—“from jest nowhere. 
I come to spake till ye on vary partic lar 
bizness.” 

“The ould ooman’s fast asleep, so ye 
may jest spake what ye plaze ! 

“Och, thin, Biddy,” said Paddy, draw 
ing his stool close to hers, and putting 
his arm round her waist, “Its yeiself 
as I’ve come to spake about, an nothing 
seise at all, at all. 


“Ye can’t say much about me, for 
sure.” 

“ Phew, Biddy, darlint! I drame of ye!” 
“Och, Pat, you wouldn’t be atther 
tellin’ me your drames; would ye? ” 

“ What if I did, me jewel? Drames 
come true sometimes. An’ don’t I wish 
my drame would come true.” 

“ Do yer ? ” said Biddy, drawing her 
three-legged stool nearer to his. “Tell 
me what it was about, honey ? ” 

“Oh, it was jest about yerself, me 
darlint. I dreamt I was going to 
church—” 

“Yes, Pat.” 

“Yes, I dreamt I was going to church 
to be—” 

“Christened, Pat ! ” 

“Nivir a bit was it christened; no, no, 

I was going to church to be—” 

“ Buried ? ” 

“ Buried 1 I’ faith; not buried at all, 
at all. I dreamt I was going to church 
to be married.” 

“Married? O Patrick ! It was only a 
drame, wasn’t it ? ” 

“Badluck to it, yes; it was only a 
drame.” 

“O Paddy 1 will it ever come true? ” 
“Sure, and I’m draming it will.” 

“ An’ who was the misthress, Pat ? ” 

4 * Who ? Be all that’s won derful, can’t 
yer guess ? ” 

“ Norah McCarty ? ” 

“Why, she squints 1 ” 

“Madge Mulligan? ” 

“The timper of a she-wolfl Me 
)ewel, it wa syerself!” 

“ O Pat 1 ” exclaimed the damsel, hid¬ 
ing her face in her apron. “ O Pat, I’m 
surprised at your drame, for sure; it 
was a strange drame.” 

They sat in silence for some mo¬ 
ments, and Paddy, after waiting for her 
to uncover her face, ventured to pull 
down one corner of her apron and take 
a peep. The roguish twinkle in her 
eye encouraged him; so, summoning up 
all his fortitude, he said: 

“ Will the drame come true, darlint?” 
The maiden’s cheek flushed a deeper 
crimson, and, laying her hand on his 
arm, she replied: 

“Whinever ye plaze, Pat.*’ 







io6 


NEW TRAVELERS’ YARNS. 


HowTo Get Them- 


A Convenient Sweetheart. 


“You must have 
had some startling 
adventures in your 
life, ’’ said the in¬ 
quisitive young lady 
who had taken a seat 
on the stage-coach 
beside the grizzly 
old drivei*. 

Waal, mighty few, 
miss, ” he replied. 

“Oh, but I know 
be t t e r. ”1 heard 
that it would take 
an iron man to go 
through with what 
you have and live. 
How many times 
have you been cap¬ 
tured and cruelly 
tortur e d by In¬ 
dians?” 

“N ary a time , 
miss, ” was his an¬ 
swer. 

“But how did it 
happen then, ” she 
persisted, “that 
your hair turned 
gray in a day, as your 
friends say it did, 
and where did you 
get all those scars 
on your face ?” 

“Waal, miss, it 
kinder puts me all in 
a tremble to think 
back to those times, 
howsumever, 111 tell 
you. I was in New 
York once an’ got 
caught i n o n e o f 
these stampedes 
you hav e on the 
Brooklyn Br i d g e. 
That’s what turned 
my ha’r gray. These 
scars came from a 
safety razor I was 
durn fool enough to 
buy while I was 
thar.” 



Kosciusko Jinks has been engaged to a number of ladies, 
but being of a fickle nature, has always crawfished out of 
marriage. Besides being a gay Lothario, Kosciusko is also 
a poet. On meeting Miss Birdie McGinnis, an old flame, the 
latter remarked : 

“I hear you are engaged again, Kosciusko ?’* 

“Yes, I’ve been scooped again, Miss Birdie.” 

“When are you goingto get married ?” 

“Heaven only knows. ” 

“Who is the fortunate young lady ?” 

“Her name is Lucinda. That’s one reason why I engaged 
myself to her.” 

“Because her name is Lucinda ?” 

“Just so. You see that’s the name of two formei sweet¬ 
hearts of mine, and I can use on this present Lucinda the 
sonnets I used to write to my previous Lucindas. She is 
the most convenient fiance I’ve had in the last ten years. >* 



















































































NEW TRAVELERS’ YARNS. 


°7 


Free Advertising. 



Irate Customer— I’ve a notion to mop up the floor with 


7 Merchant— Do it. I’ll dare you to do it. It will get 
into the paper and I’ll get lots of free advertising and 
have a rush of business. Hit me, you coward, hit me . 


A Lincoln Story- 

A New York firm applied to Abraham 
Lincoln some years before he became 
President for information as to the fi¬ 
nancial standing of one ot his neigh¬ 
bors. Mi. Lincoln replied as follows: 

“Yours of the ioth inst. received. I 

am well acquainted with Mr. X., and 
know his circumstances. First of all, 
he has a wife and baby; together, they 
ought to be worth fifty thousan d dollars. 
Secondly, he has an office, in which 
there are a table worth one and a half 
dollars and three chairs, worth, say, 
one dollar. Last of all there is in one 
corner a large rathole, which will bear 
looking into.—Respectfully yours, A. 
Lincoln.” 


“Proofs from Holy 
Writ.” 

Some mischievous 
boys gained entrance 
to a country church 
one Saturday night 
andglued together the 
connecting pages of 
the Bible lesson for 
the following day. 
The time for morning 
service arrived, and in 
due course the mini¬ 
ster read on the bot¬ 
tom of one page: 

44 When Noah was 120 
years old he took un¬ 
to himself a wife, who 
was”—turning the 
page—“140 cubits 
long, forty cubits 
wide, built of gopher 
wood, and covered 
with'pitch inside and out.” He was 
naturally puzzled at this. He read it 
again, verified it, and then said: ‘ My 
friends, this is the first time I ever saw 
this in the Bible, but I accept it as evi¬ 
dence of the assertion that we are fear¬ 
fully and wonderfully made. 

—Short Stories. 


The Cheaper Way. 

Old Wayback: Good mawin, jedge. 

I hcerd yer son hed gone to Europe. 

Judge Brown: Yes; he sailed yester¬ 
day. , 

Old Wayback: Went by water, then ? 
Wa-al, I s’pose it’s cheaper ter go that 
way, hain’t it ?—Judge. 


A Lucky Thing 

Smith—Hallo, old man! 
you were going to die. 
your life ? 

' Jones—The doctors gave me up 


Thought 
What saved 




























108 NEW TRAVELERS’ YARNS. 

His Bullet-Proof Shield 


“Madam,” said Meandering Mike, 
when, in response to his request for 
food, she offered him pie, “do ye re¬ 
member a year ago when ye gave a suf¬ 
ferin’ feller creature a pie ? ” 

“ I believe so.” 

“Madam, I'm that man.” 

“Was it good? ” 

“Good! It saved my life. There 
was an unfeelin’ farmer thet fired a box 
of tacks right for my heart at short 
range. I hedyer pie buttoned up inside 
my vest an’ here it is—full o’ tacks ez 
ye kin see fur yerself. It ain’t near 
wore out, an’ I won’t need another ter 
take its place fur a year yet.”—Wash¬ 
ington Star. 


O say ! There are others. You know 
them. I mean the hotel where the beef 
steak is so tough they have to pound 
the life out of it before they can let it 
come to the table. I have a sample of 
it on the lid of my trunk. It isn’t worn 
out yet. When you strike a good piece 
of steak it is very rare— 

That’s well done. 


Col. N. O. Borders, the genial claim 
agent of the Burlington in Missouri, 
once paid a claim for a “death loss” 
without investigation of the facts. It 
happened a good many years ago, and 
he doesn’t speak of it very often for 
fear he might induce other “attorneys 
for the plaintiff” to resort to similar 
tactics. An old plug of a mule belong¬ 
ing to one Jones got on the right of- 
way over in Linn county one day, and 
the obsequies occurred soon after the 
west-bound train came along. Jones 
filed a statement, reciting his bereave¬ 
ment, which he broadly hinted was sus¬ 
ceptible to amelioration by a pecuniary 
consideration. No terms were offered 


by the company, and he put the matte 
in the hands of Judge W. H. Brownlee, 
a promient attorney of Brookfield. 
Brownlee wrote the claim agent several 
letters—fifteen or twenty—each one 
getting hotter and more peremptory, 
until the last one fairly sizzled. Still 
no answer. Judge Brownlee has a great 
reputation as an orator, and some as a 
literary man and poet. He resorted to 
strategy before choosing the “ last re¬ 
sort.” He grabbed his quill and ground 
this out: 

“ Our donkey stood on the railroad side, 
Your train came whizzing by— 

The driver pulled ’er open wide 
And knocked our mule sky-high ! 

No bell was sounded o’er the hill, 

Nor friendly warning toot, 

And if you fail to pay your bill— 

By George, we’ll enter suit.” 

Jones’ check for full amount came on 
return mail.—Short Stories. 


Berry Well Done- 

The late Charles Matthews now and 
then failed, like some of the rest of us, 
in meeting his bills as promptly as the 
tradespeople concerned could de¬ 
sire. 

On one occasion a brisk young tailor, 
named Berry, lately succeeded to his 
father’s business, sent in his account 
somewhat ahead of time. 

Whereupon Matthews, with virtuous 
rage, seized his pen and wrote him the 
following note : 

“You must be a goose—Berry, to 
send me your bill—Berry, before it is 
due—Berry. 

“Your father, the elder—Berry, 
would have had more sense. 

“You may look very black—Berry, 
and feel very blue—Berry, but I don’t 
care a straw—Berry, for you and your 
) bill—Berry. ,j> —Short Stories. 









u 


LIST OF POPULAR AND STANDARD BOOKS. 

Cushing” in a Nutshell. 



This is the handiest book of Parliamentary law ever 
made. Every man and woman, and every boy and girl 
in the United States should know something - of the 
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days of Clubs, Societies and Organizations for all 
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Philanthropic, for Business and Pleasure, and he or 
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of many years of Practical Experience. They are neces¬ 
sary to facilitate the busi* ess of an organization, and 
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Kohler’s English=German and German= 

English Dictionary. 


This popular work gives the exact meaning of English 
words in German, and contains the correct spelling and defi¬ 
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Kohler’s Dictionary is the equal of any and the superior 
of nr st lexicons in either language. To complete it the high¬ 
est authorities in both languages have been consulted. To 
students and teachers Kohler’s German-English and English- 
German Dictionary will be eminently useful, containing 56,000 
wonds and their definitions in both languages. 18mo, 700 
pages. Size, 6 x 4£ inches. Cloth. Price, 75 cts. 



Advice to a Wife and Advice to a flother. 



By P. H. CHAVASSE, M.D. 

Young women in general hesitate, through a feeling 
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future health and happiness may depend upon their ob¬ 
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without alarming the modesty of the most delicate, as it 
is honestly written for the benefit of its readers. Dr. 
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reason of this popularity is plain; the book answers every 
question which a woman would like or need to have an¬ 
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to the change of life. The information is given i n language 
that persons of the most moderate education can under¬ 
stand; the knowledge imparted is exact , and acquaintance 
with it will often save the great expense and the need of 
applying to a physician. 535 pages, large 12mo, cloth. 
Price, $1.00. 


Any of the above hooks sent postpaid on receipt of price. Address all orders to 
THE CHISWICK PUBLISHING CO., 23 Duane Street, New York. P. 0. Box 119. 




























































flow to Become a Successful Electrician! "S 1 - 

It is the ambition of thousands of young and old to become electrical engineers. Not every one 
is prepared to spend several thousand dollars upon a college course, even if the three or four years 
requisite are at their disposal. It is possible to become an electrical engineer without this sacrifice, 
and this work is designed to tell “How to become a successful Electrician,” without the outlay usually 
spent in acquiring the profession. . 

“ Every young man who wishes to become a successful electrician should read this book. Ho 
will not be an electrician when he has mastered the book, but if he follows the advice there 
given he will become an electrician at some future time, if he is capable of becoming anything. It 
may be called a minimum book, for it tells the least that will be necessary, but it tells it in such a wav 
that no worthy young man will bo satisfied with the minimum, but will strive for that greater knowl¬ 
edge that will compel true and continually growing success. It is filled with good common sense, 
and is the clearest and most practical book on the subject we have seen .”—Public Opinion. 


ELECTRICITY SIMPLIFIED. 

FULLY ILLUSTRATED. SI.00. 

This work is the simplest ever published on the subject of Electricity, and does something not 
hitherto accomplished. Electricity is in many respects unexplained by the scientist; to the ordinary 
man it is all a mystery. The object of “Electricity Simplified” is to make the subject as plain as 
possible. 

This book is intended for the use of those whose former education has not qualified them to follow 
nnderstandingly, or with any degree of interest, the abstruse and technical works of the author 
whose volumes are the main sources of our information on these abstruse subjects. The author has 
certainly furnished a book which will be found to explain in simple language many of the fundament¬ 
al principles and resulting phenomena of electricity.— Electrical Wor ld. 

This is an excellent little book, well worth perusal. *** The book is practical in the best sense of 
the word. The author is to be commended for producing such a work.— Electrical Engineer. 





Arithmetic of. Electricity. 

Fourth Edition. Illustrated. Price, $1.00. 

A Practical Treatise on Electrical Calculations of all kinds, reduced to a series of rules, all of th* 
Simplest forms, and involving only ordinary arithmetic; each rule illustrated by one or more practical 
problems, with detailed solution of each one. Followed by an extensive series of Tables. 

We can recommend the work.— Electrical Engineer. 

We have already reviewed “ The Arithmetic of Electricity” in these columns. The best testi¬ 
mony of the nature of its reception by the public is the early issuing of a third edition. The object of 
the work is to give a practical review of the mathematics of electricity within the scope of those who 
are not conversant with algebra and the higher mathematics. It comprises a large number of rules. 
Illustrated by one or more examples each, while, in order to remove from it anything of the empirical 
aspect, a chapter is devoted to demonstrations of the rules which require it.— Scientific American. 


ELECTRIC tov=m AkiNO $1.00. 

DYNAMO BUILDING and ELECTRIC-MOTOR CONSTRUCTION. 

This work treats of the making at home of Electrical Toys, Electrical Apparatus, Motor*, 
Dynamos and Instruments in general, and is designed to bring within the reach of young and old the 
manufacture of genuine and useful electrical appliances. 

The work is specially designed for amateurs and young folks. 

This is a work in which the American boy will find explanations of the details of a great number 
of pieces of electrical apparatus which he may construct with his own hands and for his own amuse¬ 
ment and pleasure. The nine chapters of the book treat respectively of batteries, permanent magnets, 
electro-magnets, electric motors, electric bells, miscellaneous toys, spark and induction coils, and 
allied subjects, the hand power dynamo, and miscellaneous receipts and formulae. The chapter on 
primary batteries will be found especially valuable.— Electrical World. 




Standard Electrical' Dictionary. 

624 Pages. 350 Illustrations. Cloth, 8vo. Price, $3.00. 

The work is absolutely indispensable to all in any way interested in “ Electrical Science,” from 
the higher electrical expert to the every-day electrical workman. In fact, it should be in the posses¬ 
sion of all who desire to keep abreast with the progress of the greatest science of the times. 

The dictionary gives evidence of a large amount of painstaking work on the part of the author 
and possesses features which must be commended. Among these, the author, wherever occasion 
required it, has furnished the synonyms of terms, and the book is given an additional value by an 
alphabetical index, which enables it to be consulted for terms both collectively and individually. The 
work will prove of value to the reader, whether professional or non-professional. The definitions are 
put tersely and concisely, so that the inquiring reader can carry away a defined, net impression as to 
what is meant. Any student who will spend his leisure hours over the volume will be amply repaid for 
his time and trouble. The book is very clearly printed in bold type on good paper, and is well bound. 
—Electrical Engineer. 


The title of this work hardly does it justice—it is more than a dictionary; it is a practical hand-book of reference, in which 
the terms and subjects are arranged alphabetically, and besides giving the definitions of the terms, much valuable information is 
added in many cases. Each term or subject is defined once in the text, and where a term is synonymous with one or more 
others, the definition is given under one title only, and the others appear at the foot of the article as synonyms. For the pur¬ 
pose of finding readily the definition of one of the synonyms, a very complete index is added, by which the page containing the 
Information soughtfor is given. The work isan excellentone;itis very complete, andisjust what is needed .—American Machinist 


















LIST OF POPULAR AND STANDARD BOOKS. 


_ “ LAU GH ! AND TH E WOR LD LAUGHS WITH YOU.” 

TRAVELERS’ YARNS. :, s S. 



THE STANDARD AMERICAN 
POULTRY BOOK. 



Containing all the different varieties of 
Fowls their points of beauty, their merits as 
layers or setters— with complete instructions 
as to How to Raise Poultry for pleasure or 
profit the best soil on which to keep them now 
to feed. Management of Layers and sitters— 
Incubators —care of mother. How to bring up 
the chicks, improved manner of curing all 
diseases in poultry together with minute in¬ 
structions on Artificial incubation the best 
incubators—how to work them. 

Not only can the large farmer find valuable 
information in this book which will be profit- 
able —but the man or woman who has but an 
acre of land can find immense information 
that will surely bring large profit in Poultry 
Raising. It tells now to cross profitably. 
How to make selection for eggs, or for fatten¬ 
ing, to increase laying, care of egsrs and pack¬ 
ing for market, special chapter on Turkeys and 

Cffsf the’r care and how to fatten for market or home supply. Virmin in poultry, how 
Geese tneircimMaaaovr * f APPETITE . Best Breeds for market, how to set a 

to destroy. How to imp pottttry care of Exhibition birds. Game Fowls 

BROKEN leg CAPONIZIKG, COOKUM ^for CHICKENS, MlLK for 

and killing for Ducks to Drake, number of hens to cock. Pen for 

chickens, Nests for Laying, Numbe or freatment RooFS> roosting, Runs, Sawdust, 

Breeding stock, tfr Hurdles, Spring Chickens, Spanish Fowls. How to cure 

Forchtling sex cf chicks, - hel ' NA “ Y of poultry Terms, etc., etc. The best and cheapest 

toofSvER publishedTo,lining 800 pages, size 8x51-2 inches, substantial paper cover, 

price 25cts., postpaid. 


Any of the above hooks sent postpaid on receipt of price. Address all orders to 
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LIST OF POPULAR AND STANDARD BOOKS. 

Standard Spanish Dictionary. 


LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 


0 028 000 490 A 



Standard Spanish-Eaglish and English-Spanish 
Dictionary—compiled expressly to meet the require¬ 
ments of increasing intercourse and trade between 
our English-speaking people and Spanish-speaking 
countries. No care or expense has been spared in 
the completion of this work and a vast amount of 
labor has been necessary to make this book the 
superior of all Spanish Dictionaries heretofore 
issued. The object of this work is to give the 
English traveler or workman in Spanish-speaking 
countries and the business man a reliable book of 
reference. 

It contains about 65,000 words in both languages 
and up-to-date in every particular. 

The illustration above gives a fair idea of the style 
in which it is issu d. Containing 485 pages, bound in 


extra flexible cloth, price, .... $0.75 

Bound in extra flexible cloth, indexed, 

price, . . 1.00 

Bound in Russia Leather, indexed, . 1.50 


HABL V V. ESPA\OL t 

Spanish at Sight. 

This handy and reliable little book is issued to meet a want for a great many of 
our people who are about to come in contact with SPANisH-speaking people, and this 
new self-teacher is based on the most simple principle. It is conceded by all who 
have had the necessity to peruse its pages that it is the best self-instructor in the 
Spanish language that has ever been published—as it enables one to learn more in a 
week of the Spanish language for every-day practical use than he could learn in six 
months with the aid of a teacher and other ordinary text books. It gives a long list of 
exercises in easy expressions, including those most needed in ordinary conversation, 
with the pronunciation of every Spanish word in English, revised and corrected by 
A. M. A. Beale, and to which is added lessons for self-tuition in Spanish Phonog¬ 
raphy. 100 pages, size 7 x 4£ inches, paper cover, price 25 cts., postpaid. 


'“SPRECHEN SIE DEIJTSCH?” 

German at Sight. 

A new system on the most simple principles of universal self-tuition, with English 
pronounciation of ev6ry word By this system any person can become proficient in the 
German language in a very short time. It is the most complete and easy method ever 
published. Companion to “ Spanish at Sight.” 96 pages, size 7x4£ inches, paper 
cover, price 25 cts. 


“PARLRZ VOUS FRANCAIS?>> 

French at Sight. 

This system is based on the same principle as Spanish and “ German at Sight n 
and without question is the simplest and most perfect method of obtaining a thorough 
knowledge of the French language without the aid of a teacher ever published. Con¬ 
taining 96 pages, size 7x4| inches, paper cover, price 25 cts. 


Address all orders to 

THE CHISWICK PUBLISHING CO., 23 Duane St., New York. P. 0. Box 119. 


























































